thoughts on a sunday

We had an outdoor birthday party for Ariel Married.  Everyone came.  I love playing princesses with this girl.  It's so easy and simple and makes her so happy.  

• It's hard being alone during the week, but nothing compares to Sundays.  I hate them.  I hate hating them too.  I have to get up super early to make sure that everything and everyone is ready for 9am church.  The typical argument on how to do Ellery's hair- today she wanted a pony tail, and I gave her two buns.  Then I took them out and did one messy bun and she wanted the two back again.  Grrrr.  Then there's keeping them all quiet/reverent/busy during sacrament meeting.  Not really possible at all.  Then the rest of the meetings with Layla.  Come home, make lunch, clean up our disastrous house, then have the whole day to do nothing but keep them busy some more.  It's tiring and I miss Brian the most on Sundays.

• We had a good talk with him tonight over skype.  The kids each take a turn talking to him alone.  I had to laugh when towards the end when we were all together, Brian gave McKay a time out and a good talking to from Florida.  He deserved it.  I was struggling so much with that boy today.  It's that funny little attitude that he gets sometimes.  It doesn't come often but I sure dread when it does.  Anyway, due to his schedule and the time difference the kids don't get to talk to him as much as I'd like them to.  I could tell they were really happy after having some daddy time tonight.  I'm pretty sure it made him quite happy too.

• I feel so busy and really, I know I'm not and I know I keep saying that, but I just feel like there is never enough time to do the things I need to do, let alone the things I want to do.  I feel bad because I had such good intentions of doing something purely fun this weekend with the kids, but I was so "busy" with whatever that I couldn't even find time to do anything.  I feel like the day starts out and then just snowballs as we go along so by the end there's just way too much to do to have fun.  

• Part of me feeling so busy means that I have been carrying around a stack of papers everywhere I go in the house.  Going upstairs?  Grab my stack of papers.  Look at a few.  Cross off a few things.  Throw a few papers away.  Add a few more the next day.  The papers consist of to-do lists, notes, school papers- oh the school papers!- and just whatever else floats into my house that needs my attention.  It's almost like I am going crazy and this stack of papers makes me feel like I'm less crazy- who knows why!  So I just keep carrying them around like my Grandma used to do with napkins.  I just feel better when I have my papers!

• Brian says my blog is getting depressing.  I wrote a lovely non-depressing post about Layla.  So I'm excused here.  

• Sometimes it's hard to not be able to talk to Brian whenever I want.  There is a lot that I forget to share with him because it's just not easy to remember everything when you're on the phone.  Like how tonight I went to tell our new neighbors that it was garbage day tomorrow and I saw the guy in his underwear.  Just in his underwear.  Things like that, you just can't always remember.

• McKay had a horrible day at school on Wednesday.  He got off the bus and I could see tears start to swell.  He then told me how he had gotten stung by a bee at recess and how the yard duty person gave him a band aid and he suffered the rest of the school day with a band aid on a bee sting, in pain and scared.  He opted not to tell his teacher, or maybe he did and she didn't do anything, it's not totally clear, but to top it all off, he lost the picture he drew and was sweating on the bus ride home.  Bad day indeed.  It was hard to get the whole bee sting story straight, and I'm still not sure what happened.  Things improved on Thursday- no bees, found his picture, and even felt happy that he helped the bee by letting it sting him.  Not sure where he got that last bit from, but if he felt happy about it, great.

• It's funny, having him in school.  I feel like he's just off and I have no idea what he's doing and he really doesn't share a lot about it.  I get tidbits here and there, which I know is normal.  He still loves school and feels so proud that he goes to the elementary school now.  He was also pretty pumped about checking his first book out at the library Before Dinosaurs.  I didn't know that as a kindergartner we'd be talking about prehistoric evolution, but I'll go with it.

• I got to go to the Relief Society broadcast with my friend and neighbor Cathy last night . I felt like we were on a hot date!  It was so nice to get out and be Sarah for a couple hours.  Cathy's husband Tyler, watched my kids which was just the nicest thing ever.  I am so grateful to him.  While at the broadcast I was teasing, saying that they were all probably going to go poop while they were there.  Well, guess what?  I was 2/3 right.  And one was "an accident."  I almost died.  Bless that man.

Well, that's all!  Happy Sunday!

13 going on 30

Today my sweet little girl is 13 months old.  It's not a very significant day, but I have still been thinking about her a lot today.  I love her.  13 months is what I live for after I have a baby.  This is when all the fun starts.  And this little miss is definitely fun.  Actually, today, she was the only fun thing in my life.  It seems that when they reach the ages of three and six, things can get annoying rather quickly. . .especially when you're a lone parent (today was a hard day).  But not this one.  The worst she can do is refuse to nap, which she doesn't do very often anymore- we're back on a great schedule again!  I just adore everything about my little thirteen month old baby!  Here's just a few tidbits of what she can do.

• She can say lots of words, mostly double words like mama, dada, poo poo, bye bye, night night, etc..   She can also say woa!  wow! and uh-oh.  Those three are my favorite.  There's something about seeing her mouth go into that little o sound that I love so much.  She sounds so grown up!  

• We taught her to sign "more", which she's been doing for awhile now, but she's started to say "mo" along with it.  It is pretty much the cutest thing I've ever seen.  I never taught my others to sign, which is kind of funny since sign language was a big part of my life at one time, but at least I did one word with one!  This is not to say that she doesn't still scream crazy-loud when she wants more.  She still totally does that, unless we remind her.  

• She doesn't only scream for more food.  She screams a lot, just for no reason.  It's mostly happy screaming, just to make herself known to those around her.  I get lots of comments each week at church about how people love hearing her shrill little voice during sacrament meeting.  I have to admit, I do not love this as much as they do.  Plus, when you're holding her and she does this, it hurts!  I might suffer permanent hearing loss due to this kid.

• Along with saying a few words, she can understand quite a lot.  She can understand souci (her pacifier), milk, drink, nose, eyes, McKay, Ellery, baby, no, kisses, spider, and various other song titles.  

• I can't decide if I should admit this or not, but I am having a hard time giving up that last feeding of the day.  I still nurse her once before she goes to bed, and I'm not ready to stop. . .but I am. . .but I'm not.  I don't know how to explain it very well, but I feel like both of us need that connection right now.  It feels like the right thing for us.  Plus, I think about how this might be the last time I get to do this, so that's a small factor as well.  Either way, I love it and she loves it and it makes us happy and I'm giving myself a few more weeks.  

• She is still the most annoying baby when it comes to food.  I never know what she will accept from me on any given day, at any given meal.  So far, she is totally bi-polar when it comes to fruits and veggies- they're just a total gamble.  Her favorite things are cheese, crackers, bread and yogurt.  Those four are pretty much always acceptable.  Since she loves yogurt so much I've started sneaking the veggies she spits out into her yogurt bites.  She gobbles them right up!  Nothing like yogurt and peas.

• When she doesn't like something, she gives a huge, exaggerated spit.  It's like it's own word now.  I hate it because it means she is refusing something, but I love to see how passionately she communicates this feeling.  

• Awhile back I noticed that one of her eyes looked kind of funny.  Her right eye is a little cross-eyed when she tries to look certain directions.  We have an appointment with a pediatric optometrist next month.  

• Her favorite thing is climbing up our bottom set of stairs- which is only three stairs high.  She loves to use the banister and go up and down.  She doesn't really know how to go down the right way every time, and has fallen quite a few times.  I use baby gates almost all the time, but sometimes I let her explore those three all by herself.  She loves it.

• This baby definitely has breath-holding syndrome.  She "passed out" twice this week and none of them were from getting hurt.  No, this girl only cries hard enough to pass out when her feelings are hurt.  And the thing that hurts her feelings the most severely is when I leave the room and she wants to be held.  At this point, McKay doesn't even care and will just casually say, "Layla's having a seizure."  which she isn't, but it looks like it.  I still hate it, but can handle it okay now.

• Layla has surprised me.  I know that she can still develop some separation anxiety in the coming months, but so far she does not mind strangers.  As my friends and neighbors have been helping me the last few weeks, she's been passed around more than ever and she does totally fine.  I'm always surprised by this.  

• Even though she has hardly seen Brian the last two months, she still knows her daddy.  Tonight she skyped with him and it was like they were old friends.  She seems to remember him and know that he's daddy.  I think they'll pick off right where they left off.  I think it's killing Brian to not see her learn and do new things each week.  It brings tears to my eyes thinking about how both of their faces lit up when they talked to each other tonight.  She made her daddy smile bigger than anyone and she was loving it.  

I could go on and on about this little girl.  I love her so much.  Our family is so blessed to have her be a part of it.  I've just been thinking about how grateful I am that she came into our lives.
So, so happy to be her momma and get to kiss this little face.  

missing

We're all starting to feel the effect of this guy being gone.
It's been a week and a half since he left again.
I knew it would be harder for the kids without him once we got back to normal life.
It is harder.

Ellery is probably struggling the most.
She cries a lot.  And whines.  And asks about him everyday.
For some reason, she's also lost the ability to do just about anything by herself
Going potty, getting in the car, getting her jammies on or off,
Did I mention going potty?
I can't help but think that is all due to her little mind being confused as to why he's not here.
They kind of really love each other, those two.

McKay has his moments when he misses his dad.
I have a lot of guilt because we are having gorgeous weather
And I know if Brian were here those two would be playing soccer or baseball outside every night.
But I can't do that.  I just can't right now.
His sadness mostly comes at night, around bedtime.
It's either a good excuse to keep me in his room longer,
or at the end of the day that's where his mind goes.  I don't know.

It's hard being a single mom.
I have a list of errands I need to run that's a mile long.
But between preschool, kindergaren, naps and bedtime,
There really is just no way.
And like I mentioned, the guilt.
I wish I could be doing more.  I feel bad about not doing more.
But then, I'm doing a lot.  I have to keep reminding myself that.
I am so tired at the end of the day, I can't even believe it.
My head hits the pillow and I am asleep.
Which is good because then my mind has no time to wander and get sad.

I miss him.
Two weeks and two days to go. . .

thoughts on a sunday

This started out as one egg.  Then some Halloween sprinkles.  Then some paprika and ice.  And it snowballed from there.  They had SO much fun "cooking" this up this afternoon.  It kept them busy for almost an hour!

• Ahhh.  It's so hard to get back to my silly little thoughts when I haven't written them for so long.  And tonight I am sad, so I really don't feel like it.  But I'm hoping it will improve my mood, so I'm gonna try.

• I guess a catch-up paragraph is in order.  I spent three weeks in Utah in August.  Brian spent those weeks in Florida, working and being called "baby" by his female superior.  We got the unexpected news that Brian got to come home for one wonderful week.  He left to go back to FL on Tuesday.  The kids and I have survived this week adjusting to school, preschool, bus stops, soccer practices, play dates and a really busy schedule.  Brian worked a full week of night shifts.  I feel like I don't even know him anymore.

• Okay, so that's it.  That's our month in a nut-shell.  Instead of trying to back track to everything that I've missed the last month, I'm just gonna focus on this week. 

•  This week was super busy for me and the kids.  We are still trying to get into a routine, now that Ellery has started preschool, and we've had lots of play-dates this week.  I actually feel so grateful to the friends I have here in Oregon- I've really felt loved and cared about this week.  They know what a hard time this is for me and I feel a lot of support.  

• There were two days this week where I only had Layla, and she was napping- the other two were at friends and school.  I didn't know what to do with myself, so I cleaned the house.  And then I ate lunch in my clean house.  And it stayed clean for like, two hours!  It's a feeling I haven't had in at least four years.

• I've feel grateful for other things this week too.  I haven't been scared at night at all, and have really felt the Lord's blessings with our little family this week.  Well. . .that is, until this weekend.  Not to say I stopped being blessed, but compared to the first of the week, this weekend was not easy and not fun.

• Mostly because Ellery had one of her biggest melt-downs ever.  It. was. awful.  You know what's funny though?  I learned that probably the worst possible consequence for Ellery is losing the privilege of brushing her teeth at night.  She didn't put her jammies on when I asked (she had about ten minutes to do so) but made a huge mess of dirty clothes all over the room instead.  When I aproached her about this, she was sassy and mean and so I told her she no longer had time to brush her teeth, but had to clean up the mess and get in her jams.  She went absolutely crazy in an instant.  I'm serious.  Screaming, yelling, begging, bargaining, hyper-ventilating.  I did not know what to do because on the one hand, I am sitting there telling my child "No, you cannot brush your teeth!" which just sounds ridiculous if you really say it to someone, but on the other, I could not give in to her when her behavior was so awful.  So I stuck it out.  It was not pretty.  And I'm not really sure she even got the point, because when I finally, after a good half hour of screaming, got her to calm down and do deep breaths, she said in between leftover sobs, "Mom.  You should have been here when I needed you."  It's all my fault.  *Sigh.

• Did I tell you we got  new neighbors?   Yep.  They were painting and fixing up their new place last night.  I wonder who's side they were on?  After last night, I wouldn't be surprised if they try to back out of the deal.  My girl can scream.

• I got a new calling.  I'm the beehive adviser.  I must admit, this has caused me a lot of stress the last week.  Mostly because I just don't know how I'm going to do mutual and meetings and teaching each Sunday without a husband.  Normally, I would be totally excited for this calling.  But right now is not normally.  The good news is that after my first lesson today, I felt a lot better about the whole situation. Brian said I just have to decide that I can do it and go forward.  I'm doing that.

• Beehives are funny.  Some of them are so skinny and so small.  They were cute though.  I really am excited about teaching them. 

• And just to make those beehives feel comfortable, yesterday I got two huge zits.  I do what I can, but I never thought I would be such a good teacher!  One of them is right in between my eyes.  I don't even know if I've ever had one there before.  I thought when I turned 29 that my adult acne days had finally come to an end, but now I'm not so sure. 

• Today during Sunday School Layla was giving me the sweetest snuggles.  I could have died right there, they were so good.  She's kind of getting to be a snuggler, in her old age.  I'll take it.

• It's kind of really fun to go shopping in the bins in my garage and get a whole new wardrobe for Layla. I love it.  But you know what's weird?  She is wearing things that Ellery wore I swear when she was like two, but Layla is not even bigger than Elle was.  I can't figure that one out. 

• Earlier this week I was on  the phone with one of my sisters and telling them what a wonderful napper Layla had become.  She was taking a solid morning and afternoon nap- at the same time each day!  I felt so good about myself.  And then the next day happened.  And my good feelings faltered.  And the next day they fell to pieces. She  had been doing great for weeks- two months even- and then she got her immunizations and I know that whenever a baby of mine gets immunizations it messes up their sleep habits.  I'm so depressed.  It was like the best thing happening in my life, and now it's gone.  I hate feeling out of control with naps and not knowing what she'll do on any given day.  I hope this week will be better.

• McKay is enrolled in soccer.  He's on the Jaguar team, with his two friends, Jaxon and David.  Please let me tell you that you've never seen anything cuter than my boy playing soccer.  I'm serious, there is nothing cuter and I wish with all my heart that I could have captured his face during his practice-game on Tuesday, but I didn't.  Pure joy.  His face was pure joy.  I have never seen anything like it.  He chased that ball around the field with his mouth wide open in the biggest grin he could possibly give and ran like only a child can run.  Back and forth, up and down the field.  He was so happy that he kind of didn't even know what he was doing as far as soccer goes.  He was just enjoying it.  Every once in awhile he would do some stuff with the ball, but I didn't even notice that.  I was just looking at his face. I never, ever want to forget the image of him running around with pure happiness and pride all over his face.  It was a priceless thing for Brian and I to watch. 

• For the record, he did let go of his joy a little bit and concentrate a bit more on his game this Saturday, because he scored his first goal!  It was awesome.

• Ellery is such a sweet little thing and goes to his games and practices and just plays with herself the whole time.  She usually brings Ariel with her and they fly around the grass, Ariel soaring up and down,  usually singing, Elle with her hair flapping around her and her eyes half closed.  That too, is a priceless memory in my head.  I love her imagination. 

• We had a sleep over on Friday night.  We rented The Three Lives of Thomasina from the library- which is a childhood favorite of mine, and the kids wanted to sleep in their sleeping bags downstairs, with me on the couch.  So I thought, "why not?" and we did just that.  It was actually really fun.  Also, my kids loved that movie, as I knew they would.  Anyone else?

• All the sudden Layla has a million teeth.  I thought I was all observant when I noticed a top front tooth poking through, and then a couple days later my friend said, "Look at all her teeth." and there were like two huge molars growing in there.  I had no idea. 

• Ellery started preschool this week.  She is so excited about it.  We just put together a little joy school with five other friends from the ward.  I'm really happy for her to have her own thing that she's doing first.  She is so proud when she says goodbye to her brother and sister to go to school.  It's really cute.

• McKay got to bring home Mr. Bear from kindergarten on Friday.  It was extra cool because instead of just one night, Mr. Bear got to stay the whole weekend.  There was a little boy who was very happy about this.

• We are still trying to figure out bus stops.  He missed it on Friday.  He loves, loves, loves riding the bus.  I can't believe that my little child is riding a big bus around town.  Actually, the school is really close, which is why it's funny that they bus them to school.  I'm not complaining though.

• One morning McKay and I were snuggling in bed and he asked me, "Mom, do you have to know  where someone lives to marry them?"  Apparently, there's a fresh crop of girls in his kindergarten class and he's got a few picked out already.  I went into a big explanation on dating and proposing and being engaged.  I think he feels more prepared now.  He even shared his list with me.  I never thought I would have a boy that was interested in girls in kindergarten!  But from what I've read, Brian was the same way.  Hmmm....

• Tonight I made Salted Caramel Chocolate Chocolate-chip Cookies.  I capitalized all that because that's how good they were.  Sorry, don't have a link because I just kind of did my own thing, but I can tell you what I did.  I used my favorite chocolate chip cookie recipe.  Replace 1/2 cup of flour with 1/2 cup cocoa.  Use kosher or sea salt instead of regular salt- same amount, or maybe a tad more.  Buy the Kraft Caramel Bits (mine came from Target) and put those in with some semi-sweet chocolate chips.  Try not to gain twenty pounds.  Oh, and the recipe I have calls for 3/4 tsp of salt, which to some might seem like a lot of salt.  It wasn't too much.

• I was sad Brian wasn't here to eat my cookies because I know he would have loved them.

• I'm sad that Brian wasn't here just because.  It's not easy to do this long-distance thing.  It's hard with the time difference to find a good time to talk.  It's hard to only communicate by phone.  It's hard not to live with each other. 

• One of the things that has brought me the most joy this week is my new candle.  It's this one and I really love it.  It makes me want to run around on a soccer field.
  

Happy, happy Sunday!

her turn

This little miss has started preschool.

She is so excited to be going to school with all her friends.  I can tell this is going to be really great for her.  She needs something all her own.  Something that a certain older brother hasn't done already.  Something that she can tell us all about, since she's the only one who's experienced preschool this way.  

Sometimes I wonder what is happening to me.  I didn't even do her hair up all fancy for her first day of school.  If I remember right, Brian was the creator of this pony tail.  What?  It's a good thing she's so cute, with, or without fancy hair.  

I don't know if you noticed this backpack or not, but this is perhaps why fancy hair is not so important to this girl.  She's got this fancy backpack to make up for everything.  I love this girl and I even love this back pack on her.  She's ready for school!

dear layla ann,

I just want to take this opportunity to apologize to you, my sweet, youngest child.  

I know you are a year old, and the only professional pictures I've had taken of you were when you were two weeks old.  Your siblings had several photos taken during their first year of life, but somehow it just didn't happen with you.    Please don't think I love you any less than them, when you're all grown up and wondering what you looked like as a baby.  

Please know going down to the JC Penney to have some random person snap your picture seems like a mountain that I just can't climb.  I've been trying to climb it since you were six months old.  And then you became seven months old.  Then eight.  And now here you are, a year old and I'm still trying to make my way down Scholl's Ferry road to that portrait studio.  

Please know that I'm making an appointment tomorrow.  Please don't scratch yourself on your face like you did last month when I had an appointment set.  And I promise I won't let you fall off the bed and bruise your nose, like I did when I re-scheduled that appointment.  Okay?

You're really cute.  You might be my favorite.

Love, mom  

cute girl, creepy girl

July 18, 2011
 I kind of feel like McKay could really go places with this hair. . .

Brian?  Well, he could only go down.  Way, way down.

 I'll take his cute, little bald head any day.

ready, set, kindergarten!

I've been thinking a lot about the decision we made to keep McKay home another year.  I am really glad I had one last year of keeping all three of the kids home with me. McKay had an excellant year of preschool and learned and grew and had a lot of fun, and it felt right when we were home together.

Now that he started kindergarten today, that year is even more precious to me.  I wonder if I did enough with him at home.  Did I teach him enough?  Did I prepare him for school?  Did I take advantage of the fact that it was the last time that I had control over what influenced him?  Did I give him enough of my time and attention?  No, probably no to all of those.  I could always do more.  But the point is, I'm grateful that we were there together.  I am not a mom who pushes academics at home.  We do it if they're interested and if it's fun, but most of the time my kids would much rather play pretend or go outside or help me cook or, lets be honest here, watch a movie, instead of memorize things.  I'm happy that I have so many memories of those things this last year.

That's not to say I'm not ready for him to start school now.  I am so ready!  He is so excited!  This summer got me really, really ready.  Did it sill break my heart a little bit to let him go?  Yes.  Knowing that he's now in the real school system at an actual elementary school makes me want to cry and wrap him up in a blanket and make him snuggle me for the rest of his life.  But this kid has been waiting a whole year to be a kindergartner and there is no stopping him.  I'm certainly not going to.

the best visitor

Look who gets to visit us for a whole week!  I can't even tell you how happy I am that he's here.  He unexpectedly had eight days off in a row, so after pulling a few strings, he was able to come home for a week!    He needed it.  He really is in a horrible, horrible situation down there in Tampa, I don't know how he's done it.  I asked him what he wanted to do while he was visiting home and he said, "Anything that doesn't have to do with anesthesia."  I can work with that!

So glad he gets to be here for both kids first days of school, and I'm really pushing for McKay to lose his first tooth and Layla to start walking while he's here.  Hooray!

Also, we made him that sign up there and McKay was passionate about sticking a big beef stick to the poster for Brian.  Lucky guy.