thoughts on a sunday

• McKay is really into jump rope.  It all started at recess in second grade.  It's just the thing he does now.  I will never forget him showing off his skills on the driveway one afternoon and with the look on his face just daring any of the neighbor kids to take a look at him.  This is precious to me because I always want him to be proud of his jumping rope abilities and think it's cool.  I have to say he has improved quite a bit since the start of school.

• He says a lot of boys play soccer at recess, but he does NOT want to because of the "school rules".  School rules = cheating in normal soccer terms.  But not at school, so that's why he can't stand to play.  I have driven by many days and spotted him on the  playground.  He is running or swinging or chasing or jumping or pretending.  I love that.  He's always got some buddies around him doing the same things and I hear about elaborate games and scenarios they find themselves in at recess.  He's a second grader and I am so happy he is still care-free and running around that playground.

• We have had such an issue with spiders lately, mostly on our front porch.  This was a new one though- it was orange, huge and had an abdomen like a crab shell.  It was crazy.  I let it live there  on the side of the house for a day or two and then I just felt she overstayed her welcome and she had to go.  So we transported her across the street (into the neighbors backyard, hehe) and onto a utility box.  Did I mention how gigantic it was?

• Laysie Lou got some squinkies from Grammy for her birthday.  Oh my goodness, she has been busy.

• Walking Ellery's to a friend's house with Layla and baby in tow.  It was slow-going, but so worth it to have this view in front of me as I walked home.

• Watching the BYU game at Grammy and Poppy's.  I showed up with three pretty excited fans.  I especially love the tie.

• Layla and I have been walking the kids to school three days a week.  Two of those days we walk a little extra with our friends, which means we walk by Kevin.  Kevin is a huge pig.  Like if you think of a dirty, snorty, giant pig, Kevin is pretty much who you're thinking of.  He eats any snack you bring him and is filthy from rolling in the mud.  And he makes the perfect pig noises.  

• Also important to note, it is not even 9:00 a.m. and this is what we're wearing.  At least it's something...the baby is naked.  I don't know what that girl is going to do when it turns cold and swimsuits are not an option.  A depression is sure to ensue.  

• Ellery started gymnastics.  She is taking it with all her friends and so far loves it.  She is so excited to perfect her cartwheels and get better at head stands.  Look how beautiful my girl is.  I sure love her.

• Brian ran a 17 mile race last week.  He actually ran 20 miles, but only 17 was part of the race.  We got to pick him up and be there at the finish line.  I sometimes forget how far he can run, like it's no big deal.  And then I think TWENTY MILES and I'm extremely impressed with my husband.  And then I kind of understand why he falls asleep at odd times and positions later that day. 

• It's hard to believe that the same sunny day Brian ran that race, we had an extreme rain storm that  cause all sorts of havoc in Utah county.  The girls and I were having a girls night and made a stop at the Outlets.  It wasn't raining when we arrived, but that didn't last too long.  It was POURING.  We stayed put in the lobby for awhile, because we had heard driving conditions were scary and dangerous.  We got snacks out of the vending machine and the girls loved that.

• McKay and Brian were lucky enough to get tickets to the BYU game from Lisa and Trevor.  They had quite a unique game experience with all that rain and wind.  I think it ended up being a nice night for them after the storm passed.  I was glad I wasn't there, and so happy that they were.  Those boys kind of really love BYU football.

• Layla and I were twins last Sunday.  I didn't plan it ahead of time, but then when I noticed that my skirt was similar to hers, I decided to just go for it.  Me and my little doll.  I love her sweet little belly.

• McKay meditating.  That's really all.

• Layla:  "But mo-om.  You did my hair last week!"  Always a battle with my girls.  Honestly, Layla probably gets her hair done every other day.  That's just how it is.

thoughts on a sunday (a few sundays ago)

• Lisa calls it the "back-to-school phenomenon".  All summer her kids hardly play with friends.  They lay around the house bored and suffering through summer.  About a week before school starts there's a little buzz in the air.  Kids start coming over more.  Playing with friends they haven't seen all summer begins to happen everyday.  Night games they haven't once played start occurring nightly.  Pretty soon school starts and the friends and games get even more concentrated.  That's the back-to-school phenomenon.  This year I am totally relating to this.  Last week my girls began to play with each other ALL day.  Last week my girls started playing with toys!  They never play with toys!  Well, Ellery doesn't anyway.  And here they are being best friends playing all day every day with toys. . .right before Ellery starts kindergarten.  Phenomenon.

• Ellery met her teacher this week.  She was so excited.  One thing I've noticed about Elle is that she is quite quiet at school.  McKay is Mr. friendly with adults and will talk their ears off, but if someone isn't in Elle's family, she's not going to do a ton of talking.  She was this way with her sweet teacher.  She loved meeting her though and listened to every word and direction she said.  Ellery told me after that she loved her sweet, high voice and that it just made her feel good to hear it.  That's good because she'll be hearing a lot of it.  

• I am really starting to get sad about Elle going to kindergarten.  I am going to miss her.  Layla is going to miss her.  But she is so excited to go- I can't be too sad.  

• Blurry pic that almost hurts my eyes, but the tooth fairy visited McKay and he thought this dollar airplane was pretty cool.  That tooth fairy- she is somethin' else!

• We did some back-to-school shoe shopping the week before McKay started.  It took quite a long time mostly because Layla had to stop and smell every. single. flower she came across.  "Oh!  There's a flower!" 

• I took McKay and Ellery to a local production of Aida.  We listen to the music and they love to hear me tell what the songs are about and the story of it all.  It is quite a complicated thing to explain to children with absolutely no reference to the play, so I was really excited to take them.  They were really good and loved it.  I love doing things like this with my little buddies.  Brian was completely happy to stay home with Layla.

• We visited my parents one Saturday afternoon when Brian was working.  My kids love seeing the dogs, and I love sitting on the deck, especially when there is a summer thunderstorm.  We also enjoyed looking at the hummingbirds who were flying around.

• It seems like we have had a lot more rain than normal this summer, with a lot of thunder and lightening to accompany that rain.  It's been really fun and cozy and refreshing.  

• Mack had his first pack meeting for Cub Scouts on Wednesday.  He was excited about it and a little nervous because he didn't totally know what to expect and what he would have to do.  He earned his Bobcat- we had been working on it all week- but they didn't have the award there which was kind of a bummer.  Another boy got his Arrow of Light and this impressed McKay so much that on the way home he was planning on how he could get it by next pack meeting.  I told him the disappointing news that it would take him nearly four years.  Sad.

• The kids needed haircuts so we got them this week.  Rylee did the girls, and I did McKay's.  All summer Ellery has been talking about cutting her hair short.  One day I held her hair up and showed her how it would look if it were in a shorter bob.  She loved it and really wanted to do it.  Brian is a man who loves long hair.  He was struggling with this.  But I ultimately left it up to her and she decided to do a shoulder length cut.  It looks darling, but I must admit I miss her hair.  It was so easy to just pull it up to a high bun and be done.  I didn't even have to brush it that way.  Now it's either down or in a pony.  We could do a bun but would have to pin a lot of it.  I know it will grow thought and I am happy that she was able to make a big decision like that.  I think it was good for her.

• Caramel the guinea pig is a huge pig.  He is messy and spazzy and always wants to eat.  That's all I have to say about that.

• On our last day of summer we hiked to Battle Creek Falls.  It was hot, but the kids loved cooling off in the water.  McKay even dared to stand under the falls for ten seconds.  That boy and natural water sources- he's got guts.  It was pretty cold water.  We realized that Layla is getting quite big for the backpack carrier...which is a problem because she is not yet able to walk the long distances that the other kids can.  I bet we can stuff her in there a little longer...

• I can't believe summer is over.  I have had such a weird feeling about it.  I felt like we were SO busy all summer, which we totally were not, but I felt like it.  And then all the sudden it's over and I keep thinking, "Did we do enough?  Did we swim enough?  Did my kids have a fun enough summer that I feel good about moving into Fall?"  Like I have been obsessing over these things.  And it's not like I wasn't ready for school to start- I was.  But then you realize that with school starting the freedom of summer is gone and that's sad to say goodbye to.  

• I always stress at the beginning of school about volunteering.  I want to volunteer because it's so great to see them in the classroom environment and step into their world a little bit, but it's stressful with little ones at home.  This year I only have Layes at home, so maybe it will be a little easier, but I also now have two in school, so that means more volunteering to go around.  I hope to help with some parties and field trips at least.  

• The leaves are already starting to change on our mountain and that is just crazy.

end of july in pictures

On a summer afternoon it did not alarm me to find McKay dressed like a newsie/NBA gangsta, Layla in a red velvet Christmas dress (her go-to), and Ellery going for an all purple ensemble.  Just another summer day...

In March I starting making a new green smoothie- with protein powder.  I have had it almost daily since then and am still loving it.  I wonder if I will ever get sick of it.  There is another girl in the family who loves it just as much.  If ever Layla sees a green drink she is immediately there with her own straw.  I can't count the number of mornings that Layla and I have been nose to nose drinking our breakfast...and I love it!

Layla on the phone with "Judas".

I got a follow up MRI since it had been a couple years.  I went to a MRI clinic on 8th North and I loved my experience there...well, loved it as much as one loves getting an MRI.  They have what is called an open MRI, so although there was still stuff above me, I was not put in a little capsule like the other ones I've had.  It was a lot more pleasant, and with the help of a little valium I was able to keep still the whole hour and a half.  No changes were found in my MRI which is great news. 

This may be out of order because since I am writing this way after, I can't remember when it actually was.  But we enjoyed spending time with the Alaskan girls while they were here during the summer.  They love each other and we wish they lived here all the time.

The kids had a gymnastics class all at the same time at the rec center, and here are a few pictures of them doing their thing:

McKay in a "bar battle".

Layla's little body was too little to do most of the stretches, but she managed to do this one.  She is with our very favorite teacher, London, who took quite an interest in my kids, especially Layla.  She was really sweet.  

Ellery hanging on the bars.  

when the thompsons come to visit

We were lucky enough to have the Thompson's visit us again this summer.  It's so great how fast the kids pick up where they left off.  I would even say they got along even better than before!  My kids had so much fun with their visitors and it was fun to see Sage and Layla together this time.  I think now they finally get the idea of friends, and they were happy to be friends together.  

I love my friendship with Starr.  She is a friend where we can always pick up where we left off too.  That is a valuable friendship to me.  She is so laid back and sweet and I just love her.

We had fun swimming at the PG pool, going out for pizza, going to the splash pad and getting treats, watching movies, eating more treats, going to Bridal Veil Falls, and having sleepovers.  It was a fun couple days and we look forward to seeing them again...maybe next year?

And now the photos of it all:

We love the Thompsons!

first day

Tuesday was the first day of school.  I had such good intentions of everything going smoothly.  I spent the night before planning what needed to happen and when.  I'd get up early, have everything ready, make a nice breakfast and we'd enjoy walking to school.  

Everything was going fine, until I asked McKay to practice piano while I made him eggs and toast.  The world pretty much fell apart right at that moment.  Whines like I'd never heard escaped my boys mouth.  I tried to be patient.  I did.  The whines- so high pitched and squeaky that I could almost not understand the words- continued.  

My perfect plan was not panning out.  I left the eggs on the stove and went in with him to the piano. The piano that I know nothing about.  I know he likes to have someone sit with him and help him along with every step, so still trying to hold on to our peaceful morning, I tried.  The trouble is, I cannot be that person.  I chose patience, and patience failed me.  Or I failed, rather.  

I'll skip to the end and say that things escalated, tears were shed- not by me, threats were made, pleads were ignored and I marched like a two year old all the way up the stairs making sure each step made and exaggerated stomp and put myself in a time out.  

This was not the first day of school morning I had in mind.  My son was crying and with each tear I had gotten more and more mad at him for crying because IT WAS THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL! YOU CAN'T CRY ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!  I did NOT want to be that mother who sends her boy to off to school with anything but a happy morning.  We both felt horrible.  I actually felt like I was the worst mother in the world, yet simultaneously knew that I was right and it wasn't me who started this.  That's called pride, I'm learning.  I finally decided we weren't walking- we needed the time to calm down- and I had to do my best to make it right.

I went back downstairs and hugged my boy and told him the things I needed to tell him for us both to feel better.  We worked on getting his tear marks off his face and tying his shoes tight so they wouldn't come undone.  Pretty soon it was time for him to go and we walked him to his classroom.  He was a little nervous, but still excited.  He fell in line behind his classmates and walked into the second grade.  

I still felt awful.  I felt so guilty, mad, frustrated, horrible and did I say guilty?  It continued to ruin my day.  What kind of mother sends her kid off to school in tears?  My day did not improve much, and I kept worrying about him and if our sour note had affected his day too.

At 3:42 he came bounding in the door.  He was smiling- his eyes bright with anticipation for the chocolate chip cookies he knew would be waiting for him.  I sat down next to him while he stuffed cookie, after cookie into his mouth.  He had a great day.  He was fine.  He was happy. He recovered and most importantly he forgave me.  In fact, he wasn't even thinking about our morning.  He was completely over it.

It was yet another lesson my children teach me over and over again.  You can mess up and be a bad parent and be embarrassingly immature and ridiculous and when you decide to grow up and be sorry they will almost immediately forgive you.  And forget.  

I think of those scriptures that teach us to become as little children and I wonder how much more peaceful our lives would be if we could actually do that.  How peaceful it would be to forgive so easily and move on.  McKay and I had the same morning, yet his day was remarkably better than mine for that reason alone.  I held on to guilt, anger and regret; he did not. 

Even though he didn't practice that morning and piano remains to be a source of frustration for me 

right now, I'm grateful for that morning and what it taught me and I'm grateful for children who are so willing to forgive their less than perfect mother when she makes mistakes...over...and over...and over again.

just like me

The first time she asked me, I really had no idea where it came from.  I didn't know the reasoning behind it or what that question really meant to her.

"Mom, when I grow up what size will I be?"

My "I don't know, sweetie," did not satisfy.

"But mom, will I be like your size?"

Remembering a pediatrician telling me once that children's weight and size often reflects that of their parents, I told her, "Yes- you will probably be my size."

Satisfaction washed over her face.  

* * *

The next time she asked me it all made sense.  

We were in Home Depot walking by the popcorn machine.  A morbidly obese lady was sitting next to the popcorn table.  

I saw her look, just like kids do, and we continued on our way.

Not thirty seconds later she asked me again.

"Mom, when I grow up what size will I be?"

This time I saw the worry in her eyes.  I saw that she was scared.  She wanted reassurance.  It all made sense to me now- the questions, the concern.  When I told her she would probably be my size relief instantly replaced the worry.

I don't write about this because of the effect it had on Ellery, quite the opposite actually.  This was a huge wake-up call for me.  She wants to be like me.  She feels relief knowing that she will be my size.  She wants to be my size.  

She doesn't see my love handles, my giggly belly or my square torso.  She doesn't worry about having my unshapely rear or bowed legs.  She's not scared of my back-fat.  She wants to be like me.

I recently read an article on Facebook about the power mothers have on their daughters regarding body image.  It was powerfully written from the perspective of a child thinking her mother was the most beautiful person in the world, then that perspective being tainted with the mother's self depreciating comments and obvious distaste for her body.  

That article struck me too, and I found myself at a crossroads with my own little girl.  I try to be careful about what I say about myself out loud.  I don't want my kids to hear how I think I'm overweight or how dissatisfied I am with my non-existent abs.  But somehow, that article and my Ellery's longing to look like me when she grows up put it all into perspective for me.  'Fake it 'til you make it' might have to be my motto- but I am determined to do all I can to help my girls hang on to their positive body image...and their positive body image of me.  That means I have to do some serious self acceptance and work hard to change my thought process.

I want to celebrate the body God gave me.  I want to work hard to keep it healthy, not to make it thinner or firmer, but to make it healthy.  I want the words healthy and unhealthy to obliterate the words skinny and fat in my home.  

This will take work.  This will take changing a lot of my thought patterns and ideas that have been ingrained in me since I was a child.  But thinking about my girls, how they look up to me and how they could quite possibly think that I am the most beautiful woman in their world, it is worth it. 

Because if they think I am beautiful, maybe- just maybe- they will be able to continually see that in themselves throughout all sizes and weights that they as women will experience.  

This is my hope, anyway.

And maybe- just maybe- if they can accept me for how I am right now, I will be able to too.

my baby is a big girl

When Layla broke her arm from jumping out her crib, I knew it really was time to get her into a big girl bed.  It took me a few months to make the transition- mostly because I wanted to finally decorate the girls room before I did it.  This meant paint the walls, re-do furniture and find bedding.  It took longer than I thought, but towards the end of July she finally made the switch! 

I had to take one last picture of her in the crib- and wouldn't you know it, she was in a swim suite when I did it.  Lucky for us it was the swimsuit that she has created for herself out of an old tankini top and a swim diaper bottom.  She doesn't know it's a swim diaper.  I love when she finds this ensemble, which is often.  I love that she thinks its cute.

  

It was a bit hard for me to say goodbye to the crib.  It's just the end of so much.

We had been building this up for months- she probably never thought it would actually happen.  That's probably why she was so excited when it finally did.

She did really great the first night!  She only came out once, right after we said goodnight, to get a drink.  After that she went right to sleep.  

Luckily she is in there with the pro sleeper in our house- Ellery.  Elle rarely complains or whines about going to bed, rarely comes out once we've put her to bed, and now never has problems in the middle of the night (now that she's not throwing up anymore).  So we are happy that Layla gets a roommate that is the perfect sleeping example for her.

It's been about a month since that first night and she's done pretty well.  She comes out occasionally, but it's really been a smooth transition and she is thrilled to be a big girl. 

  I probably confuse this girl so much because I am always telling her how big she is, yet in the next breath hugging her and calling her my baby.  But she is.  She'll always be my baby, so I guess she better get used to it.  I really love her.