from the cleaning lady

One of the biggest struggles I've had since moving into our new house has been keeping it clean.  Our toilets are often growing things, and most days I am disgusted by the amount that I sweep off our kitchen floor. . .that is, the days that I sweep it.

You see, this house is close to three times bigger than our last house.  It's not a huge house, we just came from a small one.  So now instead of two and a half baths to clean, I have four.  And now I have a two car garage floor to keep clear of our shoe explosion and piles of "stuff" that accumulates.  And instead of a six by ten space of tile floor to clean, I have a sprawling, shiny, show-every-speck wood floor that covers over half of the main floor.

Wait.  Before you start thinking I'm complaining about such a horrible problem as a bigger house, let me tell you why I've been struggling with it.  But first, let me just get it out in the open that I love my house.  I am so grateful for all this space.  I have dreamt of this house for many years and I am very happy to be here.  The reason why it's been so hard for me is because I feel like I have been swallowed up in keeping a house clean.  Sometimes I feel like my job- what I do for a living- is cleaning a house.

I know that isn't my job.  I know I have a far more important job to do every second of every day.  But that is not as tangible as house cleaning.  I have just felt lost in my responsibilities of making a home. . .you know, being a homemaker.  I have been struggling with this pretty much all summer.  I feel like I'm never on top of it.  No matter how hard or fast or good I clean something, it will just have to be done again.  Over and over again.  I have never been one to hate cleaning.  If I have the time for it, I enjoy it.  There is nothing I like better than living in a clean house.  But the mundane, tired, repetitious tasks that I have as the mother of this home have been bringing me down.

As I'm writing this I am feeling a little embarrassed that keeping up with housework has become such a big deal to me.  Like, I'm writing a whole post on my blog about it. . . I also realize that this whole cleaning thing could just be something to signify how I'm feeling in general.  I can't imagine I'm the only woman in the world who feels like scrubbing a bathtub, wiping a bum, and making peanut butter and jelly are not tasks that make me feel fulfilled all the time.

Anyway, I've talked with Brian about my woes.  I've prayed about them.  I've thought a lot about what is wrong with me.  And I've come to a conclusion.  It's my attitude.

It's been a long time since I've written something that's not about what we did or thoughts on my kids.  Writing feels so good to me and I haven't had much inspiration lately.  For a long time really.  But maybe that needs to change.  If it's something that gives me a voice all by myself- not as mom, or wife or cleaning lady- but as Sarah, then maybe I should be doing it more.  And maybe if I do, the inspiration will start flowing again.

Here's to hoping I can change my attitude about cleaning, and start writing- really writing- more.