first day

Tuesday was the first day of school.  I had such good intentions of everything going smoothly.  I spent the night before planning what needed to happen and when.  I'd get up early, have everything ready, make a nice breakfast and we'd enjoy walking to school.  

Everything was going fine, until I asked McKay to practice piano while I made him eggs and toast.  The world pretty much fell apart right at that moment.  Whines like I'd never heard escaped my boys mouth.  I tried to be patient.  I did.  The whines- so high pitched and squeaky that I could almost not understand the words- continued.  

My perfect plan was not panning out.  I left the eggs on the stove and went in with him to the piano. The piano that I know nothing about.  I know he likes to have someone sit with him and help him along with every step, so still trying to hold on to our peaceful morning, I tried.  The trouble is, I cannot be that person.  I chose patience, and patience failed me.  Or I failed, rather.  

I'll skip to the end and say that things escalated, tears were shed- not by me, threats were made, pleads were ignored and I marched like a two year old all the way up the stairs making sure each step made and exaggerated stomp and put myself in a time out.  

This was not the first day of school morning I had in mind.  My son was crying and with each tear I had gotten more and more mad at him for crying because IT WAS THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL! YOU CAN'T CRY ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!  I did NOT want to be that mother who sends her boy to off to school with anything but a happy morning.  We both felt horrible.  I actually felt like I was the worst mother in the world, yet simultaneously knew that I was right and it wasn't me who started this.  That's called pride, I'm learning.  I finally decided we weren't walking- we needed the time to calm down- and I had to do my best to make it right.

I went back downstairs and hugged my boy and told him the things I needed to tell him for us both to feel better.  We worked on getting his tear marks off his face and tying his shoes tight so they wouldn't come undone.  Pretty soon it was time for him to go and we walked him to his classroom.  He was a little nervous, but still excited.  He fell in line behind his classmates and walked into the second grade.  

I still felt awful.  I felt so guilty, mad, frustrated, horrible and did I say guilty?  It continued to ruin my day.  What kind of mother sends her kid off to school in tears?  My day did not improve much, and I kept worrying about him and if our sour note had affected his day too.

At 3:42 he came bounding in the door.  He was smiling- his eyes bright with anticipation for the chocolate chip cookies he knew would be waiting for him.  I sat down next to him while he stuffed cookie, after cookie into his mouth.  He had a great day.  He was fine.  He was happy. He recovered and most importantly he forgave me.  In fact, he wasn't even thinking about our morning.  He was completely over it.

It was yet another lesson my children teach me over and over again.  You can mess up and be a bad parent and be embarrassingly immature and ridiculous and when you decide to grow up and be sorry they will almost immediately forgive you.  And forget.  

I think of those scriptures that teach us to become as little children and I wonder how much more peaceful our lives would be if we could actually do that.  How peaceful it would be to forgive so easily and move on.  McKay and I had the same morning, yet his day was remarkably better than mine for that reason alone.  I held on to guilt, anger and regret; he did not. 

Even though he didn't practice that morning and piano remains to be a source of frustration for me 

right now, I'm grateful for that morning and what it taught me and I'm grateful for children who are so willing to forgive their less than perfect mother when she makes mistakes...over...and over...and over again.

just like me

The first time she asked me, I really had no idea where it came from.  I didn't know the reasoning behind it or what that question really meant to her.

"Mom, when I grow up what size will I be?"

My "I don't know, sweetie," did not satisfy.

"But mom, will I be like your size?"

Remembering a pediatrician telling me once that children's weight and size often reflects that of their parents, I told her, "Yes- you will probably be my size."

Satisfaction washed over her face.  

* * *

The next time she asked me it all made sense.  

We were in Home Depot walking by the popcorn machine.  A morbidly obese lady was sitting next to the popcorn table.  

I saw her look, just like kids do, and we continued on our way.

Not thirty seconds later she asked me again.

"Mom, when I grow up what size will I be?"

This time I saw the worry in her eyes.  I saw that she was scared.  She wanted reassurance.  It all made sense to me now- the questions, the concern.  When I told her she would probably be my size relief instantly replaced the worry.

I don't write about this because of the effect it had on Ellery, quite the opposite actually.  This was a huge wake-up call for me.  She wants to be like me.  She feels relief knowing that she will be my size.  She wants to be my size.  

She doesn't see my love handles, my giggly belly or my square torso.  She doesn't worry about having my unshapely rear or bowed legs.  She's not scared of my back-fat.  She wants to be like me.

I recently read an article on Facebook about the power mothers have on their daughters regarding body image.  It was powerfully written from the perspective of a child thinking her mother was the most beautiful person in the world, then that perspective being tainted with the mother's self depreciating comments and obvious distaste for her body.  

That article struck me too, and I found myself at a crossroads with my own little girl.  I try to be careful about what I say about myself out loud.  I don't want my kids to hear how I think I'm overweight or how dissatisfied I am with my non-existent abs.  But somehow, that article and my Ellery's longing to look like me when she grows up put it all into perspective for me.  'Fake it 'til you make it' might have to be my motto- but I am determined to do all I can to help my girls hang on to their positive body image...and their positive body image of me.  That means I have to do some serious self acceptance and work hard to change my thought process.

I want to celebrate the body God gave me.  I want to work hard to keep it healthy, not to make it thinner or firmer, but to make it healthy.  I want the words healthy and unhealthy to obliterate the words skinny and fat in my home.  

This will take work.  This will take changing a lot of my thought patterns and ideas that have been ingrained in me since I was a child.  But thinking about my girls, how they look up to me and how they could quite possibly think that I am the most beautiful woman in their world, it is worth it. 

Because if they think I am beautiful, maybe- just maybe- they will be able to continually see that in themselves throughout all sizes and weights that they as women will experience.  

This is my hope, anyway.

And maybe- just maybe- if they can accept me for how I am right now, I will be able to too.

my baby is a big girl

When Layla broke her arm from jumping out her crib, I knew it really was time to get her into a big girl bed.  It took me a few months to make the transition- mostly because I wanted to finally decorate the girls room before I did it.  This meant paint the walls, re-do furniture and find bedding.  It took longer than I thought, but towards the end of July she finally made the switch! 

I had to take one last picture of her in the crib- and wouldn't you know it, she was in a swim suite when I did it.  Lucky for us it was the swimsuit that she has created for herself out of an old tankini top and a swim diaper bottom.  She doesn't know it's a swim diaper.  I love when she finds this ensemble, which is often.  I love that she thinks its cute.

  

It was a bit hard for me to say goodbye to the crib.  It's just the end of so much.

We had been building this up for months- she probably never thought it would actually happen.  That's probably why she was so excited when it finally did.

She did really great the first night!  She only came out once, right after we said goodnight, to get a drink.  After that she went right to sleep.  

Luckily she is in there with the pro sleeper in our house- Ellery.  Elle rarely complains or whines about going to bed, rarely comes out once we've put her to bed, and now never has problems in the middle of the night (now that she's not throwing up anymore).  So we are happy that Layla gets a roommate that is the perfect sleeping example for her.

It's been about a month since that first night and she's done pretty well.  She comes out occasionally, but it's really been a smooth transition and she is thrilled to be a big girl. 

  I probably confuse this girl so much because I am always telling her how big she is, yet in the next breath hugging her and calling her my baby.  But she is.  She'll always be my baby, so I guess she better get used to it.  I really love her. 

first half of july in photos

The kids had a dentist appointment and I was surprised and elated that no one had cavities!  I was sure that McKay would, and pretty positive that Layla did too.  Shows what I know.  I'm proud of them...or maybe more proud of me.  Brian thinks I'm crazy every time I want them to floss- but no cavities!

These two.  This is Ellery's go-to silly face.  She's proud of this face.

Ah, it's hard to admit that it's taken me seven years to have my kids start unloading the dishwasher consistently.  This summer it has finally become part of their life for good.  Layla does the silverware and the other two take turns picking the top or bottom.  Top is valuable, bottom is dreaded.  I am super particular with the kids dishes in the kids drawer.  Certain bowls stack into other bowls and same goes with the plates.  It's a bit of a puzzle if you don't know how to do it and can be an explosion of kids dishes if they aren't stacked right.  I've spent plenty of time showing them just how to make it fit the very best way.  Usually they do it and that makes me happy.

Spontaneous craft project early one summer morning.  Painting and decorating rocks, I think.  All on their own.  Love when that happens.

We tried to go to Colonial Days after the fourth, but a thunderstorm ruined it for us.  We went back to Darrell and Jenn's and did some fireworks and the kids loved it.  Darrell and Brian kinda loved it too.  Boys and fireworks...I don't know.

We have had quite a few thunderstorms in July, which has been unusual.  We have loved it though.  Several nights Brian and I have sat out on our deck and just enjoyed being out in the storm, but completely safe and covered.  I love our deck.  It's one of my favorite things about our house.  

Our friends Cathy and Tyler Hollist were sealed to their baby Brayden and we got to be there with them.  I had never been to an adoption sealing before and it was a really sweet experience.  I love these people.  They were so good to me in Oregon and such great neighbors.  Seeing them made me miss them and Oregon.  My mom and dad watched the kids and Brian and I made a date out of it- going to lunch after and doing a little shopping at City Creek.  It was fun to be on a date in the day.

So I am not a huge Neon Trees fan...not because I don't like them, just because I don't know a lot of their music.  I just know the few that get played on the radio.  So that's why it's really surprising that I recognized the lead singer in line behind me at Macey's.  I asked him if he was the lead singer of Neon Trees and he said yes and I acted totally cool and told him I was a fan of his music (which is an overstatement, but it just came out on account of me being cool, remember?).  We conversed for a bit about how he lives in Pleasant Grove and after he said "nice meeting you" I walked as cool as a Neon Trees "fan" could walk out to my car.  Then, I got out my phone and took a picture of him at a stoplight, you know, for proof purposes.  Brian still had a hard time believing me...until he saw him at Macey's the next week!  Writing so much over a celebrity I don't even know about or particularly like confuses me.

Seriously, this kid is a Cub Scout.  I can hardly believe it!  Actually, technically he is not a Cub Scout yet, but they let him go to Day Camp because he's close.  He was so excited- woke up well before the six a.m. alarm clock.  In fact, he was laying in our bed as we had been trying to convince him that he didn't need to wake up until the clock said 6:00.  I was  mid-sentence when those double zero's appeared and he popped out of bed saying "It's time to go!" and was down the hall getting dressed before I knew what had happened.  That is so McKay.  Super excited and completely committed to the things he's passionate about.  He had a great day- loved archery and the general store the most.  He came home with a rabbit's foot and I can't believe it but I forgot what other kind of creature skin her purchased that day...something else though.  He was happy and the leaders said he was wide-eyed and focused for every single thing they did.  He told me he was too excited to eat lunch.  I love this Cub Scout. and his exhausting enthusiasm.  

We were happy to see Missy and the girls one last time before they left, after the reunion.  They played so well together.  Addie and Ellery are the best of friends and it makes my heart sad that they don't live closer to each other.  

We will miss our Alaska cousins.  We love those girls.

Sometimes I forget that a bath with some toys is one of the best and easiest ways to entertain this water baby.  

Just because it's been awhile.  

My sneaky little snitcher girl.  I was making dinner for a neighbor and she went through half the package when I was answering the door.  

matthews reunion 2013

This year the Matthews reunion was in Park City.  McKay and Adele rented a big house that fit all of us comfortably.  It was a great couple days with all of us together.  I am really lucky to have the in-laws I do.  I love them and I always love being with them.  

Some highlights that I should note include

• Walking main street
• Getting rock crystal candy
• Spotting the moose all over town
• A very fancy tea party hosted by the aunts
• Taylor Swift dance party
• Boys trip to Olympic Park
• Kids making a teepee out in the wilderness
• Play-doh swords
• Balloon Stomp
• Designing our own plates
• Poor Iris keeping her parents up all night
• Me and Bri bunking in bunk beds with our kids (fun!)
• Impromptu girls night (plus one boy) at the outlets
• Hot tub
• Swimming on Saturday
• Making hot dog sticks- quick for the kids, hours for adults :)
• Morning walk in beautiful Park City
• Delicious chocolate zucchini cake
• Early church
• Maffia- why do we play such a stress inducing game?

In an effort to be better at actually blogging fun events such as this, I made that list and am just putting pictures on their own.  

thoughts on a sunday

• Today in church- Layla: "Mom, pretend I am your pet geek."  Followed by little chirpings of "geek, geek", because naturally that is what a geek sounds like.

• I forgot to mention last week that on June 19th my niece, Kara, began her mission.  She is going to Orlando, Florida, after a stay in the MTC of course.  I am so excited for her- she really is an amazing girl- and so happy that she is the very first full time missionary from the Fuehrer side.  

• That reminds me that at her farewell McKay was sitting by my dad.  I told him about how when I was a little girl sitting by Poppy, I would try to get his wedding ring off, which was a really hard thing to do.  I remember twisting and turning and pulling my dad's poor ring finger, and rarely having success.  Then he would magically pull it off with a lot less effort than I, and I would be amazed.  McKay got to sit next to Poppy and do the same thing, with the same unsuccessful effort and the same amazement when he pulled it off himself.  Kinda special.

• We went to Thunder Mountain on Friday.  We were so anxious to go because it was a million degrees at home, so we thought escaping to the much cooler mountains would be a really brilliant idea.  It was nice up there- I loved the feeling of putting on a sweatshirt when it got just a bit chilly.  We all slept in the unfinished cabin- with Grandma and Grandad, too- which was an adventure.    

• McKay was in heaven up there- riding the four wheeler and shooting bb guns.  He drove us a bit crazy with all the asking...and asking...and asking.  In fact, all of the kids had a hard time entertaining themselves which honestly drives Brian and I a little crazy.  Or a lot.  It's just hard for me to understand how they can't use their imaginations and play on their own out in such a beautiful and different environment.  We had a long talk on the way home about it and I hope it can be different next time we go up.  

• The kids were pretty exhausted on the way home and ALL THREE of them fell asleep.  That never happens.  When we got home we were all dirty and hot, so I decided to let the kids run in the sprinklers...which turned into them playing on the slip 'n slide...which turned into me and Brian being so hot watching them, that we got in our suits and played on the slip 'n slide with them.  It was one of those fun, spontaneous things that the kids absolutely loved.  I am a bit worried that they will expect us to join them from now on.  They might be disappointed.

• I signed Ellery up for a gymnastics class at the rec center.  When we got there for her first lesson, the director overheard McKay politely ask and Layla rudely scream to take gymnastics too.  She then told me that they had lessons for both of their age groups at the same time if I wanted to sign them all up.  I wasn't sure I should take that away from Ellery, but then the thought of having them all do something active and fun and the convenience of it being all at the same time won me over.  So now we have three little gymnasts around here.  Ellery and McKay have learned how to do a back-bend and are proud of it!  McKay loved doing the vault and Ellery is trying to perfect her rolls (standing somersault things).  

• Layla had her cast on the first class and got a lot of attention for it, like usual.  She is actually younger than her class, but the director assured me she could do it.  Well, she kind of can't.  She can hang on the bars and do bunny hops (kind of) and all that, but she kept coming over to me during her second class and I finally had to take her out because she wasn't listening. . .you know, 'cause she's two.  Well, she threw the most ginormous tantrum outside the building.  She was calling me names- which was series of made up words that rhyme with stupey and mopey.  She also resorted to stripping down to her undies to make me mad.  It didn't make me mad, but it did make me reach for my camera.  We're going to try again next week and hope it goes better.  I've been prepping her a lot so I think it will.  Fingers crossed for my feisty two year old gymnast!

• So Layla's cast is now gone.  I am relieved, except I was just a tad sad to see it go.  Why?  I don't know.  She was as brave as always when they got out a big metal saw to cut it off.  She impresses everyone during her medical procedures- she never cries.  She was excited to see that little arm again and I am glad she's back to being two-handed.

• So above is Ellery's before and after shot.  She lost a front tooth last night, which as you know, is a very big deal.  Although I do love seeing that big gap, I was a little sad to see the tooth come out.  It's just feels like when those front teeth come out they are never the same again- it's the end of her being little and the start of the awkward teeth growing years- and we all know we grow them big around here!  Plus, she is only five!  The other one is not far behind and I'm sure Brian will be working on it as soon as she'll let him.  

• It was mine and Brian's birthday week this week.  This year we celebrated on the 26th for both of us.  We went to Pizzeria 712 and World War Z.  I picked the restaurant and spent half of the movie with my eyes closed- you can probably guess who picked that.  Grandma and Grandad watched the kids for us, and even let them sleep over that night.  It was a fun night and a great way to celebrate turning 32!

• Brian's birthday was the day before and he worked until the afternoon.  I got him a dutch oven and some socks that he doesn't like and a bag of charcoal.  That's kind of sad.  I mean, he liked the dutch oven, but that was really all he got.  I didn't even make him a cake- I just bought him a cheesecake from Costco which was just okay.  And then I went to young women's.  I felt bad because his birthday was kind of a dud, but he kept saying it was good because he had nothing planned for mine since he'd be working late that day.  So we were both okay.

• Brian did really like his dutch oven- even though he had known for probably a month that I had gotten it for him.  I wrote down the word "lodge" and a price on a sticky note and he saw it and knew exactly what it was.  He didn't tell me until the day before his birthday that he knew, but I still can't believe he cracked the code from the word lodge.  Anyway, I love giving presents to Brian because he opens them right up and looks at them and holds them and reads about them.  It's nice because I think if someone would have given me a dutch oven I would have opened it seconds before I actually used it.  Not Brian- at one point I saw him cradeling the lid of the dutch oven, stroking it with a loving gaze.  This made me so happy.

• My birthday was fun too.  I got to go to lunch with Lisa and Jana at Kneaders- my favorite.  Then I went to Jana's and just hung out at her house until it was time for the Lehi horse parade.  So I  mentioned how hot it was this week- well Thursday was no exception.  It was HOT and we were HOT at the horse parade.  But it was still fun.

• Brian surprised me with a pearl necklace for my birthday, and a box of Sees chocolates with a candle on top.  I love the necklace so much.  He said he'd been thinking how since it is my birth stone I should have a real string of pearls.  I think that's really thoughtful and I love when he's thoughtful like that.  Ellery went with him to pick them out and she thought it was the greatest thing to pick out jewelry for mom.  She even kept it a secret for almost a week!

• Last week in young women's we talked about honoring and supporting the priesthood, and how we as {young} women could do that.  I think sometimes this can be a difficult thing for young girls to relate to.  They don't have it, and so it's hard for them to know how they can help.  We talked about how asking for blessings more often is one thing we can do to support those who hold the priesthood in our homes.  This really struck me and I realize that there is a power in my home that I am not utilizing as much as I should.  It also made me realize that doing that will not only help me, but can help me support Brian in his priesthood responsibilities, which in turn can help him.  So, Bri- you have been warned!