still here

I have been ready to call it quits for good on my blog.  I've shared how lately I've kind of hated it.  It seemed like a chore, when before it was always something I loved to do.  Then our life got even more crazy than it already was- Brian graduated, Christmas happened, we were job hunting and then finally packed up and moved.  I gave myself a free pass because I had no time for writing and editing pictures and really the last few weeks was quite happy without it.

I've noticed in the last year or so that most people on my sidebar have long since given up blogging.  There are only a handful of friends I can keep up with now.  Blogging hit hard a few years ago and everyone did it.  It was almost a problem with how many there were to read.  Now, that is not at all the case.  I feel it is a passing trend- passed really- now mostly reserved for lifestyle bloggers who make money off their words, leaving just a few dedicated personal bloggers left.  Blogs happened, and then it was just a matter of time before some other cyber outlet (twitter, pinterest, instagram) took over.  I couldn't help but think that keeping a family blog was "over".  A thing of the past.

Then about a month ago I opened a dove dark chocolate promise, like I do almost everyday, and read the fortune-like writing on the inside wrapper- which I hardly ever do.  "Be a little mysterious," it read.  This little tinfoil wrapper surprisingly had quite a profound effect on me and started me thinking.  With all of the online ways to communicate, keep in touch, and share words and pictures with friends, family and strangers alike, I almost felt "over it".  Over all of it.  Just tired of the over-sharing of every little detail and picture that occurs in one's life.  This was disturbing to me because as we all know, I am very open with my thoughts on my blog, and I share some intimate details of my life.  Be a little mysterious.  This rang true to me and I felt a longing to do just that- to be more private with my thoughts and the personal details of my family.    

 All these realizations, and the fact that it has become a little tedious to document the life of my family, caused me to to really contemplate giving it all up.  Just not ever going back.  I prayed several times about this decision- it was that heavy on my mind.  

Just now I went through my drafts and saw several posts that I had finished, but just not posted due to my internal turmoil.  I read them, looked at the pictures, and I hit the publish button without really thinking about it.  Then it hit me.  Funny, how something you've always known can hit you like it's the first time.  I like having blogged.  I might not like blogging.  I might not like that I am not at all mysterious to anyone who reads this (if anyone is still here).  I might not like uploading pictures.  But I like looking back on my life and being able to see and remember how it was, how it felt and how it looked.  Most of all, I love that my children will have this record.  Their life is important, and it's worth recording.  No one is going to do it if I don't and then it will be over.  Gone.  Memories easily forgotten and pictures piled up on my computer sitting in the cold little file folder icons.  I can't let that happen.  I want them to know me- to know how I felt, what I thought and how it was.   

It's a simple reason really, and it's sometimes easy to let those other thoughts have more weight, but it's the most important reason.  Maybe I'm not cool because I still blog.  Maybe I'll take actions to make my blog more mysterious (going even more private?).  But maybe I shouldn't quit.

So, I'm back. . .maybe not as consistently as before. . .but I'm back.  I think.

he's thirty and he did it

Brian's goal was to be finished with school by the time he was thirty.

I remember being twenty-three and thinking how far away thirty sounded.  It was forever.  I remember being twenty five and having many of our friends graduating and feeling like we still had forever to go.  I remember being twenty-seven and wishing so much for the day that we would be done and finally settling down into a home, our home.  At twenty-nine I remember going through the worst year of my life and thinking that it would never end and gazing longingly at the finish line.


And now here we are.  We're thirty.  Brian has been going to school for nine years straight.  Nine years straight!  He made a goal all those years ago, and now he has finally accomplished it.  He put in so much work, dedication and sacrifice to get there.  

I really don't even know if I have words for this.

I am so proud of him.

I guess that's about all there is to it, but of course, it's me, so there will surely be more words.

I know that many men go through rigorous classes, programs and experiences to get to their careers, and I don't want to make it sound like Brian went through something more difficult or intense than anybody else.  I know that many work hard to get to where they are.

It's just that I was there with him during it.  I saw exactly how difficult it was.  How exhausting it was and I was there watching him sacrifice so much in his life as he went along.  I sacrificed for it too.  So although I don't want to come off boastful about his accomplishment, I know exactly what it took to get there, and knowing all that it took from him, from me, and from our family, I am stinkin' proud of this man.

Also, I can't really run around my life bragging that my husband got his masters degree with a 3.96 g.p.a., so this is pretty much the place to do it.

I learned a lot about him during these two and a half years.

He is disciplined- he never slacked on his schoolwork.  He never procrastinated and was always prepared.  He went through a 20 pound box of note cards- studying each card several times over the course of a year. That's like two thousand cards.  Or more maybe.  For the first three weeks in January he studied from nine a.m. to about four p.m. every.single.day.  Those are just a few areas where he showed extreme discipline.

He is brave- Being a nurse anesthetist is no joke.  People's lives are literally in your hands.  It is nerve wracking, terrifying even at times (so I can imagine, hehe).  Not only did he learn to provide safe, quality anesthesia, but he did this at close to a dozen different hospitals.  He rotated around every couple months to a new hospital and this was basically like starting a new job each time.  That's like twelve first days of work in the course of two and a half years.  New people, new equipment, new protocols, new everything.  I really can't even imagine doing that.

He doesn't complain- I love this about Brian, maybe because I'm such a complainer!  He did not ever complain about things he had to do- even the hard things.  He just accepted the responsibility and actions that it took and would just do it.

He works hard- There were many rotations where he would leave for work at 5:30a.m. and not be home until just before the kids went to bed.  At some locations they work the students extremely hard- barely leaving them time to eat lunch, and he was exhausted by the end of the day.

He is smart- There is a lot you have to know to preform anesthesia.  He is so much smarter than I ever thought he could be.  Not that I didn't think he was smart- he always was- but he knows so much and I am constantly amazed at the medical knowledge that is just in his brain now.  It's remarkable.

He sacrifices- He gave up most of his hobbies to one, get through school and two, spend the remaining time with us.  He sacrificed his time, comfort, energy and time with his family to get through school.  He lived in lonely, horrible conditions and worked in toxic, horrible conditions.  He drove three hours every weekend sometimes to come home to us.  He sacrificed a lot.

He still lived- Although he did sacrifice and work hard in school, I really appreciate that he was still able to be the wonderful dad that he always was, and that when he was not at school or studying he was very present with us and we were still able to make memories and have fun.

Although I was happy that he was still able to be himself during this difficult time, I will never forget when he got home from Seattle for the last time and during that weekend- when he was finally free- I was able to see my Brian again.  He was visibly different.  A weight had been lifted.  It's really good to have him back.

We did it!

Twelve buddies.

I think they're kind of proud of him too.

Good job, Bri.  I really love you.

dear friends

I have some very sweet friends that I left behind in Oregon.  I really love the ladies in my ward.  

I am already missing them.  It is just so hard to say goodbye.  

Me leaving was a perfect excuse for a girls night, and I must say, I felt very loved by this group of ladies.  They were so thoughtful and sweet.  

Chrissy came up with the idea to go do a session at the temple.  I loved this idea and it was so fun sitting in there, looking at the long row of ladies sitting beside me.  It was a beautiful sight, I must admit.  

After the temple, we of course had to eat.  We went to Lake Oswego Grill, which I had always wanted to try, and it was delicious.  They have the most amazing waffle fries covered with a blue cheese and gorgonzola sauce.  I don't even like blue cheese and gorgonzola, but these fries?  So yum.  Oh, and dessert of course.  That was good too.  We actually stayed until well after closing, and had no idea that the whole restaraunt staff was just waiting for this giant group of dress-wearing ladies to leave.  Oops.  

Here are the sweet friends I left behind, but will always remember:

Cynthia Hedgecock and Shanan Gardiner.

Cynthia is one of the most laid-back, easy going people I have ever met.  She is so mild-mannered and such a great spiritual example.  She's also The mom to Carter who was in McKay's second year preschool class.  

Shanan was a friend to me before we even moved there.  She had heard a new family was moving in, tracked down our email address and had dinner for us the night we moved in.  I couldn't believe someone would do that.  She also had me and the kids over for our first play date.  So sweet.  She is an amazing cook and always is the first to offer to take someone's kids.  People think she has a day care in her home because of the many times she offers to help with kids.  She is the mom to Blayke- one of Ellery's bff's, Bailey- McKay's friend, and Beckham.

Chrissy Davenport and Cassidy Nelson

Chrissy is the mom of Kimmy, one of Ellery's primary and preschool friends.  Such a sweet, friendly, outgoing girl and a great mom.  She was the generous hostess of many movie nights downtown and because I think it's pretty amazing, I've got to tell you that she had a nearly 11 pound baby. . .naturally!  She brought by a bag of snacks for our trip the day we left.  I was really touched by the thoughtfulness of that.  

Cassidy is so creative and crafty and easy going.  Her little boy, Dax, is Ellery's friend and we were pregnant at the same time together, which was fun.  Layla and her cute twin boys would have been little buddies for sure.  I will always remember shopping with her and Cathy til the wee hours of the night on Thanksgiving.  The only thing that made that night worth it was being with such fun girls.  

Katie Hendrickson and Cathy Hollist

Katie amazes me.  She is so good and so humble.  She is the mom of four beautiful girls (Taylor, Hallie, McKenzie, Evelyn) and I really am in awe of how she runs her home.  She is so organized and such a good mom and I wish I could still live by her just so I could keep learning from her.  

Cathy was my closest neighbor, which was just lucky for me.  She has amazing style, is fun to talk to and serves tirelessly.  We actually went on dates when I didn't have a husband for awhile- her and Ty really took care of me.  One of the things I missed SO much when I lived in OR was the lack of other young moms in my neighborhood.  It was so nice to have this girl just a couple houses down.  I really miss talking to her and seeing her so frequently, and I'm SO glad that I got to be her neighbor.  I truly consider her one of my closest and dearest friends.   

Starr Thompson, Shera Lynn Murray, me

Starr.  I don't even know where to start.  My cub scout buddy.  My twin-family mom.  My best friend.  She was such a blessing to me and I learned so much from her.  She is so laid back and so honest about who she is.  She is so humble and thoughtful and I just really love Starr.  She took such good care of us whenever we were going through anything.  She was the first person I hugged and cried to after I found out about the whole MS thing.  She would bring me dinner just because I was having a bad day.  And she was always willing and happy to watch my kids.

I was Shera Lynn's visiting teacher.  I so loved getting to sit down with her each month and talk about life, motherhood, the gospel and everything in between.  She is incredibly sweet, and really funny and down to earth.  Her faith, testimony and humility were great examples to me.She is the mom of Brandon who was Ellery's friend and McKay's little buddy.  

Michelle Barker and Mailee Woodhouse

Michelle is so happy and friendly all.the.time.  I don't know if I ever saw her without a smile on her face.  She is positive and it's infectious.  She was also a friendly face at my ob's office, where she works.  She is a new mom to the cutest little baby, Dixon.

Mailee was my very first friend in Oregon.  I was so lonely at first and Mailee did not hesitate to befriend me, and fast too.  McKay and her son, Jaxon, had preschool together and we carpooled together.  She is really easy to talk to and really funny.  I'm really grateful that she reached out to me when I was struggling at first and became such a good friend.
  

If there is one thing I really learned from these ladies it's how to serve.  Each one has been an example of service to me.  In fact, there is so much I learned about service from being in the Summerlake ward and associating with these ladies that it changed me and I hope to be able to serve as willingly and endlessly as they did.  It really was a remarkable thing to behold, and I am so glad I got to be a part of it.

Our ward was our family while we were away and I really can't believe how lucky we were to end up in this family.  It was a blessing, that's certain.  

thoughts on a sunday

(week of February 4th thoughts)

goodbye Portland skyline. . .

hello Utah sunset.

• It is a wonder I am even blogging because it seems like every electroinc thing I touch breaks.  The hard drive on our computer is shot.  Layla pulled our external hard drive off the couch and it is now shot.  Thankfully I had put almost everything on our laptop before that happened, but now our laptop is being weird.  Yes, I love technology. . .

• Brian's aunt's husband, Brian, came over this week and did some computer magic and got all of our music and the files that hadn't made the transfer onto our laptop.  He probably saved us hundreds of dollars and we are very grateful that he was willing to spend hours taking our stuff apart and finding a way to get what we needed.

• This is kind of old news, but I don't think I ever wrote it down.  Ellery is convinced that Layla's favorite color is yellow.  She reminds her of that often.  I wonder how that will turn out when Layla actually knows what a color is.

• Speaking of my baby, I really love hearing her say words and repeat words and understand words. . .but I really want her to be a baby for as long as possible.  So I'm conflicted.  

• We are living at Brian's parent's house.  They are so kind to have us here.  We feel very welcomed and loved.  

• McKay started kindergarten this week.  We took him to the school on Monday where he got to meet his teacher and see the classroom, then his second first day of kindergarten was on Tuesday.  He said he was nervous and excited and I am honestly amazed at how calm he was.  I thought he would struggle more, but I think the fact that he knew the school already was a huge comfort.  Plus, we have all been making such a huge deal out of him being a cougar.  

• So Brian walked him to school on Tuesday and in he went.  When he got home that afternoon, we heard little tidbits that went something like this:
  -they all thought I was really cool and wanted to sit by me.
  -I was sitting by my friend and my best friend wanted to sit by me and so he called my friend a jerk!  (this was by far the most important thing that happened.  Also, names of best friend and friend were completely unknown)
  -The teacher talked about me to the class for a long time and told them all about how she taught my aunts.  For a long time.

• I just love how you can be best friends with a total stranger in five minutes.  Only in kindergarten.  The rest of the week was just as good and the few interactions I saw with him and other kids, especially the boys, in his class were so sweet.  They remembered his name, gave him the front of the line, showed him karate moves and just were genuinely happy to be nice and friendly to him.  It was sincere and sweet and a definite answer to what we have been praying for for our boy.  I think he will be happy here.

• I am pretty much good for one thing in Ellery's life: preschool.  That is pretty much the only thing I have going for me right now.  She is a Grandma's girl through and through.  She is not shy about letting her feelings known and her heart belongs to one person and it is not me.  This is a challenge I fully anticipated, and I'm so glad that she is happy to be here and has so many other people to love her.  I must admit, I miss her a little, but I understand.  She really did not care that we moved at all- wasn't sad one bit.  I'm glad about that.
    
• One thing she says to me often is "Mom, you're not the queen of me!" or "You're not the queen of this house!"  This queen business is something that she is really into not having in her life.  The girl wants no queen. . .which means she wants no boss. . .no parent. . .no discipline.  She's in for a lot of disappointment.

• How am I feeling about being back in Utah?  Were you wondering that too?  Well, I am feeling mixed.  I won't go into all the details, but it's weird to be home and missing home at the same time.  Moving is so traumatic.  How come we don't talk about how traumatic it is more?  Or is it just me?  It is a strange feeling to be living your settled little life one day and then the next your house, your friends, your places, your community, your life really, is just gone and you have moved.  I have been feeling that way very much.  What an abrupt thing it is to move.  Of course, my real life is my family and as long as I have them with me, we can go and be anywhere, but that doesn't mean moving is pleasant or easy.  It's nice to be at a place where we know and are comfortable though.    

• Sometimes I long to be one of those people who gets all excited about a move and the new possibilities.  But I get far too attached to the people and places around me to be like that.  I am a person who likes to settle down and stay for a long time.  I am a person who has a really hard time saying a permanent goodbye.  That doesn't mean that I'm not excited for the new possibilities ahead of us and our chance to start fresh, but my feelings of attachment are much stronger and usually take center stage.  

• So, basically Brian doesn't start working until the end of April.  What is this time?  The only scheduled commitment in our life is kindergarten, and that's over by noon.  What are we doing?!  Sometimes I feel like we are just sitting here looking at each other.  It is a very strange position to be in.  

• Brian has been running almost daily, and I am so happy that he is able to run with his dad again.  I can't even tell you how long they could talk about running, or how frequently it comes up in a day, but it's a lot.  They are both very happy to be living in the same house for this reason alone.  Brian is finally able to run like he's been wanting to do the last few years and we all know he has the time to do it.  He better soak it up because I hear the day starts pretty early for a CRNA.

• We have some fun plans for the next couple months and honestly, it's just nice to be together, even if we are just looking at each other.  I like looking at him. . .most of the time.

• There is so much I'm leaving out.  I am still extremely conflicted about whether or not to keep blogging.  I know there are not many who read, but lately sharing all my thoughts to everyone has become unappealing.  I don't know why that is exactly.  But keeping this record is important to me.  So basically I go back and forth, back and forth.  Also, Brian is strongly encouraging me to keep it up and just when I say I am done with it, he will say something that makes me rethink.  
• We'll just have to see, I guess.

Happy, um. . .week.

day trip

With all our spare time we decided to take a trip to Salt Lake to show the kids the Conference Center and go to the church history museum.  We loved playing with all the hands-on exhibits in the children's museum, got a handmade buzz saw, dressed up and danced, went to the front of the Conference Center and even got to go up on the roof.  These are pictures from that.

laysie daisy

Here is Layla from the last couple months.

She is usually a fairly clean eater, but this day her breakfast was used to style her hair.  She looks proud.

She loves wearing shoes.  These are a pair that are way too big for her but she thinks she is so fancy walking around in a pair of shiny shoes.  

You are looking at quite a Yo Gabba Gabba fan.  That and Wonder Pets are her favorite shows.  She doesn't watch them often, but she sure gets excited when she does.  A little side note:  We have a Wonder Pets dvd and Ellery watches it several times when we're travelign in the car.  Layla gets to watch whatever Ellery is watching, and now has the Wonder Pets theme song down.  She can sing it and I don't know if I should be horrified or proud.  A little of both, I suppose.  Even if I am horrified, it's still pretty cute.

That's a mouthful of yogurt there, and her little hands signing for more.  I never thought my other two any signs, but we've taught Layla more, all done, and I am working on again.  She definitely has the first two down though, and has for awhile now.  

This is so Layla.  She's climbing and trying to eat something she shouldn't.  She enjoyed the tower of boxes we had in our family room before we moved.  She climbs a lot.  If a chair is left out from the table she will be on the table in seconds.  She's also holding a bottle of hand sanitzer (the best kind) and she was trying to drink it.  She is always eating things she shouldn't.  The most common items, her favorite I guess, are chapstick, dry erase markers and crayons.  If she gets her hands on any of those- straight in the mouth.  We currently have zero dry erase markers because she has sucked and ruined them all.  She's a naughty one.

She may like to eat markers, but she also has some good taste too.  She loves treats and sweets.  One of my favorite words that she says is tookie, which is cookie.  She may refuse to eat dinner, but she never, ever refuses dessert.

Love this little child of mine.