smother mother has twins

It's been a good couple months since Ellery has mentioned the babies in her tummy.  They must be going through a growth spurt though, because lately I am getting all sorts of information regarding the babies.

There is a girl named Evelyn and a boy named Hummus.

Evelyn's birthday is October 18th, like Ellery.  Hummus will be born in July.

Evelyn is going to be a princess for Halloween.  Hummus will be a tiger.

Evelyn really likes carrots.  Hummus does not.

They both like chips.

I want to warn these twins though.  Because the way Ellery smothers/kisses/lays on my baby, they really might not make it very far.  They might want to stay inside permanently.

thoughts on a sunday

• Jana and Carson are here visiting!  Carson is the cutest little boy and I love getting to know him.  And how can I not love having my best friend/sister hanging out with me all day every day?!  I absolutely love it!  We are hardly doing anything, but even just doing nothing with her is fun.

• So one of the effects of having scarlet fever is having the skin on your hands and feet peel off.  Several weeks ago my hands finished peeling.  It was so frustrating and gross.  My hands felt like sandpaper and Brian refused to hold them.  I didn't think my feet were going to, but a couple weeks ago they started peeling too.  This is totally gross, but also kind of one of the funnest things that's happened to me.  I enjoy peeling the skin off the bottoms of my feet.  Yes, that's disgusting, but it doesn't change the fact that I really enjoy it.  That's all.

• Speaking of feet, I should note that Layla has an imperfection.  Her second toe is longer than her big toe.  She gets this from Brian.  Her feet are still cute.  

• I know you may not want to admit it, but is anyone else watching Sister Wives?  I can't look away.

• Ellery.  My sweet, feminine little miss.  She's driving me about crazy.  You see, she is pretty much obsessed with kissing Layla on the face.  She wants to do it all the time.  And at the most inconvenient times.  And she takes about two whole minutes to do it.  And if I try to rush her and she doesn't plant a good one, she'll have to do it again.

• Today was my second Sunday at church since Layla was born.  I was very happy for the chance to go.  Ellery, on the other hand, was not.  Since Layla was born, Ellery has gone a little inactive. . .or she'd like to be.  She was not at all happy when I put her in the car, and even less happy that McKay got to stay home and watch a movie because he was sick.  But once we got there and sat right in front of her little friend Kenzi the princess figurines came out and the two girls played like they were on a playdate. After that, it wasn't hard to get her to go to nursery. . .although the princesses had to go along too.  She did great and I hope that the good memories from this week carry over for the next.

• In relief society today we discussed knowing, living and defending the Proclamation to the World.  This brought up some really great discussions, as well as some pretty intense/uncomfortable discussions.  One thing that I did enjoy talking about was the term "just a mom".  I've said this before about my job.  I've downplayed the importance and honor that motherhood entails.  And I made a resolve today to not do say that anymore.  Maybe I'm not as educated as some and I certainly don't have a glamorous career, but I'm not just a mom.  I am a mom and I know that there is great value in what I'm doing.  It may not be glamorous but it is certainly important.

• One last thought on church.  A guy in our ward bore his testimony today.  He was so emotional that he couldn't even talk- very unlike this guy.  He talked about how one of his brand new sons has to have heart surgery.  He talked about how the Savior is aware of each of us and each of our struggles.  This touched me on two levels.  First, yes!  It's true.  He is aware of each of us and aware of our needs and our struggles.  That's always a good reminder, as simple as it may be.  And second, it just hit me that everyone has struggles.  Sometimes I can feel sorry for myself especially with what I've had to go through lately and it can seem that my trials are the only ones out there. . .like everyone else is fine while I'm dealing with really hard stuff.  Hearing the news about this new little baby in our ward reminded me that everyone is dealing with something.  It's just that most of the time we're not aware of other people's struggles.  It makes me want to reach out more and really reminded me of the importance of service.  When we moved here a year ago I had a distinct impression that my happiness would be directly related to my service towards others.  I'm sad to say that I haven't done as good of a job as I would have liked to do.  Going to do better.

• Can you tell it was a good day at church for me?  So sorry if that was all really boring. :)

• Okay, having a hard time transitioning out of church mode.  How about a vomit story?  The other night we checked on Ellery before we went to bed and to my complete surprise I found her sleeping in a pile of her own throw-up.  She was SLEEPING!  And it was a lot too.  How?  We clearly had to give her a bath because it was dangling throughout her hair and when we woke her up she denied that she had done it.  She didn't know how it got there, but she sure knew it wasn't hers!

• If you want to imagine me riding a bike, leading a group of eight cub scouts down a path for one mile, then go ahead.  But make sure you imagine one of the rotten cubs taunting me, yelling, "My grandma can ride faster than this!"  

• I've been testing little Layla by sneaking some dairy in my diet.  Mostly a little bit of cheese and some yogurt.  No screaming yet, so that's good.  She seems to be tolerating it fairly well.  Yay!

• Um, Layla does not tolerate pizza.  Learned that the hard way last night.  Poor girl.

• Since Layla was born I have had a totally bizarre craving for rootbeer.  I am not a soda drinker at all, but man oh man I might just be turning into one.  Rootbeer of all things?  I don't get it.  But Jana said that she had the same craving after her baby was born too.  The best treat I can think of that doesn't have chocolate, which is forbidden by Layla:  a rootbeer slurpee!  Mmmmmm.

• Layla is definitely filling out and the rolls are comin'!  I may have small babies, but I sure know how to get them big fast.  Her eyelashes are starting to come out too.  And the baby acne is still looking real nice on her torso.  She is adorable.

• So I decided that having a private blog is totally annoying.  I hate having to sign in all the time.  Sorry to be so annoying.

Happy Sunday!

and so it starts

First day of  preschool ~ year two 

So, here's the thing.  McKay started preschool again.  We decided not to send him to kindergarten since his birthday was so close to the deadline.  Not because he wasn't ready for kindergarten.  (It's a huge pet peeve of mine when I tell people we kept him back and they say, "Oh, my kid is just so ready for kindergarten."  Mine is too.  He'd do absolutely fine in kindergarten, I have no doubt.  But we're thinking long term here, not just about right now.)  Sorry, tangent.  Anyway, last year he was the youngest in his class.  

This year.  This year he's the oldest.

Oh what a difference.  This year McKay finds himself in the middle of an odd love triangle.

Anna and Laura.  Twins.  

McKay tells me that Laura is the best singer he's ever heard.  She's just so good.

Anna, has light brown hair and that's pretty much all I know about her.

Last week he came home from school with a guilty conscience.  I never have to worry about McKay keeping things from me because his conscience completely rules his mind.  He didn't want to tell me what happened, but of course he did.

He kissed Laura at recess.  On the lips.  She wanted him to.  Afterwards, she said, "Kiss me again.  Kiss me again!"  He didn't, just the one time.  

Anna was jealous.  Back inside the classroom she told McKay that she wouldn't find any more treasures with him unless he kissed her too.  Anna is really good at finding treasures around the school.  He opted to kiss her on the cheek.  

Ummm. . .

It might be a looong year.

thoughts on a sunday

• We not only got to watch conference, but we had a beautiful ballerina accompany each MoTab song with a lovely dance.  Yesterday, every time the music would start, Ellery would stop whatever she was doing and run to the front of the tv and twirl away.  "When is the music-prophet going to sing?"  Oh what a funny girl I have.

• We sure enjoyed watching conference.  Always uplifting.  Our kids were actually really good this year and we got to hear a lot more than we usually do.  

• McKay has picked up a few new phrases.  Everyone is "dude," especially Brian and "what the?" is being said about as frequently.

• Listen, don't be jealous that H&M is coming to Portland, just come up and visit.  We'll go!

• Several weeks ago Brian let the kids watch a Tom & Jerry cartoon.  For awhile they requested it quite often.  Then one day Brian and I decided that we hate Tom & Jerry and it might not be the best thing to let our kids watch two guys try to kill each other repeatedly.  We put a ban on Tom & Jerry and of course since then it's all the kids want to watch.  

• I know I'm always talking about how cute it is that Ellery mispronounces things and how the things she says are completely adorable.  But if your kid was saying "Winnie ba pooh" thinking that was totally how you say it, you might think it's completely adorable too.  

• Last night A Few Good Men was on and I watched the tail end of it.  I've known this for a long time now, but seeing Tom again last night reminded me.  My dad totaly reminds me of Tom Cruise. . .but before he got weird.  The good Tom Cruise.  Anyone?  Anyone?

• This week we went on a family lunch date to Ruby Tuesday.  We sat outside on the patio, overlooking a big pond with fountains throughout.  It was a perfect afternoon, even though my veggie burger was just so-so.  We don't go on dates anymore, just the two of us.  I can't even remember the last time we did that.  

• Brian and I have found ourselves in a pretty fierce competition over fruit ninja- a game on his phone.  The thing about Brian is he can't stand it when I'm better at it then he is.  I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be able to sleep at night if he didn't immediately top my high score every time. 

• Good for me, I cleaned the house last night!  It's been awhile since I did that.  Brian was off at a school thing (aka: party) and I decided that I wanted to watch conference in a clean house.  I'm starting to be able to do things again.  Now I just need to put some good mental vibes into dinner preparation.  I'm scared.

• Brian started school this week.  And I'm afraid it's going to be a rough semester.  He has clinicals at OHSU this semester, which is very different than where he came from.  I know he'll do great, but I also know that he's in for some stressful days.  I just can't even describe the amount of pressure, intimidation and stress that these clinicals cause for CRNA students.  It's pretty crazy.  And that's pretty much all he has until he graduates next December.  Just going from one clinical site to another for a year and a half.  Yeah, the next year and a half are going to be rough.

• On a happier note, Brian is now a senior!  Hooray!  We can do it, we can do it!

• I totally love Layla because she's only had like three blowouts in her whole month long life.  

• On Tuesdays Brian and I meet in the parking lot of the church at seven.  We switch cars, and I take the kids home as he then goes to do his scout thing. The other night as I was taking a car full of cub scouts home, Layla began screaming.  Like, really screaming.  The poor boys didn't know what to do.  The one who was sitting in the front was physically unable to stay still due to his distress over the crying.  He was almost writhing in his seat.  I'm pretty sure they were all completely traumatized.

• I grew up in a family of all girls.  It's no surprise then (although slightly embarrassing), that we used the word "fluffy" for passing gas.  Of course I went through a phase in my youth where I would say anything but fluffy- of course!  My mom would have died had she hear the real word come out of my mouth.  Now that I have my own family we just go with "fluff".  I take great pride that I converted Brian.  I also take great pride that my kids have no idea that fluffs are funny.  When it happens they just say "excuse me" and go about their business.  It's nothing to laugh about and they have no idea about the potty humor they're missing out on.  They didn't even know about the f word.  I knew it was just a matter of time before this changed.  Before McKay heard it said by someone else and found out what it was.  That's why when he came running into the house in the middle of playing with the neighbor kids and said with a pride I have never before heard in that little voice, "I just have one thing to say to you guys:  farted."  I could only laugh.      

Happy Sunday!

about my layla

There's a lot to say about our new little girl.  Let me fill you in.

• She looks exactly like Brian.  Exactly!  I sometimes look at her and I cannot believe the resemblance between her and his baby pictures.  I would say out of my kids, she more resembles McKay over Elle, but she seems to have a different look altogether.  When I first saw her I thought she looked just like Ellery.  It's funny how they can look like everyone and it's always changing.  Nobody looks like me though.  

• For someone who looks so much like her daddy, she sure is stingy with her snuggles with him.  She likes me.  She likes when I hold her.  Brian will be holding her and she'll be screaming and then he'll simply place her in my arms and she is content.  It drives him crazy.  Lets just say they are still developing their relationship.

• She's got a sensitive tummy.  She seems to not tolerate any dairy, chocolate or spicy food well at all.  This means I'm on a diet.  This means that a vegetarian just knocked out two other food groups: dairy and chocolate.  Isn't chocolate it's own group?  When I was still eating these things she would scream and scream and there was nothing we could do to comfort her.  I did this with McKay too, and it took four months for him to outgrow it.  Needless to say, mama's hungry!

• She is most definitely my cutest newborn.  I am not blinded by love.  My kids look squishy and blotchy when they first arrive.  It takes awhile to see their cuteness.  Of course, they are cute to me, but I get that they aren't going to win any contests.  After all, when McKay was born it was I, his loving mother, who pin-pointed his resemblance to Gohlum.  Anyway, Layla was less squishy, and less blotchy upon arrival.  She was very cute. 

• Don't let her looks fool you.  She is a stubborn little thing.  I saw this from the beginning.  If she's left crying for even just a minute she will begin screaming so loud that she turns purple.  She did this when she was two days old and is still doing it now.  And she's got these angry little eyes that she pulls.  

• She can already hold her weight on her legs and could from the very beginning.  She is strong and will stand if you hold her up.  I can't believe such a little thing can be so strong.

See?  Angry eyes.

• When she was first born she was so tiny that the newborn diapers slid right off her.  She was drowning in them.  And just after three and a half weeks, she moved into size one!  She's growing like a champ and I'm sure she'll be a little chub in no time. 

• She is so alert.  She loves looking at her mobile, her brother and sister, and the paintings that we have on the wall.  

• Besides crying, she is pretty quiet.  She hasn't cooed much at all yet.  She cries and grunts and that's about all we get from her. 

• When we discussed the name Layla during my pregnancy we recognized that there weren't really any nicknames for it.  Oh, not true!  You're looking at little Layes.  It just happened.  I didn't really want it to happen, but it did.  I also didn't really want Laysie to happen either, but oh boy, that one did too.  Not to be confused with lazy, although I'm sure it will be.  I think she's cool enough to pull them off, don't you?    

• So far, she doesn't like her bed.  She'd much prefer to take advantage of her poor exhausted mother in the middle of the night and sleep in bed with her.  She will be dead asleep and we'll place her in her crib as gentle as can be and she perks right up and starts squirming around. . .then turning purple.

• She's still spending most of her time sleeping, but we do get a few good hours in the late afternoon where she is awake and alert.  

• It's so fun to have a newborn in the house.  My other kids just adore her and of course she already has Brian wrapped around her little finger- the girls tend to do that to him pretty early on.  It's also been hard to have a newborn again.  Much more challenging with two other kids to take care of.  I feel like I"m always feeding someone or wiping someone's bum.  I'm so glad that Layla is mellowing out and I'm sure I am too.  

 Oh, I love this little girl so much.

thoughts on a sunday

We had a nice little walk with our girls while Mack was at school.    

• Would you believe it if I told you I have strep throat. . .again?  Yep.  Went to immediate care yesterday because my throat was pretty much killing me slowly with each swallow and sure enough the swab was positive.  When did I become such a sickly lady?  Strep is the worst.  By the middle of the afternoon I thought I was going to die.  I went to bed at eight and slept until seven.  Feeling much better today though. . .thank goodness for antibiotics. 

• I probably don't really even need to note the guilt I feel that Brian has had to nurse me back to health for most of his month off.  But I do.  Feel guilty.

• One fun thing we did do this month was read The Hunger Games trilogy.   My sweet sister sent us the set and they pretty much took over our spare time.  I never re-read books, but I'm slightly tempted with these.  Mockingjay totally got into my head.  Every so often a book will do that to me.  It was pretty much all I could think about until I finished it. . .and several days after.    

• I haven't said much about Layla other than she's sweet.  And guess what?  I wasn't being entirely honest.  She is sweet. . .but. . .she has been my most difficult baby by far.  And I guess part of that is the circumstances surrounding her birth.  But she's also a little fuss-bucket.  Mostly due to tummy aches, and maybe a little reflux, we think.  She's also a naughty little sleeper.  She likes to keep me up for up to two hours for her late night feedings.  It's not fun.  We are slowing getting better the older she gets.  Actually, the last few nights have been so much better because we started to put her to sleep in her car seat.  

• But.  Good news!  She's one month old.  And for some reason we both needed a good month to get this bonding thing down.  We're there.  Totally there.  I'm so glad.  I was getting worried that the only word that came to mind when thinking of my new baby was mean.  Now when I say she's sweet I mean it 100%.    

• As I'm sitting here, I can hear McKay and Ellery trying to go to sleep.  Trying is the wrong word.  I can hear them not going to sleep at all.  I did hear McKay yell down that Ellery said "sexy" and Ellery repeatedly yelling "We're NOT talking!"

• I can't get too mad because those two have been SO good this last month.  We had a little trouble at the beginning, but it only lasted a week or so and then they became even better than they were before the baby came.  They help me with Layla- getting me diapers, showing her toys, finding her binky.  They also have begun to play together like best little friends.  This has been such a blessing.  They are making major messes everyday in their room, but the time they spend playing is totally worth it.  What is so wonderful about this is that usually McKay needs to be guided in his play.  He needs someone to give him ideas of what to play, and usually does best with an adult playing with him (yes, it's been exhausting his whole life!).  I don't know if Elle is finally old enough to fill that role for him, but they play on their own with no directions from me.  It's wonderful.  Ellery is a fantastic little player and can play by herself like I've never seen before.  Hallelujah!

• Yesterday we went to a pirate festival at the apple orchard by our house.  The kids got to touch a snake and a tortoise, play carnival games, go on a tractor ride and get prizes.  Ellery got a little barbie mermaid.  She could have gone home right then.  Lucky little girl.

• The other day we were getting in the car and as I was buckling Ellery in she said, "Layla's stupid."  Then, of course, looked at me to see my reaction.  I reacted, and told her it was not nice to say that and that it hurt Layla's feelings.  She then looked me right in the eyes and said in a sassy little voice, "Layla's butt."  Why is my little girl using words like sexy and butt?  Because she knows they're naughty, I guess.

• This week we went to the Adidas corporate store.  OHSU's CRNA students got a discount of 50% off and we decided to check it out.  We all came away with a new little something. . .shoes for the kids, running gear for Brian and a sweatshirt for me.  

• McKay's shoes have laces.  When we got home Brian decided it was time to teach him how to tie them.  They worked on it for quite awhile and I must note the amount of patience this took for both of them.  And now?  We have a stylin' little five year old who can tie his own shoes.  We are kind of really proud.

• Brian learned how to tie his shoes the wrong way.  Well, I think it's the wrong way.  He does two loops and ties them together.  He decided to teach McKay the correct way and looked it up online.  

• Since this was our last week with Brian home all week, we decided to do some fun things.  We went to Big Al's for bowling and games.  Ellery thinks it's called Big Owl's.  I think that's cute.  They enjoyed bowling, but had so much fun playing the games and picking out prizes with the tickets they won.  

• Another fun thing we did was go to Voo Doo Donuts.  Ellery thinks it's called Doo Doo Donuts.  It's really cute when she says, "Should we go to doo-doo donuts?"  She's been saying it a lot lately.  I personally always think donuts are a good idea.  The kids like the bubblegum donut.  I got the voo doo donut and was about to take a bite when Brian reminded me that I can't eat chocolate.  Thanks Layla.  

• Last week our neighbors asked us to cat-sit their kitty.  My kids were so overly excited about this.  After the first few visits with Annie they lost interest in the kitty and just wanted to play with the neighbor's toys.  This confirmed that we are not ready for pets.

• Layla has baby acne.  She's still totally cute.

• Since Layla was born little miss Elle has been having a hard time going to nursery.  It's like she's 18 months old all over again.  Today she protested (meaning cried) before they even left the house, and since I was home sick it was quite convenient for Brian to suggest she stay home with me.   

• I'm kind of really annoyed at the lighting in my house.  In Oregon they don't know how to do overhead lighting very well.  Most family rooms and master bedrooms don't have overhead lighting.  So it's all up to lamps.  Our family room doesn't have any direct windows either.  Add all the overcast days to that and needless to say the room is quite dark.  So that makes taking pictures really annoying.  I feel like I don't have any good pictures of Layla.  It's stressing me out.  

• McKay is back in school.  I'm glad to have a little routine again to our weeks.  This year he's goes in the morning and so far it's working out well.  We'll see how it goes once Brian is out of the picture.  It could be a little crazy for me!

• Brian starts school on Wednesday, and then next week will have three clinicals a week in addition to that.  I don't know what I would have done without him this last month.  He has done everything.  He's pretty much spent all his time off taking care of us and being Mr. Mom around here.  I've made dinner like once in the last month. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful husband.  I am really going to miss him now that normal life is starting again.

• But, there is something to say about moving forward.  It's good to move forward.  So it's not all bad that our "vacation" month is ending.  

• There are so many more thoughts that I've had that have slipped through the cracks.  I'm trying to catch up on all the things that have been going on so hopefully many posts to come.  It's just that Layla's fussy time also happens to be my blogging time.  Priorities.

• Also, I'm still planning on making my blog private this week, so if you haven't left your email address yet, do it!  

Happy Sunday!

he's five

I can't believe he's five years old.  Five.  Wasn't it just yesterday that my first little baby was put in my arms?  I remember being shocked that he came two and a half weeks early- I was fully expecting to go late- and so as I laid there in the hospital bed, waiting for him to come, I cried, thinking, "I'm not ready for him yet.  What will I do with him once he's here?"

Now I can't even imagine life if he wasn't here.  I am so blessed to be this boy's momma.  I couldn't ask for a sweeter kid.  He has a sensitivity and kindness that cannot be taught.  He just is.  He is so good to his sister.  Perhaps it won't always be like this, but for now his little sisters will not know the meaning of the term "mean older brother".  He is a protector.  A teacher to them.  A friend.  Goodness I love him.

This year, his birthday was two days after Layla's.  I was pretty much out of it.  Layla was starving and was not getting enough food.  I was about to succumb to the woes of scarlet fever.  I was scared that I might have MS.  I had just delivered a baby.  Yeah, I was completely out of it.  Useless, really.

Thankfully my sweet mother-in-law and Brian took care of everything.  I had planned a small birthday party earlier that week.  A few friends and Chuck E. Cheese.  I needed something easy, and for some reason a party at Chuck E. Cheese is about as good as it gets for my kids, so it was a win/win.  They had a blast playing the games, riding the rides and picking out prizes.  I don't think McKay even noticed my absence.  It was a perfect day for him.  

David, Jaxon, Talan, McKay


It seems that there is always a lot of drama surrounding this boy's birthday.  When he was three Ellery had a seizure the day before his birthday which made his Lion King party a little tricky to pull off.  The next year we were living in complete disarray as we were about to move to Oregon just days after his birthday.  And this year, well, you know.  The great thing is that he hasn't noticed.  He is as happy with Chuckie as he would be if I had spent hours and hours on a party at home.
And that's just how he is- happy.  

birthday interview

I've decided to do a birthday interview every year on my kids birthdays.  

Same questions every year.

I'll be interested to see if McKay always likes to wear fancy clothes, or if that's just a five year old thing.  

McKay's Birthday Interview ~ Five

• What are some things you like to do?  Play outside, go to the zoo, go to Disneyland and Chuck E. Cheese
• What sports do you like?  Soccer, football.  And my other favorite sport is baseball.  And basketball.  And I like running.
• What things do you like to do around the house?  Play games with my family.  Play with animals.
• What are some of your favorite foods?  Mac & cheese, fruits, not vegetables, ravioli, and candy.
• What are foods that you don't like?  Vegetables
• What do you like to wear?  Fancy clothes.
• What’s your favorite color?  Teal and blue.
• Where are some of your favorite places to go?  Disneyland, Chuck E. Cheese, parks.
• What things make you happy?  When people say I'm cute.  When I go to fun places.  My birthday and my remote control car.
• What makes you sad?  When people call me or my sister names and being sick makes me sad.   
• What do you do when you are sad?  Play with my mommy.
• What do you do when you are mad?  Make a really mean face.
• Who are your best friends?  Eto, Alyssa, Matty, Jaxon, and Tallan.
• What are your favorite movies or TV shows?  Cartoons, and Batman.  Berenstein Bears, Phineus and Ferb.
• What are your favorite books?  Superhero and transformer books.
• What is your favorite thing about school?  Recess.
• What do you want to be when you grow up?  A zoo keeper.
• Who is your hero?  Dad.
• If you were an animal, what one would you be?  A horse or a tiger.

Happy Birthday McKay!

why i've been gone

Brian has ordered me back to blogging.  I'm not totally feeling like it, but writing has always been my best form of therapy, so I'm sure it will be good for me.  Just to warn you, this is sure to be long and pretty emotional for me.  

I guess I should start by telling you the triple-whammy week I had.  Basically, in one week's time I was told I might have MS, delievered a baby two days later, which was quite painful, and then got scarlet fever three days after that.  One week.  It was horrible.  Really, really horrible.  Well, delivering Layla ended up being okay, but the rest was just awful. 

I don't love this picture at all. . .but this is minutes before we got the news.

So, here's the beginning:

To say that the last several weeks have been the craziest, hardest, scariest and most painful weeks of my life would about cover it.  Thank goodness we got such a beautiful reward out of all of the stuff we've been through.  Sweet little Layla.  Oh we love her.  Her timing?  Well, I know someday I'll look back on it and understand why she came when she did.  It was quite crazy.

I look back on my life three weeks ago and I feel like a different person.  On August 21st, in my 37th week of pregnancy, I went to the hospital because I had trouble talking.  That morning Ellery climbed in bed with Brian and I and we were snuggling for awhile.  Ellery was asking about burping the baby in my tummy and I was explaining what that meant.  I couldn't say the words that I was thinking.  I would try and try but they came out as non-words.  I thought I was having a stroke.  I tried to say, "Brian, am I having a stroke?" as panic started to set in, but instead of saying "stroke" I again said another nonsense word.  Finally, after several failed attempts, I just stopped talking altogether and after a few minutes my speech was back to normal.  Brian did some stroke tests on me, but was concerned enough that he encouraged me to call the on-call OB.  The OB wanted me to come in.  So to the hospital we went.  We were there all day.  After conferring with another OB, the ER doctor and a neurologist they thought that I should have an MRI to rule out stroke-like stuff that I don't know the name of.  

We waited all day for the MRI.  Really all day.  My kids were with my friend Starr, who had just had a baby two weeks before and I felt so guilty that we were taking so long.  I finally had the MRI, which was not a fun experience, and by this time it was about seven o'clock.  We had arrived at eleven.  Eight hours.  After the MRI they told us we had to wait for the neurologist to read the results.  By this time I was done waiting.  I was about to send Brian home to pick up the kids when the OB walked in the room.  Results.  Finally.  

"I have good news and bad news," said the OB.  I interpreted this as meaning they didn't see any signs of stroke (good news) but they don't know what caused the problems (bad news).  I was ready to hop out of bed and get dressed and get home, finally, when he said this next, "The results showed no signs of stroke, but, they did show several lesions on your brain that could be indicative of MS." 

Lesions that could indicate MS.  Mulitple Sclerosis.  As he said those words I could feel all the blood drain out of my body.  I tried so hard to not cry and was successful for a few minutes, and then I decided that I didn't care if the doctor saw me cry.  He looked around for a tissue to give me but could only come up with a scratchy paper towel.  I couldn't even look at Brian.  I had fully expected this to be nothing, just a precaution they were taking.  MS?  I had so many questions but at the same time couldn't really even formulate them to ask.  Plus, the OB was out of his element here.  He doesn't deal with MRI's and MS.  He didn't have a lot of answers.  

The doctors left the room, after giving me a sticky note with the neurologists name and phone number on it and instructions to call him on Monday.  Since I was still pregnant we couldn't do any of the tests needed to determine whether or not it was MS or just something unexplainable, which he said it could also be.  We were just given this potentially devastating news and all we could do was wait.  I stepped off the bed and fell into Brian's arms as our future swirled around in my head.  Visions of me in a wheelchair flooded my mind.  Or me not being able to use my hands.  Or me not being able to talk, like that morning.  I thought of my kids.  How I might not be able to be the mother that I am now to them.  How I might not be able to be the mother I had someday hoped to be.  How Brian might have to take care of me.   Somehow I managed to get dressed. My desire to leave the hospital and pick up my kids was now stronger than it had been all day.

As we were walking out of the hospital I still couldn't control my tears.  A kind nurse asked if I was okay as we walked across the lobby.  I nodded and she sympathetically said, "Did they send you home?"  Oh yeah.  I'm pregnant.  She thinks they are sending me home because I thought I was in labor.  "I wish," is what I thought as I again nodded to the nurse.  Easier that way.  

As we crossed the street and headed into parking lot, holding tight to Brian's hand, I had a moment of clarity through all my clouded emotions.  "Maybe this is all for our good.  Maybe this is a learning experience to bring me and Brian closer together, and closer to the Lord.  Maybe we need this to be humbled and to learn and to increase our faith.  Maybe I don't have MS."  

It was a comforting thought.  It was so comforting, in fact, that I recognized that it probably wasn't my own thought.  But fear soon took over my thoughts again and the shock of it all continued to set in.  

Are you tired?  I am.  I cried through most of this post. . .reliving it I guess.  I could talk about calling our parents that night.  I could talk about how our amazing families fasted for us the next day.  I could tell you how their prayers literally lifted me up at church the next day.  Or how our Sunday school lesson that day was on Job and how  I realized that I can do hard things and that there is purpose behind suffering.  There's a lot I could tell you about the days and weeks that followed.  But, I feel like skipping to the end.  

After Layla was born I met with the neurologist.  He did all sorts of funny tests with my body, asked me lots of questions and showed us the lesions on the MRI.  He ordered a more extensive MRI, now that I wasn't pregnant, that included my spinal cord and my brain again, this time with dye.  He answered some of our questions.  I had the MRI last Friday.  It was an hour and a half.  I was really nervous about having one that long.  But with the help of a little Xanex I did just fine.  After more waiting, we finally got a phone call from the neurologist last week.  There were no lesions on my cervical spine and none of the lesions on my brain were enhanced with the dye.  This is good news!  So, as of now I don't have MS.  I will get another MRI in five months to see if there are any changes.  I have mixed feelings about this.  I wanted the doctor to say, "You don't have it.  Go on with your life.  You're free of this disease forever!"  But he didn't say that.  There is not really any sense of closure or finality.  It's more of a wait and see thing.  Given the latest MRI results, MS is much less likely, but not ruled out entirely.  I have to keep in mind that this too is part of what I have to go through- part of what I have to learn.  Even though I am frustrated, I am very grateful.  

Now that the heat of it has passed, I can see that I did learn a lot through this experience.  And, of course, still learning.  I am so grateful for all those who prayed and fasted for us.  Clearly, prayers are answered.  I am so humbled by the amount of love we felt from so many.  That was another wonderful part of this whole awful thing.  We had amazing support from our friends and family.  We are so blessed.  I am grateful that I can already look back on this experience and realize the blessings that have come from it.  

So, that kind of explains my lack of posting.  That, and I did have a baby.  I knew three would be hard for me.  And it is.  It's just not in the way that I thought.  We are still settling in around here and I am still walking the line of normal life and postpartum land.  Trying hard to stay in normal life, but every so often I loose my footing.  I have loads of posts in mind though and Brian keeps bugging me to do them.  So, I guess I'm back.  It feels good to be back.  

The next story to tackle?  Layla's dramatic entrance into the world.  And I mean dramatic!

it's time

When I first started this blog in 2007, just months after Ellery was born, I decided that I would eventually make it private.

Well, eventually has caught up to me and now I've decided to actually do it.

Everyone is invited.  I just kind of have that feeling like it's time.  So, leave a comment with your email address if you want to keep reading.  I would love for you to keep reading.  Even if I didn't know you were reading. . .that's okay.    

Making a blog private, for my mom and sister who don't know what that means, will just make it so you have to sign in to your google account before viewing. . .just like leaving a comment, really.  I know it's kind of annoying, but I gotta do it.  

Think I'll make the switch in two weeks.

hi

I don't even know how to begin to tell you about the last few weeks.  Lots of tears, prayers, sickness, stress and frustration.  I'll get to it soon. . .I'm just slightly overwhelmed at the thought of writing it all down right now.  I will say that things are finally looking up around here.

This little girl has been a little light through it all.  Thank goodness for her.  Today is her due date.  She came at a really crazy time, but a day hasn't gone by where I haven't been grateful that she's outside and not inside still.  I'm loving not being pregnant anymore and loving snuggling sweet little Layla in my arms even more.  She is so precious.  So tiny and so precious.

I can't wait to get back to my thoughts on a Sunday. . .or Thursday or whatever day.  I have so many and I need to start writing them down or else I'll surely forget them.  One sad thought is that I wish I could have been showing you cute pictures of my girl all this time.  And my other kids too.  They are so sweet and already love Layla so much.  But I guess eventually I'll catch up.

picture pile

Finally getting around to posting some photos of Layla's first few days. 

The start of smother mother's favorite obsession.

First family photo.  Unfortunately not a favorite.

There couldn't be a sweeter big brother. . .or Grandma for that matter.

Sweet little Layes.

One-eyed Willy and a pregnancy mask.

Her middle name was all my decision. . .and it was most definitely a hard one for me.

Layla and her daddy have the same hairdo. 

Going home.

I wanted a picture of the weather on the day we left the hospital.  Maybe that's weird.