firsts

I remember disliking the first day of school for as long as I can remember.  Even into college, the beginning of a new semester would nearly always produce an overwhelming and just bad day.  It took some time to adjust to a new teacher, new students, new assignments, new ways of doing things. Eventually it became normal...and great, even.

This back-to-school season, as I sent all three of my babies off to school, I felt the same old feelings that I used to feel.  This is hard.  This does not feel good.  I waited and waited for those feelings to adjust into a comfortable sense of normalcy.  It took a long time.  I've pondered why this was, and realized that this year's firsts are probably no different than what next year's will feel like.  And the year after that.  And the year after that.  And you can see how this is going to go.

Sometimes I write things here that I hope to learn.  I may present them in a way that suggests that I have already learned it, but that's not always the case.  Sometimes I write things like "I have decided to stop longing for my children to stay little and feeling depressed when they hit milestones that remind me that they're growing up, and instead, enjoy life right NOW.  Enjoy these moments and don't look back."  See- something like that I would write in hopes that me declaring it here will somehow help me to really change to that way of thinking.  Because guess what?  That is not how I feel at all.  I do feel kind of depressed when they hit milestones.  I enjoy them, yes, but that depression is right there, fighting with that joy in hopes of overpowering it.  Thus, the back-to-school depression this year.  It was real.  It was hard.  But in the end, joy stuck it out and I'm okay.  We're all doing good and adjusted now.

Below are my feelings of why this back-to-school season rocked me for a couple months.


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McKay is in 3rd grade.  How does that even happen?  McKay is nine and he's in 3rd grade.  This fact hits me hard every so often.  My first child is growing up.  There's no stopping any of them from doing so, but when that first one meets these milestones and gets older every. single. year, it's a little bit terrifying, although very exciting.  McKay has Mrs. Wilson this year.  He somehow still insists that his second grade teacher was the BEST teacher in the whole world, so I sense a little hesitation in him this year.  Last year will be hard to beat, and I can tell he is feeling that.  

Ellery went to 1st grade.  This means she's gone all day.  Gone are the days of her and Layla pushing strollers around the neighborhood.  Playing all day, every day is no more.  It's over.  It's gone and it's never going to be the same.  Sending Ellery to school all day has been the hardest adjustment for me.  I  miss her and I miss the time that she and Layla used to spend together.  Of course they still play, but Ellery is now a part of that relentless school schedule, so it's just different.  What makes this bearable to me is how much she loves school.  Her teacher, her classmates, her attitude- they are all just perfect for Elle.  She's happy and thriving and I knew from the beginning this was going to be a very good year for my girl.

Layla.  Oh Layla, Layla, Layla.  My four year old baby went to preschool for the first time.  My constant side-kick and partner from morning until night left for preschool.  

This was actually not as hard as I thought it would be...for me.  I felt she was ready and I knew she needed to socialize and learn to play with all kinds of kids.  I also knew that she would love to have something of her own.  Those are all the things I love most about preschool.  It gives these little ones something to be excited about and proud of.  It gives them experience listening to a teacher and learning to follow directions.  I love most of all that they learn social skills, and the value of the playtime they have is so important.

So I knew why it was a great idea for her to go to preschool, but she didn't quite see it the same way.  She missed me.  It was hard for her to leave her mom and go off into the big world of her little preschool.  She marched off with a smile that first day, but she cried every morning before school after that.  She then started crying the night before.  It was awful.  I would carry her into school, crying and so upset, and just leave her there.  Her teacher promised me that her crying only lasted for three minutes once I left- and every day when I picked her up she was as happy as can be.  It was confusing and I didn't know what to do.

Add to that, the fact that for the first time in nine years- I was alone.  I had seven and a half hours a week with no one in the house but me.  Many mothers can't wait for this day to come, but not me.  It came way too soon for me and I started having a bit of anxiety thinking about how those hours are just going to continue to increase as these next few years go by.  It scared me and made me sad.  That's why when Layla would cry, I knew just how she felt.  I had a few crying spells myself.  

We missed each other.    

I am happy to report that today- on October 14, 2014- we are now all adjusted and happy.  Layla loves school- so much- just like I knew she would.  And I am finding lots of ways to fill my time when she's gone- it goes by quite fast actually.  I will say that on Wednesdays she has playgroup and is gone from nine until one and on those days I can't pick her up soon enough.  Baby steps.

I'm glad we made it through another August.  And I'm glad I have ten months until I have to do this all over again.

it's what fun is

I have wanted to take our kids to Lagoon for a couple years now, and this summer we finally did it.  It was pricey...I didn't even want Brian to tell me how much it cost to get us all in, but after all was said and done it was worth every penny to me.  

We had the most amazing, wonderful day at Lagoon- just our little family.  We have had bad experiences in the past with amusement parks...I won't name any names.  So we were a little worried about how the rides at Lagoon would go over.

We were amazed that everyone seemed to be over many of their previous fears, and Brian and I were better equipped to handle any remaining fears that lingered.  I think maybe we learned how to be better parents at amusement parks- finally.  One of my darkest moments as a mother happened at the happiest place on earth...in the depths of Space Mountain- I still feel guilty about it.  So for us to actually handle this experience a million times better was a huge accomplishment!

But back to the kids.  The kids were fantastic.  They were up for almost every ride...but the best part was that if they weren't, they were honest about it and didn't waffle back and forth about the decision. That made all the difference.  

I was pleasantly surprised at how many bigger rides Layla could ride at Lagoon.  And another thing was they had a lot of in-between rides- meaning they weren't kiddie rides, but weren't the big crazy rides either.  

The rides were great, but what I loved most was being together all day, having fun, getting along and doing something out of the ordinary.  It really was the most pleasant day in every way possible.  I love my little crew so much.

a great reason to celebrate

There is no other kindergartner more dedicated to her performance as my Ellery.  This was the biggest deal in her life.  For weeks she would give us little, tiny tidbits of songs she was learning, careful to not give too much away.  She would proudly declare when they had memorized a whole song and trick us by singing the tune but not the "new" words that she had been taught for this special occasion.  

The day finally came- she was ready!  And she sang her little heart out.  She sang and she sang for about twenty minutes...and then it was over.  Just like that.  

Camryn Oborn and Maddie Wisner are Elle's best friends this year, and also the carpool crew.  I am so glad she has sweet little friends.

Luckily, this time I told Grandma and Granddad the right day and time, and they were there to support Elle.  We went to lunch at Costa Vida after to celebrate.  McKay even got checked out to join us.

I am proud of Ellery and the kind of student she is.  As a mom, there are always characteristics that you notice in your children, both good and bad.  I know Ellery has some weaknesses, as we all do, but I also know her strengths.  She is a great student.  Smart, self sufficient, and on her own doesn't cause much trouble.  She is creative and serious and funny and loves affection.  She can be a great leader and is the best older sister to Layla.  

She wants to be good- this can be hard because she wants to be perfect, I see this in her already.  And luckily, most of the time she is good.  I just want her to know that it's okay to make mistakes, that we all do it, and that she is still good despite any mistakes that might come.  I want her to to be confidant in her decisions and her opinions and feelings.  I hope for her good friendships and the ability to make them so.  

I can't believe that she will be in first grade and gone from me all day.  Layla and I will feel that sting for a long time.  It will not be the same without her joining us at noon everyday.  I really dislike having a kindergartner, purely for the fact that every day is broken up into three hour blocks, but at this kindergarten celebration, I couldn't help but wish it would last a little longer.  My kids are just growing up before my very eyes and every so often I step back and notice this phenomenon...this growing up... and it shocks me.  

I'm proud of this growing girl and can't wait to see what the future holds for her.  I still get excited thinking that I get to be her mom through all of that growing up she's doing and will continue to do.  I am lucky to be here.

thoughts on a sunday (from a couple weeks ago)

• Layla has been into reading the scriptures lately.  This means that she carries around her Book of Mormon and asks me if I want her to "read" it to me.  When I say yes, then she opens it up and begins a story.  I will have to ask her to "read" to me tomorrow so I can remember what she says, but it's pretty cute.  

• Today she brought her scriptures to church.  She carried them around all three hours, and home again.  They got pretty heavy going up our hill.  

• The people sitting in front of us commented on how well behaved our kids were in Sacrament meeting.  I thought for a minute, then concluded that they were actually pretty good.  It's not usually that pleasant, but we were in a short bench, which I think is the spot that produces the most reverence for my children.  If only we could be early enough for that spot each week...

• We  had the craziest Saturday- I think out of all my Saturdays.  The poor Grovecrest 5K was again scheduled on a day with terrible weather.  Those PTA ladies deserve a hug because they put so much work into this event and the weather is bad nearly every year.  This year Ellery ran the Fun Run, and McKay ran the 5K.  Layla and I were spectators, along with a very dedicated, supportive pair of grandparents.  It was pouring rain for the whole race- we were out in the thick of it for over two hours!  We got our rain gear on, set up our chairs under our giant umbrella and made a little fortress on the grass of the Jr. High.  Besides the PTA, the runners, and one other lady with a stroller, we were the ONLY people there.  We were the whole crowd.  It was great and terrible at the same time.

• Ellery ran a great mile- even coming in before lots of upper grade boys!  She only walked for a little bit.  McKay did a speedy 5K with Brian, and they both got 2nd place in their age groups...which means they both got medals.  This was exciting stuff, I tell ya.  We waited around for the raffle prizes to start, and lucky enough, McKay Matthews was the first name to be drawn!  He won a space mission to the Space Center (don't know what it's called exactly) for 8 people!  It was one of their biggest prizes and we are way excited for him to go with some buddies.  Then he and Brian were awarded their medals and we all zipped home to get ready for the girls dance recital.

• Yep, we had about twenty minutes to put on leotards and get two buns perfectly placed before we headed over to the church.  Layla and Ellery have been taking dance from Miss Rachel, a former beehive of mine.  She is a great girl- and so sweet with the girls, and her dance classes have gotten even more popular this year.  There were a lot of dancers, which meant a lot of people there to watch.  

• The girls did great- they loved being on stage.  My favorite moment was in the middle of ABC, 123 Layla whisper-yelled, "Mom!  Hey mom!" and flashed me the I-Love-You sign.  Heart melted.  And seeing her cute little pot-belly and tiny bun up there dancing away- I couldn't even handle the cuteness.  

• And then there's Ellery.  She loves dance so much.  Brian and I have seen a natural talent in her in dance, and we are wondering what to do next for her.  She wants to keep dancing, so we need to make some decisions about what that means, and where that would take place.  She was fun to watch and did such a great job.

• After dance, we had another half hour to get dressed up to get back out in the rain for Mack's soccer game.  We somehow made it in time to his game in Alpine (with the grandparents still in tow- those two deserve their own medal!) and set up our little huddle under the umbrella once again.  This time it was even colder...and wetter...and more miserable.  McKay and his team did awesome in the less than ideal conditions, and I'm sure its a game he will always remember.  They were freezing and soaking wet.  His team didn't win, but McKay did score two goals!  It was awesome.

• I never really understood the feeling of loving watching kids play sports.  Baseball does not thrill me at all, and football wasn't much better.  But soccer?  I'm loving it.  And I'm totally into McKay and his little team and watching them play.  I am excited to see how he improves with each game, and it's thrilling when he does well and plays hard.  And guess what?  He's eight.  So then I kind of step back and tell myself to relax because he's eight and this is a tiny eight year old team.  But I would much rather watch that little team play, than RSL (who McKay and Brian are WAY into).  So I guess I am not such a terrible sports mother, after all.  I can do this.  

• Today the girls and I all wore pink with white sweaters.  This is another thing that thrills me.  And it wasn't even planned.  

• I got Ellery that dress at Kid 2 Kid.  She loves it!  I saw it there and knew I needed to get it for her, even though it was more than I'd usually spend on a second-hand dress.  It was long and fancy, and those two things are hard to find for six year old girls.  I told her she could use it for dress up, or wear it to church and so far, she is doing both.  She was wearing her bride dress almost everyday after school, so this is a nice addition to her small stash of fancy gowns.

• Tonight my parents came over for dinner.  It was nice having them here and visiting, except for my kids went totally insane.  It was a barrage of "Grammy look what I can do!" and "Let me show you this!" or "Guess what I did yesterday?" and "Do you want to see my dance performance?"  I could go on and on, but I was exhausted just witnessing these every-minute exchanges.  It was like they had never had visitors before!  We need to work on this...

• This week was spirit week at Grovecrest, in preparation for the 5K.  We had fun coming up with costumes for each day.  I was proud of my kids, especially McKay, for being confidant enough to dress up and participate.  It can be scary when you don't know if anyone else will, or if they will laugh at what you show up in.  I'm proud of McKay because for three days straight he was the only boy in his class to participate.  None of the other boys dressed up.  On Friday, which was nerd day, there were some other nerdy boys, but that's it.  On Disney day, McKay wore a size 3T shark suit and pinned a note on himself that said "Fish are friends, not food," making him Bruce from Finding Nemo.  I was sure he was going to chicken out on this one because the suit was super small on him and hugged him right where it counts...but he prevailed and Bruce went to school!  As we were walking there, he got a lot of attention from his costume- many comments and people thought it was funny and clever.  I thought this attention might bug him, because although he loves to make people laugh, I'm not so sure that he's comfortable with a lot of attention.  But he kept on walking and off he went.  He said he took it off after a little while in the classroom, which I expected because it looked so uncomfortable. 

• Ellery had a bad experience when she dressed up like Minnie Mouse for Disney day, and some girls in her class laughed and said Minnie Mouse was for babies.  I find that funny coming from Mulan and Tinkerbell, but whatever.  She handled it well, and it ended up being a good learning, growing experience for her too- so I'm proud of Elle.  

• This reminds me that I am reading a parenting book about listening to kids feelings and it might be changing my life.  I love finding truth in books and applying those truths to my life.  I feel grateful to have been led to find certain books that my family needs me and Brian to read lately.  

• I wish I could read more books on parenting.  Jana and I had a great conversation this week about this.  I was telling her about some books I was planning on reading and how I felt like finding them has been an answer to my prayers.  In one of the books the introduction is about how the author noticed that the majority of parents don't have a plan in the raising of their children.  They realized that this was something big enough- this raising of their children- that they wanted and needed a plan.  So they wrote one.  And soon friends and family started asking for copies of their home-made plan.  And then eventually they wrote a book about it.  

• This really hit me, because although the Gospel gives us a lot of purpose and direction in parenting and raising a family, I feel like there is so much more to it.  The social, emotional, educational, responsibility-promoting side of parenting that I really don't know much about.  And I know that Brian and I will benefit from making and implementing more specific plans for our family.  Jana talked about how Heavenly Father did not just "wing it" when he created the world...He made plans.  It really made me think.  So that it is the story of why I'm reading parenting books right now.  I'm making us some plans...

• We had fun dying Easter eggs last week.  Layla was particularly excited about this.  It was fun for all of us.

• Earlier that day, I was working in the garden in the backyard and the girls were playing out front.  At one point I started hearing some crying and it sounded like it was coming from across the backyard- far away.  After a few minutes, I decided that the crying was more like screaming and it sounded pretty intense, so I thought I'd better go check my girls.  I got to the driveway and realized it was Ellery screaming.  I ran to find her at the front door, with her finger shut and stuck in the closed door, with Layla hovering around her trying to offer comfort.  Ellery was yelling, "GO GET MOM!  SHE'LL KNOW WHAT TO DO!"  Layla didn't want to leave her, and Elle was desperatley trying to get her to go find me.  Poor little thing.  I got to her and tried to open the door but it wouldn't budge.  A little bit of panic hit me, because I knew I just had to push the door open hard.  I did it and out came the most bruised, swollen, disfigured finger you've ever seen.  I have no doubt it hurt like crazy, and was super scary for Ellery.  She was not herself for the rest of the day.  She was pale and super sad and laid on the couch with her hand on a pillow, watching tv.  I tried to get her to ice it, but she didn't want anything touching it.  We worried it might be broken, just because of how she was acting (similar to when Layla broke her wrist) but the nurse said that there's not much they can do but put a splint on it.  So a couple days later we got a splint and she was really happy to wave that thing around for all to see.  She is fine now, but it was quite an ordeal.  I felt so bad that I left her there for that long, not knowing it was my child in distress.

• Since that incident, Layla has asked me to put her owies (wherever they may be) on a pillow and lay on the couch with an ice pack.  It's the only thing that will help sometimes.
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• We had a great Easter last Sunday.  We had a fun BBQ and Easter egg hunt up the canyon with the Matthews', and then had dinner at Grandma and Granddad's the next day.  We did our own Easter egg hunt that morning, which was fun, and ended the day with our Resurrection egg lesson.  It was a nice weekend.

•  I really love getting my girls Easter dresses, and my boy and Easter tie.  This year I bought Ellery's dress about a month early, and was having a hard time finding anything for Layla.  Then at a last attempt at Target, I found that little gem.  They coordinated perfectly and the girls looked so cute in them.  McKay wanted a pink tie, and Brian went with him to pick one out.  He decided on pink and gray plaid.  

• McKay climbs this tree in Grandma and Granddad's backyard and he gets so high that I can't even watch.  I love it and hate it at the same time.

Happy Sunday from my happy family.

on getting a dog

Right now a dog sits at my feet as I type this.  I don't think I ever blogged about Ollie, or Scout as he was once known, but dog-sitting him for the last two weeks has caused me to realize some things.

First, I like having a dog.  Second, I don't.  It's hard to be indecisive about this issue, and perhaps that is why it didn't work out when we first got him.  I'd imagine most people would have to be fully committed before you get a dog (and keep it)...or at least give it two or three weeks to tip you one way or the other.  But for me, I honestly haven't been tipped.

I love having a dog around our family because it helps us be active.  Running around outside is a lot of fun with a dog.  We've gone on all sorts of winter walks that we otherwise wouldn't have taken.  I love that.  I want him to have exercise and I am really happy when me and my family can do that together too.  Tonight we all went over to the church to break up our long Sunday in the house and to get out some energy.  I wouldn't have thought about going if it weren't for the dog, because I wanted him to jump and run around a little.  The kids had so much fun racing with him, running around, chasing him.
Running around the church is funner with Ollie there.

I also have seen how dogs really can be loyal companions.  Ollie loves me.  He really does.  He cries when I leave, he follows me everywhere, he jumps around like an idiot every morning like he hasn't seen me forever, he stays close to me when we walk and barks when he thinks I'm threatened.  It really is remarkable, and I feel like I kind of know a little about how dog owners feel from their loyal sidekicks.  He also loves the kids and has started to cry when they leave for school.

I've seen an interesting relationship form between Layla and this dog.  It's almost like she is seizing the opportunity to boost her rank in the family and that means being bossy, passive aggressive, and sometimes practicing her physical prowess out on him.  In turn he is extremely jealous of my attention to her and feels threatened by that little three foot human, resulting in overwhelming licking and getting in her face.  But I've also seen her play with him when the other kids aren't home, and talk to him exactly the way I remember talking to my first dog, Daisy, when I was little.  They aren't best friends by any means, but given the opportunity, it could happen.  I think of the fond memories from my childhood of my dogs and I would love that for my own kids.


Now, the reasons I don't want a dog are far simpler and, honestly, more powerful.  I HATE having to come home because he's already been in his crate for three hours- so we can't go here and we can't do that and we have to leave here early.  I now understand my parents always constant rush to get home.  I hate that rush.  I do not like an animal dictating my schedule.  And I hate feeling guilty for being gone too long, or out too often.

A couple days ago McKay and Ellery had new friends (siblings!) over to play.  At the door as their mom dropped them off I couldn't help but notice the piles of dog poo all over our front yard- littering our crusty, white snow.  It offended me and I wondered if she noticed too.  When she left I picked them up- chipping them out of the frozen snow with a shovel.  Just...gross...our snow will never be the same.

As much as I've enjoyed my sneak peak into the loyalty a dog provides, I've also grown tired of the constant companionship.  He follows me everywhere.  He will be in a dead sleep and I will walk from the kitchen to the stairs and he is beside me in seconds.  He lays outside the shower, waiting for me to finish.  He wants to come with me whenever he can tell I'm leaving the house.  He's always there.  I do like when he accompanies me to the basement (because who likes to go to the basement alone?) but I get tired, for him and me, of the following.

As we ran around the church tonight, enjoying the fresh air and exercise, a man walked out of the building.  Ollie, protecting his clan, ran up to him and started barking.  The man did not enjoy this and I felt terrible.  That is something I definitely don't like about having a dog.  It's hard and uncomfortable to have to worry about how other people are feeling around your dog.  People coming to your home, people he barks at on a walk...

Then there's the chewing- he's still a puppy and it's almost constant.  We've lost several socks, a couple chapsticks, and a few toys.  It's exhausting keeping things off the floor at all times, and frustrating when we forget.


Even with all that bad, I still think he's cute and funny and soft and sweet.  Yet, I still can't decide, so maybe our current situation isn't so bad.  My parents took this dog for us, and we have a long-standing babysitting gig.  I don't want a dog, but sometimes it's fun to have one for a little bit.  So it all worked out.  I think back about our crazy decision to get him in the first place and I feel embarrassed, regret and like a terrible parent...but then I think about how much my dad loves this dog- the happiness and loyalty that he brings to him- and I think maybe that decision wasn't so bad after all.  We brought them together.  There's no regret in that.