50

Sometimes I look at the man I'm married to and think, "Who are you?"  

Not often, but every once in awhile I will have this strange thought process where I recognize that even though we are "one" in marriage and we feel like "one" most of the time, really, he is this individual person with his own thoughts running through his head that I don't know anything about.  

Who is he and really, what is going through his head?

Such is the thought I had when Brian decided to run 50 miles.

I do know of some of the thoughts that led to this decision.  He had a goal, a dream, I guess you could call it.  And although it was sometimes hard on our whole family, supporting his dream was important to me.  I wanted to be able to do that for him.  And every time I would start to feel annoyed, frustrated or resentful of all the time and effort he was putting into the training, I would go back to that.

One thing I really love watching is the prep that goes in to the night before a big race.  This was the biggest yet.  I love seeing his supplies laid out perfectly the night before, just like I used to do with my Easter dresses when I was little.

That whole day I was kind of in a fog.  Brian started running at 5:00 a.m.  At 10:00 I realized he'd been running for five hours.  Every couple hours I would calculate his progress in my head.  By the time we ate dinner he had been running for 12 hours.  It just completely blew my mind and I had a really hard time focusing or being productive at all that day because my mind was with him.  

We were all able to gather at Big Springs to cheer them on at the last aid station.  We waited quite a while, and finally we saw them coming down the trail.  

Brian was focused, emotional and serious (and maybe quite miserable) and McKay was as smiley and cheerful as I've ever seen.  They got their drinks and whatever else they needed and stood with us for a few minutes, and then they were off again to finish the last two miles. 

I really love this picture.  These two are great partners.

We went back down to the bottom to the finish line and in soon enough they came running through!  They did it!

I am so proud of him!  He is such an example of hard work, motivation, dedication and self control.  They finished within their goal time.  And really, they finished.  That is just impressive in and of itself.  I know he would have liked a faster time and to feel better after, but I think they were amazing and am so proud.

Brian was in a bit of a daze at the end.  He had pretty bad kidney pain for the last ten miles and was dehydrated.  He sat down on the grass and the kids gathered around him like he was a celebrity.  

I love how amazed they were at their dad.  They don't really understand how far he ran and how hard it was, but I kept trying to tell them that it was a big thing he was doing and I think they got that.  He is their hero for sure, and I'm glad he's such a good example of working hard at a goal and completing it.

  

At the end of the night as he was laying in bed next to me- sick, exhausted, dehydrated with his legs involuntarily twitching with exaggerated movements every few seconds I knew that he would do this race again.  I thought maybe he might die that night, but I knew if he didn't, he would be running the Squaw Peak 50 another time.

I have said all along that we'd see how this race went before he went on to another.  After this, I felt strongly that I would not be able to support a 100 mile race.  No question.  But I knew that he would have to push himself again, to improve. . .to prove to himself that he could do this 50 miler better, stronger, faster.  That's just the way he is.  And at least one more time, I can support that dream of his.

Good job Team Matthews.

may photos

My girls needed work on their bubble blowing for swim lessons.  I forgot to have them do it in the bath, so this is what we did.  They loved it and water was everywhere.  

Layla got invited to her first birthday party by her friends Traverz.  She was so excited about this.

This is on the way to a play date with Ava, our next door neighbor.  We knocked on the the door and guess what who greeted us?  Belle!  They were wearing the exact same dress.  

This year's fairy garden. 

Brian making my favorite food to bring to dinner on Mother's Day.  Mashed potatoes!

Pinewood derby prep.  Love this moment.

Twins.

Enjoying this warm spring weather.

Layla learned how to whistle.  It was soft and sporadic, but it was there.  After only one week of practice, she can actually really whistle quite well.  

Two naked pics, sorry.  But this started out by me filling up the sink for her to play mermaids while standing on a stool.  

My sweet girls.  I love them.

Maybe one of my favorite pictures ever.  Free time at swimming lessons.

Brian being the very important Cub Committee Chair/judge at the pinewood derby.

The whole group.  It was a fun night- so different than what I expected.

This is gonna get me in trouble, but this is how men play dress up.  Get new gear, try it on for fun.  Dress up.

McKay's last soccer game.  Look at those cheeks!  It was the first intense game we've experienced as spectators with the other team.  Sad note to end on, but McKay had two awesome goals and a great season, so we're happy.  He has surprised Brian and I with his determination and competitiveness- mostly with himself.  He plays hard and has improved so much since the Fall season.  And I am a happy soccer mom- it's fun to watch!

The Green Dragons!  A great group of boys and two awesome coaches.  Can't wait for next year.

the busiest week of my year

The last week of school.  It is fun, it is busy and it feels like it's never going to end.  

Working out goes out the window.  Eating out moves right on in.  

This is just some of what the last few days looked like.

The dance festival.  I love it.  It's kind of hot and a little bit miserable for that reason, but so fun to gather together as supportive parents and watch kids of all ages perform what they have been learning and practicing for weeks.  

This year McKay danced to Supercalifragilisticexpalidocious (wow- did I maybe spell that right?) from Mary Poppins.  He was partnered with a girl named Shayna and if he had to be partnered with a girl, she was the best case scenario for him.  Seeing him dance around in his black church pants and white undershirt made me happy.  

Ellery's grade did Under the Sea and am I allowed to say that she was the best one?  Well...the best one in my line of sight anyway.  Brian and I both recognized how thoroughly she can shake those hips.  In the picture above you can see her in the front row- light green shirt with her hands up.  

On to the fun run.   

This event gets me teary every time.  These kids support each other and it's inspiring.  Healthy competition is good and both of my kids wanted to win their race.  Neither of them did, but they tried and ran hard and I was proud of them for that.

But what brings me to tears is how the whole school will come together to root for those who are behind.  Like way behind.  Cheers will suddenly become louder and a name will be heard rising from the crowd of students, chanted louder and louder.  And that little kid will just keep going, one foot in front of the other, often times with instant support on each side of them that shows up for the last stretch of the race.  It gives me chills every time to watch.  I love that about this school.  

This is most of the buddy club.  Aiden, Skylar, McKay, Josh and Dawson in the front.  McKay has had such a great class this year.  He loves his teacher, and the boys in his class are super good friends and include each other.  It has been a really good year for McKay.  He came in 7th in second grade boys in the Fun Run.  He pushed it hard right at the end and sprinted to the finish, passing a few boys in the process.  Sounds like someone I know...

Ellery was not interested in the run at all leading up to it.  But she surprised me, as she often does, and really tried her best.  She came in 8th in kindergarten girls and did awesome.  I was proud of her for working hard and putting effort in.  

Ellery had her end of season gymnastics performance.  

It was fun to watch her, and she got a medal.  This is a big deal because with all the sports McKay has played, he's collected a little stash of medals.  This is a first for Elle and she is thrilled about it.  

This is her class.  She moved up half way through this year and has improved a lot since doing that.  She is the youngest in this class- the only kindergartner, among first and second graders.  I think that is pretty awesome.  She loves gymnastics and will surely do a cartwheel anywhere there is room for it.  I remember not even a year ago when she didn't know how to do a cartwheel.  She's doing awesome.

McKay and Mrs. Herman.  Am I the weird mom who comes in to take a picture of my kids and their teacher on the last day of school?  After the fact, I felt like I was totally weird for doing that.  

Ellery and Mrs. McAllister.  She is the sweetest teacher and Elle has had a good year in her class.  

Okay, now I'm feeling really weird that I make them pose outside the school....I don't remember people doing this when I was in school.  Maybe I should let this go next year.  That will be hard.  Either way, school's out!!!  I am so ready to be done with the morning routine and being on the school's schedule.  However, I am not sure I'm ready to have my three kids home ALL THE TIME.  It could be a little rough over here.

Having a neighborhood shave ice party to celebrate was a pretty good distraction from my summer panic though.  I went through over 50 cups, so it was a good turnout, but it was super stressful shaving the ice by myself.  Brian usually does it and I wish he'd been there.  McKay and Ellery were so excited to do this, and I'm glad we did.  Fun stress!

Right after I cleaned up the stickiness that was coating my driveway, I headed up to Timp Cave with the wolves.  I hadn't done that hike since I was a Merry Miss (!) and I was glad I got to go and help.  

And with this cute little cub scout, that's the end of our last week of school!  Bring on summer...

a great reason to celebrate

There is no other kindergartner more dedicated to her performance as my Ellery.  This was the biggest deal in her life.  For weeks she would give us little, tiny tidbits of songs she was learning, careful to not give too much away.  She would proudly declare when they had memorized a whole song and trick us by singing the tune but not the "new" words that she had been taught for this special occasion.  

The day finally came- she was ready!  And she sang her little heart out.  She sang and she sang for about twenty minutes...and then it was over.  Just like that.  

Camryn Oborn and Maddie Wisner are Elle's best friends this year, and also the carpool crew.  I am so glad she has sweet little friends.

Luckily, this time I told Grandma and Granddad the right day and time, and they were there to support Elle.  We went to lunch at Costa Vida after to celebrate.  McKay even got checked out to join us.

I am proud of Ellery and the kind of student she is.  As a mom, there are always characteristics that you notice in your children, both good and bad.  I know Ellery has some weaknesses, as we all do, but I also know her strengths.  She is a great student.  Smart, self sufficient, and on her own doesn't cause much trouble.  She is creative and serious and funny and loves affection.  She can be a great leader and is the best older sister to Layla.  

She wants to be good- this can be hard because she wants to be perfect, I see this in her already.  And luckily, most of the time she is good.  I just want her to know that it's okay to make mistakes, that we all do it, and that she is still good despite any mistakes that might come.  I want her to to be confidant in her decisions and her opinions and feelings.  I hope for her good friendships and the ability to make them so.  

I can't believe that she will be in first grade and gone from me all day.  Layla and I will feel that sting for a long time.  It will not be the same without her joining us at noon everyday.  I really dislike having a kindergartner, purely for the fact that every day is broken up into three hour blocks, but at this kindergarten celebration, I couldn't help but wish it would last a little longer.  My kids are just growing up before my very eyes and every so often I step back and notice this phenomenon...this growing up... and it shocks me.  

I'm proud of this growing girl and can't wait to see what the future holds for her.  I still get excited thinking that I get to be her mom through all of that growing up she's doing and will continue to do.  I am lucky to be here.

I believe in Him...

Just this week something sparked a memory for Ellery.  After this little spark, she asked me, "Mom, do you remember when we watched that movie about Jesus on the cross and I cried?"

It was a sweet memory, one that I had forgotten until she sparked my memory.  At the time I felt happy that Ellery was feeling something- the spirit, maybe.  When I thought back on that memory I felt happy again, thinking how sweet my girl is, and how impressed I was that she remembered something from a whole year ago.

Tonight I was going through some of my old notebooks.  Tearing out old lists that I had made over the last couple years, but mostly weeding through pages and pages of beautiful scribbles and carefully drawn princesses and flowers.  There were some that were just too sweet or precious to tear out- and those still remain, but my notebooks get confiscated a lot and return with all sorts of markings- so some of them had to go.  

I came across a page titled "tos", which is short for thoughts on a sunday.  I keep little lists to help me remember what I want to record on my blog.  I read down the list and came across the following notation:

"I believe in Him," after crying at the Lamb of God.

Then I remembered again.  After watching the Savior walk through the crowds or jeering people, carrying the cross; after seeing Him nailed to the cross and left there to suffer and die; after hearing Him cry to His Father, and finally leaving this earth, his body lifeless still up on that cross- my child felt something indeed.  She whispered to me, a couple tears running down her round little cheeks, "I believe in Him, mamma."

I hugged her, I remember, and explained what it was she might be feeling.

Tonight, I'm thinking about this tender experience with my little Ellery and there are a couple things that keep coming to mind.  

With my own children at home, and working with the young women, I often wonder when they will really know for themselves that someone is listening to them.  When will they know "Dear Heavenly Father..." is so much  more than words they repeat each night?  When will they connect that they are actually asking someone who is real for blessings, and thanking someone who is real for ones they already have?  

My then five year old was able to have an experience that helped to bridge that gap of relying on what we tell her is true, to believing in that truth herself.  And she still remembers.  That is precious and remarkable to me.  

I know that kids can feel the Spirit and I know some can even develop their own firm testimonies at a young age.  But I also know that for many children feeling something real like that is not a common feeling when you're young.  I can think of just a few in my own childhood, before I turned twelve.  Maybe just a couple.  

McKay has also had a few experiences with prayer where I know he's feeling the Spirit and those times are so special to me too.  I'm extremely happy and grateful when I see my children feeling the love of Heavenly Father, and grateful that each experience will add to their tiny- yet strong- developing testimonies.

This weekend I am feeling so much love from my Heavenly Father when I pray to Him.  He has answered some of my deepest pleadings and has lifted me up where I need lifting, and I am so grateful because I really needed it.  It's funny, sometimes, for me, my spirit seems so connected and I feel those real experiences and spiritual feelings often.  And sometimes I go for quite awhile without having one to remind me what I believe.  It doesn't make me stop believing during those times, but it makes it that much sweeter when I do feel one of those strong impressions of love or forgiveness or prompting.

I believe in Him too. 

thoughts on a sunday (from a couple weeks ago)

• Layla has been into reading the scriptures lately.  This means that she carries around her Book of Mormon and asks me if I want her to "read" it to me.  When I say yes, then she opens it up and begins a story.  I will have to ask her to "read" to me tomorrow so I can remember what she says, but it's pretty cute.  

• Today she brought her scriptures to church.  She carried them around all three hours, and home again.  They got pretty heavy going up our hill.  

• The people sitting in front of us commented on how well behaved our kids were in Sacrament meeting.  I thought for a minute, then concluded that they were actually pretty good.  It's not usually that pleasant, but we were in a short bench, which I think is the spot that produces the most reverence for my children.  If only we could be early enough for that spot each week...

• We  had the craziest Saturday- I think out of all my Saturdays.  The poor Grovecrest 5K was again scheduled on a day with terrible weather.  Those PTA ladies deserve a hug because they put so much work into this event and the weather is bad nearly every year.  This year Ellery ran the Fun Run, and McKay ran the 5K.  Layla and I were spectators, along with a very dedicated, supportive pair of grandparents.  It was pouring rain for the whole race- we were out in the thick of it for over two hours!  We got our rain gear on, set up our chairs under our giant umbrella and made a little fortress on the grass of the Jr. High.  Besides the PTA, the runners, and one other lady with a stroller, we were the ONLY people there.  We were the whole crowd.  It was great and terrible at the same time.

• Ellery ran a great mile- even coming in before lots of upper grade boys!  She only walked for a little bit.  McKay did a speedy 5K with Brian, and they both got 2nd place in their age groups...which means they both got medals.  This was exciting stuff, I tell ya.  We waited around for the raffle prizes to start, and lucky enough, McKay Matthews was the first name to be drawn!  He won a space mission to the Space Center (don't know what it's called exactly) for 8 people!  It was one of their biggest prizes and we are way excited for him to go with some buddies.  Then he and Brian were awarded their medals and we all zipped home to get ready for the girls dance recital.

• Yep, we had about twenty minutes to put on leotards and get two buns perfectly placed before we headed over to the church.  Layla and Ellery have been taking dance from Miss Rachel, a former beehive of mine.  She is a great girl- and so sweet with the girls, and her dance classes have gotten even more popular this year.  There were a lot of dancers, which meant a lot of people there to watch.  

• The girls did great- they loved being on stage.  My favorite moment was in the middle of ABC, 123 Layla whisper-yelled, "Mom!  Hey mom!" and flashed me the I-Love-You sign.  Heart melted.  And seeing her cute little pot-belly and tiny bun up there dancing away- I couldn't even handle the cuteness.  

• And then there's Ellery.  She loves dance so much.  Brian and I have seen a natural talent in her in dance, and we are wondering what to do next for her.  She wants to keep dancing, so we need to make some decisions about what that means, and where that would take place.  She was fun to watch and did such a great job.

• After dance, we had another half hour to get dressed up to get back out in the rain for Mack's soccer game.  We somehow made it in time to his game in Alpine (with the grandparents still in tow- those two deserve their own medal!) and set up our little huddle under the umbrella once again.  This time it was even colder...and wetter...and more miserable.  McKay and his team did awesome in the less than ideal conditions, and I'm sure its a game he will always remember.  They were freezing and soaking wet.  His team didn't win, but McKay did score two goals!  It was awesome.

• I never really understood the feeling of loving watching kids play sports.  Baseball does not thrill me at all, and football wasn't much better.  But soccer?  I'm loving it.  And I'm totally into McKay and his little team and watching them play.  I am excited to see how he improves with each game, and it's thrilling when he does well and plays hard.  And guess what?  He's eight.  So then I kind of step back and tell myself to relax because he's eight and this is a tiny eight year old team.  But I would much rather watch that little team play, than RSL (who McKay and Brian are WAY into).  So I guess I am not such a terrible sports mother, after all.  I can do this.  

• Today the girls and I all wore pink with white sweaters.  This is another thing that thrills me.  And it wasn't even planned.  

• I got Ellery that dress at Kid 2 Kid.  She loves it!  I saw it there and knew I needed to get it for her, even though it was more than I'd usually spend on a second-hand dress.  It was long and fancy, and those two things are hard to find for six year old girls.  I told her she could use it for dress up, or wear it to church and so far, she is doing both.  She was wearing her bride dress almost everyday after school, so this is a nice addition to her small stash of fancy gowns.

• Tonight my parents came over for dinner.  It was nice having them here and visiting, except for my kids went totally insane.  It was a barrage of "Grammy look what I can do!" and "Let me show you this!" or "Guess what I did yesterday?" and "Do you want to see my dance performance?"  I could go on and on, but I was exhausted just witnessing these every-minute exchanges.  It was like they had never had visitors before!  We need to work on this...

• This week was spirit week at Grovecrest, in preparation for the 5K.  We had fun coming up with costumes for each day.  I was proud of my kids, especially McKay, for being confidant enough to dress up and participate.  It can be scary when you don't know if anyone else will, or if they will laugh at what you show up in.  I'm proud of McKay because for three days straight he was the only boy in his class to participate.  None of the other boys dressed up.  On Friday, which was nerd day, there were some other nerdy boys, but that's it.  On Disney day, McKay wore a size 3T shark suit and pinned a note on himself that said "Fish are friends, not food," making him Bruce from Finding Nemo.  I was sure he was going to chicken out on this one because the suit was super small on him and hugged him right where it counts...but he prevailed and Bruce went to school!  As we were walking there, he got a lot of attention from his costume- many comments and people thought it was funny and clever.  I thought this attention might bug him, because although he loves to make people laugh, I'm not so sure that he's comfortable with a lot of attention.  But he kept on walking and off he went.  He said he took it off after a little while in the classroom, which I expected because it looked so uncomfortable. 

• Ellery had a bad experience when she dressed up like Minnie Mouse for Disney day, and some girls in her class laughed and said Minnie Mouse was for babies.  I find that funny coming from Mulan and Tinkerbell, but whatever.  She handled it well, and it ended up being a good learning, growing experience for her too- so I'm proud of Elle.  

• This reminds me that I am reading a parenting book about listening to kids feelings and it might be changing my life.  I love finding truth in books and applying those truths to my life.  I feel grateful to have been led to find certain books that my family needs me and Brian to read lately.  

• I wish I could read more books on parenting.  Jana and I had a great conversation this week about this.  I was telling her about some books I was planning on reading and how I felt like finding them has been an answer to my prayers.  In one of the books the introduction is about how the author noticed that the majority of parents don't have a plan in the raising of their children.  They realized that this was something big enough- this raising of their children- that they wanted and needed a plan.  So they wrote one.  And soon friends and family started asking for copies of their home-made plan.  And then eventually they wrote a book about it.  

• This really hit me, because although the Gospel gives us a lot of purpose and direction in parenting and raising a family, I feel like there is so much more to it.  The social, emotional, educational, responsibility-promoting side of parenting that I really don't know much about.  And I know that Brian and I will benefit from making and implementing more specific plans for our family.  Jana talked about how Heavenly Father did not just "wing it" when he created the world...He made plans.  It really made me think.  So that it is the story of why I'm reading parenting books right now.  I'm making us some plans...

• We had fun dying Easter eggs last week.  Layla was particularly excited about this.  It was fun for all of us.

• Earlier that day, I was working in the garden in the backyard and the girls were playing out front.  At one point I started hearing some crying and it sounded like it was coming from across the backyard- far away.  After a few minutes, I decided that the crying was more like screaming and it sounded pretty intense, so I thought I'd better go check my girls.  I got to the driveway and realized it was Ellery screaming.  I ran to find her at the front door, with her finger shut and stuck in the closed door, with Layla hovering around her trying to offer comfort.  Ellery was yelling, "GO GET MOM!  SHE'LL KNOW WHAT TO DO!"  Layla didn't want to leave her, and Elle was desperatley trying to get her to go find me.  Poor little thing.  I got to her and tried to open the door but it wouldn't budge.  A little bit of panic hit me, because I knew I just had to push the door open hard.  I did it and out came the most bruised, swollen, disfigured finger you've ever seen.  I have no doubt it hurt like crazy, and was super scary for Ellery.  She was not herself for the rest of the day.  She was pale and super sad and laid on the couch with her hand on a pillow, watching tv.  I tried to get her to ice it, but she didn't want anything touching it.  We worried it might be broken, just because of how she was acting (similar to when Layla broke her wrist) but the nurse said that there's not much they can do but put a splint on it.  So a couple days later we got a splint and she was really happy to wave that thing around for all to see.  She is fine now, but it was quite an ordeal.  I felt so bad that I left her there for that long, not knowing it was my child in distress.

• Since that incident, Layla has asked me to put her owies (wherever they may be) on a pillow and lay on the couch with an ice pack.  It's the only thing that will help sometimes.
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• We had a great Easter last Sunday.  We had a fun BBQ and Easter egg hunt up the canyon with the Matthews', and then had dinner at Grandma and Granddad's the next day.  We did our own Easter egg hunt that morning, which was fun, and ended the day with our Resurrection egg lesson.  It was a nice weekend.

•  I really love getting my girls Easter dresses, and my boy and Easter tie.  This year I bought Ellery's dress about a month early, and was having a hard time finding anything for Layla.  Then at a last attempt at Target, I found that little gem.  They coordinated perfectly and the girls looked so cute in them.  McKay wanted a pink tie, and Brian went with him to pick one out.  He decided on pink and gray plaid.  

• McKay climbs this tree in Grandma and Granddad's backyard and he gets so high that I can't even watch.  I love it and hate it at the same time.

Happy Sunday from my happy family.