firsts

I remember disliking the first day of school for as long as I can remember.  Even into college, the beginning of a new semester would nearly always produce an overwhelming and just bad day.  It took some time to adjust to a new teacher, new students, new assignments, new ways of doing things. Eventually it became normal...and great, even.

This back-to-school season, as I sent all three of my babies off to school, I felt the same old feelings that I used to feel.  This is hard.  This does not feel good.  I waited and waited for those feelings to adjust into a comfortable sense of normalcy.  It took a long time.  I've pondered why this was, and realized that this year's firsts are probably no different than what next year's will feel like.  And the year after that.  And the year after that.  And you can see how this is going to go.

Sometimes I write things here that I hope to learn.  I may present them in a way that suggests that I have already learned it, but that's not always the case.  Sometimes I write things like "I have decided to stop longing for my children to stay little and feeling depressed when they hit milestones that remind me that they're growing up, and instead, enjoy life right NOW.  Enjoy these moments and don't look back."  See- something like that I would write in hopes that me declaring it here will somehow help me to really change to that way of thinking.  Because guess what?  That is not how I feel at all.  I do feel kind of depressed when they hit milestones.  I enjoy them, yes, but that depression is right there, fighting with that joy in hopes of overpowering it.  Thus, the back-to-school depression this year.  It was real.  It was hard.  But in the end, joy stuck it out and I'm okay.  We're all doing good and adjusted now.

Below are my feelings of why this back-to-school season rocked me for a couple months.


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McKay is in 3rd grade.  How does that even happen?  McKay is nine and he's in 3rd grade.  This fact hits me hard every so often.  My first child is growing up.  There's no stopping any of them from doing so, but when that first one meets these milestones and gets older every. single. year, it's a little bit terrifying, although very exciting.  McKay has Mrs. Wilson this year.  He somehow still insists that his second grade teacher was the BEST teacher in the whole world, so I sense a little hesitation in him this year.  Last year will be hard to beat, and I can tell he is feeling that.  

Ellery went to 1st grade.  This means she's gone all day.  Gone are the days of her and Layla pushing strollers around the neighborhood.  Playing all day, every day is no more.  It's over.  It's gone and it's never going to be the same.  Sending Ellery to school all day has been the hardest adjustment for me.  I  miss her and I miss the time that she and Layla used to spend together.  Of course they still play, but Ellery is now a part of that relentless school schedule, so it's just different.  What makes this bearable to me is how much she loves school.  Her teacher, her classmates, her attitude- they are all just perfect for Elle.  She's happy and thriving and I knew from the beginning this was going to be a very good year for my girl.

Layla.  Oh Layla, Layla, Layla.  My four year old baby went to preschool for the first time.  My constant side-kick and partner from morning until night left for preschool.  

This was actually not as hard as I thought it would be...for me.  I felt she was ready and I knew she needed to socialize and learn to play with all kinds of kids.  I also knew that she would love to have something of her own.  Those are all the things I love most about preschool.  It gives these little ones something to be excited about and proud of.  It gives them experience listening to a teacher and learning to follow directions.  I love most of all that they learn social skills, and the value of the playtime they have is so important.

So I knew why it was a great idea for her to go to preschool, but she didn't quite see it the same way.  She missed me.  It was hard for her to leave her mom and go off into the big world of her little preschool.  She marched off with a smile that first day, but she cried every morning before school after that.  She then started crying the night before.  It was awful.  I would carry her into school, crying and so upset, and just leave her there.  Her teacher promised me that her crying only lasted for three minutes once I left- and every day when I picked her up she was as happy as can be.  It was confusing and I didn't know what to do.

Add to that, the fact that for the first time in nine years- I was alone.  I had seven and a half hours a week with no one in the house but me.  Many mothers can't wait for this day to come, but not me.  It came way too soon for me and I started having a bit of anxiety thinking about how those hours are just going to continue to increase as these next few years go by.  It scared me and made me sad.  That's why when Layla would cry, I knew just how she felt.  I had a few crying spells myself.  

We missed each other.    

I am happy to report that today- on October 14, 2014- we are now all adjusted and happy.  Layla loves school- so much- just like I knew she would.  And I am finding lots of ways to fill my time when she's gone- it goes by quite fast actually.  I will say that on Wednesdays she has playgroup and is gone from nine until one and on those days I can't pick her up soon enough.  Baby steps.

I'm glad we made it through another August.  And I'm glad I have ten months until I have to do this all over again.

it's what fun is

I have wanted to take our kids to Lagoon for a couple years now, and this summer we finally did it.  It was pricey...I didn't even want Brian to tell me how much it cost to get us all in, but after all was said and done it was worth every penny to me.  

We had the most amazing, wonderful day at Lagoon- just our little family.  We have had bad experiences in the past with amusement parks...I won't name any names.  So we were a little worried about how the rides at Lagoon would go over.

We were amazed that everyone seemed to be over many of their previous fears, and Brian and I were better equipped to handle any remaining fears that lingered.  I think maybe we learned how to be better parents at amusement parks- finally.  One of my darkest moments as a mother happened at the happiest place on earth...in the depths of Space Mountain- I still feel guilty about it.  So for us to actually handle this experience a million times better was a huge accomplishment!

But back to the kids.  The kids were fantastic.  They were up for almost every ride...but the best part was that if they weren't, they were honest about it and didn't waffle back and forth about the decision. That made all the difference.  

I was pleasantly surprised at how many bigger rides Layla could ride at Lagoon.  And another thing was they had a lot of in-between rides- meaning they weren't kiddie rides, but weren't the big crazy rides either.  

The rides were great, but what I loved most was being together all day, having fun, getting along and doing something out of the ordinary.  It really was the most pleasant day in every way possible.  I love my little crew so much.

september photos

I don't remember how it started, but I do know that they played "Human Ringtoss" for half an hour straight.  It was so funny and they had such a good time.

Chalking is one of her favorite things.  She worked really hard on all those flowers.  It was hard to choose a favorite when she asked.

Utah State Fair:

Somehow,  lately whenever we decide to go and do something outdoors, it seems to always rain.  The fair was no exception.  Luckily it wasn't too wet and we could still enjoy it.   

Grandma, Grandad, Marilyn and Cayden were able to join us for a while before they rocked out to The Beach Boys.

We saw a dog show, the butter sculpture, rode a ride, checked out the animals, made leather keychains and Brian had to hold me back from paying to see the GIANT rat.  

The best part of the fair is the big yellow slide!  

These two put in a lot of miles in the mountains.

We went to Chalk the Block down at the Riverwoods.  

Elle fell in love with this kitten at one of McKay's soccer games.  She took this picture.

I don't have a lot of great pictures of McKay playing soccer.  I enjoy his games so much.  He plays so hard and it's so fun to watch.  

Elle's first game of soccer ever!

I think she's learning a lot.  I felt strongly that she needed the experience, even though her heart is in dance/gym.  She could surprise us and get really into it next season.  

This poem McKay wrote for school makes me smile.  He sure is a soccer player and a candy lover.

Do we go to Old Navy so often that Layla thinks this girl is her friend?  I don't know, but she wanted a picture with her.

Trick.

My two loves walking to school hand in hand.  Sweetness.

Layla's preschool playgroup.  Ben Sautter, Traverz Roberts and Anna Leifson.  They really like nachos for lunch.

My girls and the capes I made for them.

As a young women's group we had an activity where we walked to the temple.  It was a long walk, but such a pretty night and a good experience for the girls.

Layla loves listening to music or books on the cd player.  I forget about pulling it out sometimes, but she loves to control the music and switch it around on her own.

Elle's first grade class t-shirt!  I love that they do this at our school.  So cute!

We took a reeeeeally long drive one Sunday afternoon.  Once we were up on the dirt road in the mountains, we rolled down the windows and an impromptu competition of who could grab a leaf off a tree first happened.  

The view was amazing and the kids had fun running around and even finding some bones.  Ellery wore those glasses the whole time.  We were dusty by the end and I had to basically wipe down every inch of Rachel the next day, but it was worth it.  A fun family Sunday drive- one of my favorite things!

temple open house

We went up to the Ogden Temple Open House in September.  I had been with my young women, but I wanted my kids to see the inside of the temple.  They are young, but I hope they remember it.

Two of my favorite men.

Of course he was kidding, but of course I love it.

Cute cousins.

My girl.  Love her.

august photos

August started with Brian deep in preparation for his epic trip to Alaska with his dad and brothers.  More on that later, but I will say that getting all his gear out and packing it just so brings this man a lot of joy.  It's actually kind of fun to witness.

Just my shopping buddy.  

McKay picked out some indoor soccer shoes for school this year.  Yes, this is him sleeping with them.  He kind of likes them.  

Elle trying the new curlers we got.  She was a trooper to sleep in those.  I remember being so uncomfortable sleeping in foam curlers when I was little.  I don't know if these are better or worse, but she didn't complain much.  We think she looks like one of Layla's lalaloopsey dolls.

We took the Beehives to the Ogden Temple open house.  I heard a lot more about 8th grade boys at PG Jr. than I cared to.  

Late in the spring we planted wild flower seed.  This is a spot where we removed an Aspen and Brian did his Edward Scissor hands thing with the existing ground cover and bushes.  So we saw the seeds at Home Depot and decided to give it a try, since we had an empty space.  We really don't know what we're doing when it comes to planting things.  We're good at ripping things out.  But our wild flowers grew and grew and have been SO fun to have.  The girls love to go out and pick bouquets, and these maintenance free flowers are so pretty.   

This was the first morning that Layla and I were alone- with McKay and Ellery being in school all day now.  It was rainy, and the kids had collected a bunch of snails before school.  I sat on the rocking chair behind Layla, watching her as she lined up the snails in different ways, and tears came to my eyes.  Change is hard.  School has started.  They are one year older.

On a much happier note, Ellery started dance at Dance Showcase.  After class on her first day, the teacher pulled me aside and said that because of too many dancers in the current class, she was looking for a student to move up to the older class.  She said she was watching for the best dancer, and Ellery was it!  So we moved her to the second grade class.  She is amazing.  I marvel at her natural abilities when it comes to dance.  She can do splits every which way, even standing up.  She has graceful kicks and leaps and learns really fast.  She does not get this talent from me.

My friend (and old Beaverton neighbor) Cathy and her little girl Rilynne, came to visit us.  It was so fun to see them and spend the afternoon talking and catching up.  

Early this summer I removed all the buds from our peach tree when they were tiny little balls, but somehow I missed one.  I didn't notice it until it had grown a little bit, and I decided to let it grow.  So our baby peach tree had one baby peach.  Except it was a big, beautiful peach!  I was so proud and happy about this peach and so paranoid that Layla was going to pick it prematurely and take one bite, and my precious peach would be tossed on the ground to spoil.  Luckily, that didn't happen, and by mid August she was ready.  I washed that beautiful peach, sliced it and placed it in a sunburst pattern on a plate- it was the highlight of our dinner and we all got two slices.  It was delicious!  I can't wait for more peaches.

One morning Layla accidently stepped on the hot flat iron.  All plans had to be cancelled because she could not go two minutes without her foot being submerged in water.  It wasn't a terrible burn, but you know how much even little ones can hurt.  I actually did have to go to the store to get a birthday gift for Ellery's friend and she cried the entire time...even with an ice pack on her toes.  It was terrible for her.

This year we were all set to make salsa all on our own...but then Adele had nothing going on and she came over to help us.  I am so glad she did!  It was much better with an expert in the kitchen.  We made two batches and are all set for winter.

We went to the land.  It's obvious that McKay was excited about this.

This picture is pretty much a favorite right now.

While at the land we all went on a long ride.

Brian got called in to work the night before Layla's birthday.  I guess you could say I was lonely and didn't want to decorate her cake by myself, so I got these two out of bed to help me (they weren't asleep).  They loved sneaking out of bed to do something so fun.  And I actually needed their help to search high and low for all the Frozen characters scattered around the house.  The cake turned out great, thanks to my little helpers.

I took Layla to the new Children's museum at Thanksgiving Point on her birthday.  We went with Jana and her kids.  It was really fun- she loved it.  We didn't even get close to exploring all there was to see and do.  

My girls in their homemade nightgowns from Grandma.