bald but still beautiful

When Ellery was a baby she hardly went a day without wearing a headband.  I am hard pressed to find a 

picture of her without a flower sprouting off of her head.  I became a nylon-headband manufacturer at the rate I was making them for my little baby girl.  Look, I even put one on her while wearing her Christmas pajamas.  Pajamas!?  Sad.  I find myself wishing that I had more pictures of Ellery that were just her.  No bows and flowers and nylon attached.  

And lets not even get started on the jeans.  Why I stuffed my sweet little Ellie-girl into those jeans, I'll never know.

*****

Layla.

Layla hasn't worn a headband yet. . .well, except for a half an hour when she was blessed and for her newborn pictures.  Okay, so she's worn them. . .but only twice!  Layla's mother didn't make a single flower for her to sport.  I haven't even touched a nylon all year.  I suppose I would put a headband on her if we were doing something fancy.  But when are we ever doing something fancy?  Never.  We are never doing something fancy.  

I'm not opposed to it.  In fact, I bought her a couple the other day.  But for some reason it just isn't that important to me this time.  I don't need her to look "put together" all the time.  She's already perfect just the way she is.  

And those jeans?  Those jeans are still neatly folded in Layla's drawer.  Untouched as of yet.

Poor Elle. . .Or poor Layla. I'm not really sure.

thoughts on a sunday

The Sick Sunday Band serenaded me with Christmas songs while I laid in bed today.  That blue thing is NOT a recorder- it's a clarinet!  I won't make that mistake twice.  As always, Ellery does pretty much anything with Ariel in her hand. . .including play the clarinet.

• We're back home after spending almost three weeks in Utah.  It was probably my best trip yet and I was excited to introduce everyone to little Layla.  

• I was so nervous to fly to Utah alone with the three kids, but the flight there was AMAZING.  The plane was almost empty and we had rows and rows of empty seats around us.  Layla slept the whole time and it was a quick flight.  The flight home, with Brian, was another story.  Waiting in airport.  Packed plane.  Tired, hungry kids.  Two delays.  Stop in Reno.  Rude male flight attendant.  Nice captain.  Behind schedule.  Holding Layla the whole time.  Granola bars for dinner. Nine pieces of "luggage".  On the bus.  Off the bus.  Stress.  Carseats loaded back in the car.  And finally home at ten thirty p.m.  

• The captain was pretty much obsessed with Ellery and she was chatting him up like I've never seen. They were best friends.  He kept calling her a cutie patootie, which she thought was just wonderful.  

• I am so glad we got to fly home- it was wonderful.  But it seems like whenever we fly someone (or all of us) comes down with something.  Ellery seemed fine all day- even on the plane- and then we walk in the door of our house and she suddenly has this horrible, barky cough.  I thought she might die during the night.  Now we're all sick. . even Layla.  She has a horrible barky, raspy cough and cry and I am so worried about her because she's so little.  Hopefully it will go away in a day like Ellery's yucky cough did.  

• That means we all stayed home from church today.  I hate that.  

• McKay said to me the other day, "I wish I was Santa.  No!  I wish I was Jesus!  Jesus has a lot of powers."  Um, yeah.  He does, but. . . 

• The other day I was driving in the car with my kids and one of my cub scouts.  You have to know this kid- he is the best- very enthusiastic about everything.  He's so cute with my kids and him and Ellery are BFF when I go visiting teaching over at his house.  Anyway, the conversation turned to babies. . .probably because of Layla.  Steven said that he was going to be a dad someday and he told Ellery and McKay that they would be parents one day too.  He then said, "You know Ellery- birth can be painful."  I was dying.  It still makes me smile.

• This week I have been making Ellery go to the bathroom ALL by herself.  My sweet, yet stubborn daughter got used to me assisting her completely while going to the bathroom.  Trying to break that habit. . .because I know she can do it herself.  She is not thrilled.

• Layla is most definitely a mommy's girl.  And I keep forgetting to say that she's not mean anymore.  I told you all she was mean, and everyone who met her expected her to be mean.  But she's sweet now. . .except to one person.  Her and Brian still struggle.  

• Speaking of my poor husband he just finished his last clinical at OHSU.  Now on to Kaiser Interstate.  He had a pretty crazy week once we got home and was pretty much going non stop for three days.  Non stop!  He was so exhausted at the end of each day that he fell asleep several hours before me.  

• I'm happy to report that aside from one online final, he has a whole week off before he starts his next clinical rotation at a different hospital and no more class work. . .ever!  I'm hoping that the stress will ease up a little bit now that classes are over.  

• Even if it doesn't ease up, I am confidant that I am being taken care of.  I feel an increased strength. . .most days. . .and feel like I've been blessed with the ability to take on more.  Grateful for that.

• All of the sudden I now like wearing pajamas to bed.  Brian is confused.

• Tonight Ellery is wearing gloves to bed.  Her fingers were "squishy" which is apparently quite uncomfortable. . .painful even!  And as a result she had to bite her fingers. . .which resulted in more pain and uncontrollable whining and tears.  But gloves are the magic remedy for squishy fingers.  Who knew?!

• Our Christmas tree is up!  We didn't put one up last year because we were in Utah for Christmas, so it was fun to get it all decorated.  McKay and Ellery are having a blast playing with the train and looking at all the ornaments. 

Happy Sunday!

sugar high

So, lets pretend that it's not almost two months past Ellery's birthday, okay?

Because if we do that, then I won't feel bad that I haven't blogged about her party.

It's no secret that Ellery is all about the Disney princesses, but she had a few little boy friends to invite to her party, so I was trying to think of something she would love that would be good for girls and boys.  My friend Adrienne did a cute Candyland themed party for her daughter, which was so cute- you should see the cake she made- and so that's what I went with.  Ellery was easily talked into it. . .mostly because Candyland has a princess and a queen.

I had a lot of fun planning this party. . .except that it kind of totally stressed me out.  So then it turned to be not so fun.  Every time I've done a birthday party I am just amazed at the ease in which my sister Lisa plans a party for each of her kids every year and they always turn out so cute and she continually swears they are "so easy."  I don't believe her and I don't like planning birthday parties.

I was excited, however, about the invitations.
You can't get much simpler than a Candyland playing card.  

I spent about ten dollars at the Dollar Store for decorations, including all the tissue paper candies.  These were so cute and easy- just tissue wrapped around two paper plates and tied at the ends.  We hung and stuck these candies all over the house!

Brian made the banister into suckers.  Isn't he clever?  

I decided to do a game or activity for every Candyland character, and after the game they got a corresponding treat.  They colored a picture of Gloppy and got pudding cups.  We played pass the sucker to music and whoever was holding it when the music stopped got the sucker.  That was Lolly's game, naturally.  They got to drink their juice from one of Lord Licorice's licorice straws and throw gum drops in a bowl for Jolly.  Mr. Mint lost his mints all over my house and they got to hunt for them and Grandma Nut had a roaring game of Nut, Nut, Goose and gave out Nutter Butters.  Kind Kandy made sure each child got a toothbrush at the end because boy, oh boy, that's a lot of candy!  

*Please note that Brian was in charge of taking photos of the party in action.  Also note, we have hardly any photos of the party in action that doesn't primarily showcase a bad angle of a child's back.  Sadness.  I do love him though.

Clockwise starting at 9 o'clock: Brandon Murray, McKay, Talan Thompson, Halle Hendrickson, McKenzie Hendrickson, Dax Nelson, Blayke Gardiner, McKenna Thompson, Ellery Jane.

Queen Frostine (who is now Princess Frostine. . .but she'll always be the queen to me) had ice cream cone cupcakes for everyone and let me tell you, they were not pretty.  At all.  She didn't do a very good job.  She thought they would be simple and easy, but she kind of ruined them.  At least the kids didn't notice and they still tasted good.  It worked.  She will probably do a better job next time.

Ellery loved her Candyland party and although it was pretty chaotic, I'm so glad she has such sweet little friends to share it with.  After it was all over I felt a little sad because I didn't feel like the kids were quite old enough to understand some of the games I had planned.  Either that or my house is too small and there was too many of them.  But overall, I would say it was a success.  If the birthday girl is happy with it, that's all that mattes, right?  

And do you think I felt guilty for sending these kids home with a big bag of sugar right before Halloween?

A little.

pregnant party

Every year we do a party for my parent's birthdays, which are in December.  I think I've explained it on here before, but we pick a theme having to do with some part of their lives and just have a silly party.  This year's theme:

All things PREGNANCY!

(Wish her eyes were open, but don't you think my mom looks fabulous just before giving birth to me?)

Listen, you're either going to laugh, or think we are totally insane when you read about this party.  I myself, laugh every time I think about it, so you know where I stand.  

At the beginning of the party, mom and dad are directed from the garage through the mudroom where there is usually a clue or two about the theme.  This here is a cervix.  Yep, you read that right.  Mark and Jason are peaking through a fully dilated cervix (the sign is turned around, but it read 10cm).  Mom and dad opened the door, saw the hanging cervix, and their welcome to the world!

Once they come into the room, we all are busy "acting" out the theme.  So basically, we were all in labor, holding newborns, at lamaze class or anything else that has to do with pregnancy (well. . .not everything:) we were acting it out!  Here is Jana going through a serious contraction with Jason coaching, and Carson snuggling.  

Don't be scared. . .but here is a picture of a bunch of adults and kids pregnant with balloon babies.  And also, a newborn Andrew, still attached to the umbilical cord.  

Not sure why my sisters all look so cute and I'm, well. . .I got to dress up like my mom.  And Jana actually was pregnant in this picture, but not that pregnant.   

Me and my sisters love doing this every year.  We have so much fun planning these parties, and probably not very surprisingly, we quite often just throw them together.  But we have fun and we all laugh and our kids LOVE this tradition.  

I think they love it too.  And we sure love them and love celebrating them in this crazy way. . .balloon babies and all! 

And just for fun:

I love this picture.  

remembering

Have you ever been at the grocery store trying to wrangle all your kids and get groceries at the same time and an older person says to you, "Enjoy this time.  It goes so fast."  And you think, "Yeah right.  I'm really enjoying telling my kids they can't have every colorful item they see and keeping them from getting run over by other shopping carts, all the while trying to keep the binky in the baby's mouth and keep my cart from running into anything."

People tell me that all the time.  My dad just said those very words to me last week after a break down about putting my naughty children to bed.  And even through times like at the grocery store, or amid a teary defeat, I still kinda believe them because I know how fast they grow up.  McKay was pretty much born yesterday and I blinked and he's five with two little sisters.

Another thing people always say is that someday we'll look back on the time when we were the poorest and realize that it was the best time in your life.  This one I haven't really experienced yet.  I can't imagine looking back on this time and thinking it was the best in my life.  This time in my life has been hard.  Really hard.  There are some days when I hate this time in my life and can't wait to be done with it.

What I look back on now is the time we spent in our little condo.  Life was so uncomplicated then.  Brian was a nurse.  He made enough for us to live a nice little life in a nice little condo.  I had two kids that I could manage easily.  They were little enough where my biggest problems were how to get McKay to eat vegetables and if Ellery was sleeping through the night.  Everything seemed to be just so and our life could be tied up in a tidy little package.

Now, we are still poor. . .poorer, even.  And my kids are still little.  But our lives have gotten more complicated.  I worry about peer pressure for my kids.  I worry about their physiological and social development now, instead of just physical.  I worry about outside influences on them.  I worry about my husband and the pressure and stress he is under.  I worry about him trying to meet all the needs in his life- school, clinicals, scouts, kids, me, himself.  I worry about keeping a marriage strong and healthy when so many other things are demanding our attention.  I worry about how we're accumulating a hefty little student loan and about paying that off someday.  I worry about where we're going to get a job and how it's all going to work when we're done.  And most of all, I worry about how I am going to raise three children by myself when Brian is away throughout the next year and a half.  This worry looms ahead of me like a dark, shadowy mass and although my strategy so far has been to not even think about it, I'm afraid that's not working anymore.  I think about it constantly.  Every time I feel like I'm drowning in children, or when I have a million things to do and Layla is crying, or when I have to do bedtime by myself-  I think about it.  And I'm really scared.  

I'm trying to enjoy this time.  My kids are growing by the second.  I think about Layla and how much she's grown in just her short three months of life.  It goes so fast.  But enjoying this time does not always come easy.  Sometimes I have to really try.  Sometimes I don't enjoy it.  A lot of the time I do.  But it's also hard for me to not live my life waiting for when we're done.  When we're settled.  When life isn't so stressful.  But I have a feeling that if I continue "waiting" for that, I'm going to be waiting for a long time.  Perhaps life won't ever really settle down.  There will always be stress in life.  I know that.  

So I wonder, when people give the advice to enjoy the time when your kids are little and enjoy the time when you have no money, perhaps what they long for is the time when life was more simple.  When there wasn't a lot of "stuff," both physical and mental, crowding their life.  When they weren't stretched too thin and life wasn't complicated.

Because, right now, that's exactly what I'm longing for.

*The blessing, and I do mean blessing, of Layla's arrival in our family is something I would never, ever change. . .even with the added stress.  I hope this doesn't read the wrong way in regards to her.  I'm seriously and quite desperately in love with her.  My baby.  I thank Heavenly Father that He sent her to me every day.      

i'm thankful

Taking a cue from Jaynie and just using words to describe our wonderful family reunion in NOVEMBER!  I can't believe it's been that long.  Why has it taken me this long?!  

blizzard of 2010 the day before

rock band

piniata

air hockey

fooz ball

thanksgiving dinner

races with grandad

fun announcement

thankful table

pie

seven in matching jammies

seven lions doing tricks

bathroom stalls

red rocks

delicious food

hiking

arches

maffia

yoga

leg wrestling (gone wrong)

family

reunion

It was such a great trip and so fun to spend time together in a huge cabin in the middle of nowhere.  I loved seeing all the cousins play together- makes me so sad that they can't do it all the time.  They had so much fun.  

I'm so grateful that McKay and Adele made it possible for us to have such a great reunion.  So glad they value family time and just make things happen.  It was definitely a trip we'll always remember.    

words are all i've got

I'm usually not a huge "thanker" on my blog.  I'd rather thank someone in person/on the phone or write them a nice note.  But, sometimes there are things you want everyone to know.  And this is one of those times.  We have good parents.  And I want to thank them.

We all debated when the best time for Brian's mom, Adele, to come out for the baby.  Since I had been two weeks early with my other two it was hard to decide the best time to have her here, hoping here time here would include the birth.  We decided the day before McKay's birthday- a Thursday- would be good.  Well, the Tuesday before came and I started having contractions.

When Adele found out I was possibly in labor, she packed a suitcase and prepped herself to drive the thirteen hour drive ALONE.  We called just as she was in the car, still in her garage.  McKay (Sr.) told us what she was up to and we were shocked.  He warned us that she was determined and that we probably wouldn't have any luck talking her out of it.

He handed her the phone.  Brian told her she was crazy.  Brian told her it was unnecessary.  Brian told her we'd be fine on our own.  Her response:  "I've had a feeling that I should come.  Do you want me to ignore a prompting from the Holy Ghost?"  What do you say to that?  McKay was right- there was no changing her mind.

My sweet, strong mother-in-law drove thirteen hours in one day BY HERSELF.  She made it here at about ten o'clock.  I was "laboring" on the couch when she quietly walked in.  She hugged me.  I was so happy and relieved to see her standing in my family room there are just no words to describe it.  Although there were so many who offered to take our kids if we needed it, it is not an easy, comfortable thing. . .especially in the middle of the night.  I was having a hard time asking for help.  A huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.  Huge.

Not only was I relieved about not farming out my kids, but the relief of having someone who loves us physically here with us was also huge.  Although we had felt such strong support and love from our family, we still felt a sense of isolation and loneliness.  It's hard to describe.  It was really good for us to have someone to talk face to face with about all that was going on.  

During the week that Adele was here Brian was extremely busy with school and finals and I was having a baby and getting really sick.  It was a really hard week actually.  I can't even begin to imagine how hard it would have been without her here.  She did everything for McKay and Elle while I was in the hospital and Brian was running back and forth from home to hospital to school.  She did everything for McKay's birthday party when I couldn't.  She did everything for my kids again when Brian and I were visiting doctor after doctor trying to figure out what was wrong with me.  And that's why I am so thankful that she listened to the prompting she had.  We could not have done it without her- that I know.


Thank you Adele, for everything.

* * *  *

My parents were able to come about a week after Adele left.  Although most of the drama had subsided by the time they got here, it was still wonderful to have them.  This was their first trip to see us and I was so happy to be able to show them where I live.  My town.  My home.  I was so glad they got to meet Layla and spend time with the kids.  My mom had double knee surgery in the summer and wasn't expected to be healed by September, but somehow she beat all her physical goals way ahead of schedule and was able to come a lot sooner than we thought.

I'm so glad they were here because we still had several doctors appointments to go to, including my second MRI which I was really nervous about.  It was so nice to have family here to watch the kids and support us.  Sometimes, when you go through something as shocking and scary as we did, you just want your mom and dad.  You just want the people who got you through all the other scary times in your life.  You just want to be someone's kid again and for them to tell you it was going to be alright.  I'm so glad I was able to have that.  It was comforting for me.


Thank you Mom and Dad, for everything.

* * * * *

And there's someone else I can't forget.  My father-in-law.  Oh, how I love him.  He didn't get to come out- but there is no doubt in my mind that he was praying for us everyday.  His prayers are powerful.  And I felt his love and support even though he was far away.  And, he let his wife take off and leave their family for a week to take care of mine.


Thank you McKay, for everything.

note: This baby is not Layla.  It's Ellery.  Layla hasn't met her Grandad quite yet.

Yep, we sure have great parents.

thoughts on a sunday

•  These two could not have been happier playing out in the rain earlier this week.  They were soaked through and through when they came in, but it was totally worth it.  

• We are have a problem in our family right now.  Her name is Ellery.  And she keeps getting out of bed and coming into our room at four in the morning.  Or anytime during the night, really.  I really don't know what to do with this little problem.  So it usually ends up sleeping sideways in the middle.  At least I usually get the head.  

• No, really, our kids have been totally annoying when it comes to bedtime and sleeping.  Ellery keeps getting up at night- because of bad dreams or pee or various creative reasons.  So that's bad enough, but on top of it, they are getting horrible at going to bed.  I always used to shake my head at my sister Lisa's bedtime craziness, but the older my kids get the more I understand that I should not be so judgmental.  My kids have always been really good at going to bed, but now they have learned that they can talk and make each other laugh, and they have all sorts of excuses to get out of bed and come talk to us.  And when it's bedtime I just want to be done!  My work day is over and I wish they could understand that.

• I  made a chart.  For McKay it's working.  For Elle, it's working a little bit.  

• My poor husband is sick.  He's sick and he's super busy, which means he doesn't really have time to be sick.  His eyes are like little slits and his face has been in a sort of permanent scowl this week.  It's safe to say that the program has gotten harder, and it's finally as bad as I thought it would be.  He's handling it though and I am proud of him.  

• My sweet little Layes is such a chub!  She's getting some major rolls on her legs.  Brian doesn't hold her much.  First, because he's so busy.  And second, because she still doesn't like him.  So when he does hold her she usually begins to cry.  This worries me for two reasons.  First, I am raising a baby alone.  And second, just think of the attachment issues she could have if I am THE ONLY human to hold her ever.  I know.

• I know it's been over two months since I was pregnant, but I still enjoying taking a huge drink of water before bed and having absolutely no consequences because of it.  It will take a long time for that to get old.  

• I guess it's finally time to admit we have an ant problem.  Mostly because I found one in Layla's diaper. . .while she was wearing it.  Gross.  So gross.  My poor baby.  It didn't seem to bother her at all.  These ants are funny because they are really spread out.  I only ever see one or two in the same area. . .unless there's a crumb on the floor and then there are a few more.  But they seem to just be spread out across our whole family room floor- carpet- and so they are hard to notice unless they are crawling on your blankets or in the neck folds of your baby.  Don't even say anything.  I know!  But what do I do?!  Vacuuming doesn't seem to help.  Maybe they like her because she smells like milk???  Ahhhhhhh!

• McKay and Elle, unknowingly, got revenge.  They spent a good chunk of the day searching for ants and putting them in a ziplock bag to keep as pets.  They didn't know they wouldn't survive in the bag.  I didn't tell them.  

• Please don't think bad of me or my baby that I'm raising by myself, because she's had a few ants crawling on her.  Please?    

• We've still been watching a lot of Beauty and the Beast around here.  The other day McKay asked me, "Mom, do you think Gaston is pretty?"  Um, I don't know.  I guess he looks nice.  "Yeah.  he looks really clean."  Clean?

• This week McKay taught us how to play toilet paper tag.  You tuck a long piece of toilet paper into the back of your pants and try to rip them out of each other's.  Whoever is the last one with their toilet paper still tucked in wins.  It was actually kind of fun.  Thinking of playing it with my cub scouts...

• Layla's baby zits are gone and she is so soft and so kissable- all over!  I am so in love with that baby, I can hardly stand it.  

• Sometimes I feel like my life is spent tidying and then re-tidying my house.  Over and over and over again.  A lot of times I feel like my life is like that, actually.

• Remember how I lose things?  Well, I don't really like to admit that I do.  But when I lost a merit badge card that someone gave me to give to Brian, and then threw our OMSI membership cards in the trash this week, I had to admit:  I lose things.  This makes me feel irresponsible.  But I'm not.  Only when it comes to handling important or semi-important paperwork.  That's all.

• Something I've learned about Ellery recently is that she is my indoor girl.  If given the choice to go outside or stay inside with me, she will almost always chose to stay in.  McKay loves to be outside and is always asking to go out, but Elle is content just hanging out indoors.  She'd even rather look out the window and watch McKay play outside.  

• McKay has been out a lot this week.  It's been nice almost all week and I've been trying to take advantage of it before the rain comes.  I love weather that truly feels like Fall.  Leaves blowing, a chill in the air, but not too cold.  I hope we get more.

Happy Sunday!

a baby story

finally got this all written down.  get comfy, it's long.  as usual.

I once had a co-worker who said that all her babies' birth experiences reflected their personalities.  Her daughter came early and turned out to be a very eager and prompt person, her son wouldn't come out and he ended up with a mean stubborn streak. . .you get the idea.

I've thought about this with my own kids and wondered how I could translate their births into personality traits that they have.

McKay had to be helped out with forceps.  It's no secret that ever since he was a tiny baby that McKay has liked adults (meaning me) to be involved in everything he does.  He didn't want to be born on his own, he doesn't want to play on his own.  Although, with McKay, the experience was pretty much painless and very exciting/nerve wracking.  McKay has such a pleasant personality and if you know him you know that his excitement about life and everything in it is almost tangible.  Maybe I'm stretching here. . .lets move on.

Ellery's birth was nearly perfect.  My water broke twenty minutes after Brian asked me to have the baby that day.  I had cleaned my house and written in my pregnancy journal that I was ready for her to come the night before.  Labor was easy, thanks to my epidural.  There was one point where I was ready to push, my epidural had worn off and I was waiting for the doctor to make it back to the hospital for the delivery- it hurt. . .but only for a few minutes, until I got another dose of the epidural.  Then, it was back to being perfect.  I didn't have to push, she just came on her own.  It was overall a very pleasant experience.  My Elle, overall is a very pleasant little girl.  She is almost all the way sweet, but has a little bit of sass to keep me on my toes.

I shared these comparisons with Brian shortly after Layla was born.

Then I continued, "And then Layla. . ."

"What?  Came like a bat out of hell?"  he replied.

Well.  Not exactly the words I had in mind, but, in a way, yes.

* * * * *

The morning of August 24th came very early for me.  Mild contractions that must have come on in the night woke me up before six.  I laid in bed timing them on our bedroom clock.  Realizing they were coming every six minutes I decided there was no way I could fall back to sleep.

I went downstairs.  The house was quiet.  I, as was very typical during this pregnancy, was famished and decided that if this was my last day being pregnant then I was going to eat blueberry eggo waffles for breakfast.  Three of them.  Loaded with syrup.  Something I normally would never eat for breakfast.  They were fantastic.

I then made my way to the couch and began writing down my contractions.  Five minutes.  Six minutes.  Eight minutes.  Five minutes.  Five minutes.

I had never experienced this before- my body going into labor in it's own.  With both McKay and Ellery my water broke and nothing happened.  Induction was necessary.  This was different.  It was exciting, yet scary to me.  Contractions kept coming, mostly five minutes apart, and not at all painful.  I could feel them, yes, but I wouldn't say they hurt.

I decided to tell Brian the news.  He had a million things to do, as it was his last week of school before his month-long break.  Finals, projects, classes, training.  It was a busy week.  Upon hearing about my condition he got right to work doing whatever was on the top of his list.  Brian's mom decided to get in the car and drive to Oregon by herself.  I decided to go on a walk with the kids to see if I could get things moving along.
      

We walked to the duck pond.  It's not very far.  We went on to the frog pond to see the tadpoles.  Just a bit further.  I thought I might die.  I was sweating profusely and had to sit down on the side of the road.  I felt weak.  I felt shaky.  Somehow we all made it back alive and my body was telling me to eat.  EAT!  It was a blood sugar thing, I'm sure.  Nothing a little Cinnamon Toast Crunch can't cure.  Don't judge- it was my last day!

After eating and laying down for awhile, I got a boost of energy.  My contractions were still coming and I was still timing.  Not like clock-work, but fairly regular.  Not painful, but getting stronger.  It was then that I realized that McKay's birthday was in four days and I had done nothing.  We had planned on a party at Chuck E. Cheese, but friends hadn't even been invited yet.  The kids and I took a trip to the dollar store where I bought invitations and let McKay pick out items for the goody bags.  He loved this and didn't even realize that his mom had put hardly any thought or preparation into his party.  I spent the afternoon putting together the goody bags and delivering the invitations.  This took a good couple hours, and by the time I delivered the last one, I was positive that I was in labor and that baby was on her way.

By six o'clock my contractions were still five minutes apart and getting stronger and stronger.  We went to Subway for dinner and Brian was afraid I was going to have the baby in the booth. . .mostly because he's totally paranoid.  After we ate I decided we should probably go to the hospital and just then my friend called and asked if we needed someone to watch the kids.  I felt so much relief.  I was dreading asking someone to watch them, although many sweet friends had offered to.  It was just hard for me to ask.  I was so glad she called and made it easy on me. We dropped the kids off and headed to the hospital.


By this point they were getting painful and Brian was pretty certain that I was going to have the baby in the car.  This was our first time at this and we had no idea what we were doing.  I thought I would like the new experience, but I just kept thinking how annoying it was to not know if we should be going to the hospital or not.  When your water breaks, there's no questions- you just go.  With contractions it's a guessing game.  I didn't like playing the game at all.

We got up to the triage room where they hooked me up to the monitor to check my contractions.  And wouldn't you know it, they completely stopped.  Of course they did.  I pretty much only had one while being monitored.  I wanted to die.  It was pretty humiliating.  The nurses looked at me like, "Yeah right- you're in labor."  They gave me the option to stay and walk around for a couple hours (what?  hours???) or go home.  It was easy for me to decide.  Go home.  The couch was calling my name.  We picked up the kids, which was totally embarrassing, and I planted myself on the couch once they were in bed.

Of course as soon as we left the hospital things picked up again.  I slept and "labored' until Brian's mom walked through the door at ten o'clock.  She had driven thirteen hours in one day alone.  She is an angel.  It was such a relief for her to be there to watch the kids.  Huge relief!  We visited for awhile and then headed up to bed.

I am a religious face washer, but that night I contemplated leaving my makeup on.  "There will be pictures," I thought.  But comfort soon took over my vanity and I scrubbed whatever beauty I had left down the drain.  Regret.  You'll see. . .

Brian says I slept between contractions.  It didn't seem like it.  They were painful.  They were strong.  He could tell when I was having them because my breathing would change.  They were coming and coming and coming.  I laid there as long as I could clutching my boyfriend (aka, body pillow), but when I started feeling them in my lower back, I knew it was time to go.

I got up.  The pain increased immediately.  It hurt so much that I didn't even brush my hair or look in the mirror.  It was hard to walk to the car.  The pain was more intense now.  Urgent.  I told Brian to hurry.  I arched my back through every contraction and could hardly get comfortable before another one came.  It was one-thirty in the morning.  The freeway was empty, but it seemed like it took forever to get there.  It was on the freeway where I began to get extremely irritated.  Why on earth did I have to be in so much pain before going to the hospital.  I had waited at home, enduring countless contractions, for fear of being sent home again.  And now the pain was getting to be too much.  How much pain does a girl have to be in to get an epidural?  I was annoyed.  I was hurting.

We finally arrived at the front door of the hospital.  There were two security guards sitting at the entrance.  Brian dropped me off and went to park the car.  I can't even begin to tell you the kind of walk I was doing, but I will say that I thought about being embarrassed that the security guards were watching me, but then decided that I didn't care.  I laid down on a bench right beside them and waited for Brian.  Who even knows if I was making noises as I laid there.  The security guards know, that's who.

Sweet Brian ran into the hospital and held my hand as we made the loooong walk to the third floor.  Here's what I'm thinking:  "I cannot believe that people have to be in this much pain before coming to the hospital.  I hate this.  I need drugs."

We went through all the motions of getting to the triage room again.  This time I'm pretty sure they knew I was in real labor because I was walking at a turtle's pace.  Once in the room I asked for an epidural.  "We need to check you first," is what they told me.  Annoyed.  They checked me.  I was sure I was a nine.  I was a four.  A four?!  I had progressed half a centimeter since they checked me earlier that day?  Really, really annoyed.  This mostly was taken out on the nurse who started my iv.  She was being snitty with me when I repeatedly asked when I could get an epidural.  (Some Brian may argue that she was not being snitty with me.  Who are you going to believe?)  I may or may not have been a little snitty back.  I was just so frustrated that I had not dialated at all, yet was still in so much pain.  How much worse could it get?  How much longer would it be?

They told me that the CRNA would be paged and I would get the epidural soon.  "Can he just meet me in the room, please?"  No.  "But I think I'm going to die."  He will get there as soon as he has all the paperwork.  "I'm dying."

Thankfully they noticed that I would not be able to walk to the delivery room and they wheeled me on down. I said goodbye to snitty nurse and hello to cute Lisa, who reminded me of cute Jana who was my nurse with my other two.  I somehow managed to make it onto the bed.  I don't know how far apart my contractions were at this point, but I do know that I could not relax one bit between them.  My back was arched the whole time and I couldn't even move to change to adjust myself on the bed, even though I wanted to get in a more comfortable position.  Basically I was writhing around on the bed but doing it without being able to move most of my body.  It probably takes talent to do that.  "Please get me an epidural.  Please?"

With each contraction I couldn't imagine them getting worse.  Then, all of the sudden, my water broke.  Sweet Lisa was out of the room and I looked at Brian with a panic in my eyes like he's never seen before.  You see, I know that when your water breaks it means that contractions become harder and stronger.  I could not take anything worse than what I was already experiencing.  Plus, I was at a four, remember?

Lisa came back into the room.  I told her my water broke.  She calmly walked over to a cupboard and got a new sheet and explained that she would swap out the wet sheet with a clean one.  I wanted to tell her that I didn't care about the stupid sheet and that there was no way on earth that my body could physically move enough to replace it.  (I'm really not this mean, but, well, you understand. Don't you?)

Brian was pretty much mute at this point.  He was holding my hand. . .maybe. . .but I really wasn't even paying attention to him.  He says he became mute because he could tell I was just about at my breaking point and that at any moment he was afraid I would lose it.  Best to be quiet.  Smart man.

Just as Lisa was about to tug the old sheet out from under me and just as I really was about to lose it I felt something.  Someone.  "The baby's coming.  She's right there."  I was beyond panicked.  I was completely terrified.  This was not supposed to happen.  I did not sign up for this pain.  I was first in line on the yes-i-want-an-epidural list.  My husband is training to be an anesthesia provider.  I am a supporter of anesthesia!  I realized it was not to be.  No epidural for me.  This baby was coming out and I was going to feel every little bit of it.

Sweet Lisa was not alarmed at all and calmly said, "Okay, let me just check you." . . ."Okay.  You're a ten." The panic in her voice was hard to hide.

Lisa asked Brian to push the emergency button.  I asked if I could scream.  She said I could do whatever I want.  I asked Brian after if I did scream and he said no.  I guess I just needed to know it was an option.  She started running around the room gathering things.  Putting on one glove. Trying for the other. . .

"I'm so sorry.  But I have to push her out.  I'm pushing her out.  I have to.  I can't help it.  She's coming. . ."  Lisa began yelling for help.  I was beyond panicked.

So here's the thing.  I knew I should have waited until Lisa was ready.  I mean, at least until she had both gloves on and all.  But there was nothing I could do about it.  Nothing.  It was time to push and Lisa couldn't have stopped me if she'd put a gun to my head.  It was just happening.  I felt bad for Lisa.

And then she was out.  Lisa caught her with her gloved hand.  The room soon filled with people answering her call.  It was that fast.  I went from a four to a ten in twenty minutes.  She was born less than thirty minutes after arriving at the hospital.  After my water broke she was born within two contractions.  They immediately placed her on my stomach.

All of the sudden there was this baby.  Wait.  What?  To say I was in shock is putting it mildly.  I kept repeating, "Oh my gosh.  I can't believe that just happened."  over and over again.  All the people in the room were bustling around and I was lying there, relishing in the relief that came immediately after she was out.  Sweet relief.  Brian picked up the camera.

You might be thinking, "Sarah, that is not your best photo."  And you'd be totally right.  But it's my blog and I can put ugly pictures of myself on here if I want to.  And for some reason I just want to.  Mostly because I think you can see exactly what I was feeling by looking at my expression.  That was a smile.  I was smiling there.  There are even worse pictures. . .believe me.  You should see my expression when I wasn't posing for a picture.  Yikes!  

When McKay and Ellery were born the doctor held up the baby and then they were whisked away to be poked, cleaned and weighed.  But there she was.  Placed in my arms just seconds after taking her first breath, where she stayed for over thirty minutes.  Looking back I wish I could have enjoyed those precious first minutes with her a little more.  But I was in shock. . .traumatized, really.  I remember laying there putting my hands on her tiny body but not really even being able to register that she was out.  It was surreal.  I wish I could have experienced that with a clearer mind.

My mom and two of my sisters have each had some of their children naturally.  Krista all four of hers.  I had never planned on it.  Part of me wondered if I could do it and kind of wished I could experience that, but I knew I would never actually do it.  Or choose to do it, rather.  I never once imagined that I wouldn't even have a choice.

One of my biggest regrets about Layla's birth is that I was so preoccupied giving birth and all that I just could not direct Brian in the picture taking department.  He's a wonderful man, but lets be honest- photography is not his biggest strength.  I wish I could go back and give him a pep talk before it all happened about the importance of photographs in a situation like this.  But there wasn't even time for that.  And to be fair, he was pretty involved in the process as well.

But trust me- she was absolutely beautiful.  And quite honestly, she was worth every single horrendous contraction.  No amount of pain could come close to the happiness she brings me.
Isn't birth a beautiful thing?  Even when it's horrible.

Layla Ann Matthews

August 25, 2010

2:20 a.m.

jana came

We have had so many family members visit since we moved here a year ago.  I feel so loved thinking of all the people who have come to see us.  I've blogged about some of those visits, and sadly, others have been forgotten.  It's not that some were more important or memorable, it's just that it's hard to blog about everything all the time and that's really all there is to it.

Jana is totally the winner of the visiting.  She has come three times!  She and Mark were our very first visitors last November.  Then, Jana and Carson showed up on my doorstep one Saturday morning in May.  That was a fun one.  And just last week we said goodbye a third time to Jana and King Baby- they came to meet little Layes.

And guess what?  I have never done a post on one of Jana's visits.  Not one.  Until now. . .

But here's the thing.  I just had a baby.  And my hosting skills were not at their finest.  So we didn't really do a whole lot.  But I love not doing a whole lot with Jana.

After a couple days of just hanging out at home we decided to do something really big.  Huge, in fact.  The excitement was palpable.

We went to Walmart.

I'm not even embarrassed to say that we walked those aisles for over two hours.  Well, part of that was spent feeding Layla at the McDonald's inside, but the rest was spent pursuing the goods that Wally world had to offer.

I don't go to Walmart very often.  Hardly ever, in fact.  It's over thirty minutes away.  I was happy.  Jana was sweet to pretend that she was happy to be there.  Shopping with four kids wasn't as bad as it could have been.  They were pretty good.

And I'm all stocked up on hand sanitizer, tights and leggings for Elle and who knows what else I came home with!

We were tired afterwards.  So tired, in fact, that we had to take another day off and stay home the next day.

But then, we did something else even more exciting than going to Walmart, if you can even imagine.  We first got donuts from Sesame Donuts- and we all decided they are better than Voo Doo, if you can imagine that.  And then we went to Roloff Farm.  I am not a regular watcher of Little People, Big World, but I've seen it enough to be excited about potentially seeing a Roloff or two hanging out at the farm.

And boy, oh boy, we got to see four!

First we saw the one of the twin boys.  I don't know his name, but I know that I loved him!  He was so cute and polite and he touched my shoulder and told Jana that Carson's eyes were amazing and posed in a photo with us.  And we kept seeing him all over the farm and Jana swears he kept looking at her and I was a little jealous but then he waved at me when we were driving away and I felt better.

Then we saw Matt, the dad, talking to some people at a picnic table.  Jana was totally like paparazzi and discreetly followed him around until she could ask for a photo.  She got one right before he climbed into that trailer because his back was hurting.  A little insider information for you there.

Brian says he saw the mom- can't remember her name right now either- is it Amy?  Anyway, Brian says he saw her, but he's the only one who did and of course he didn't ask for a picture.

Then, we saw the cute little brother.  He was adorable and Jana loves him the most.

If that's not exciting enough, their farm is actually pretty fun.  We walked around the pumpkin patch, they had a little petting zoo and some bounce houses, as well as some exotic baby animals. . .which is kind of weird to have at a pumpkin patch, but whatever- my kids loved seeing the baby tiger and lion.  We also made Brian climb up in the big chair with the kids.  Who doesn't love climbing in a big chair?  Brian.

You know after a day like that we totally needed to rest again.  

So we stayed home and watched Robin Hood by Jana's request and played outside at the park.

Then, on her very last day we went to Pittock Mansion.  

 Pittock is a really old mansion that overlooks downtown Portland.

We grabbed some sandwiches on the way there and enjoyed them on a bench on the mansion grounds.  

After lunch we decided to do a photo shoot since we hadn't really taken any pictures of the babies together.  You'd totally think that with all the time we spent at home we would have found time to do this.  Well, we did not.

I think I might know where Carson gets his big head from.  Your welcome, nephew.  You can't see if very well, but behind us is an incredible view of Portland.  One of the best, I'm told.

This is the best we could do of our babies.  They were not happy to be taken out of their carriers and placed on the ground.  I can't believe how tiny Layla looks here.  She's grown so much since then!

Jana and the kids in front of the mansion.  

I love this picture.  I love it so much.  First, it reminds me that we decided to brave the tour and we took our four kids inside an old, restored mansion.  Second, I was happy that my kids didn't destroy the mansion while inside- they were really good.  And third, Ellery is crying because she had gone under the stanchion to try to look out the window, and in a panicked moment, Jana grabbed her by the hair when she wouldn't respond to our calls to come back.  That's why she's crying and I love that I can remember it.  

You see, Ellery is very into saying, "Mom.  Daddy (or whoever) scared me." in the whiniest voice you ever did hear.  If you tell her no, or look at her wrong, you risk "scaring" her.  Well, earlier that day Jana had told Elle that she couldn't get out of her car seat.  And you know that Ellery had been whining at me the whole day that Jana had scared her because of it.  So when Jana actually pulled her hair, the child was inconsolable. . .in a mansion. . .with a bunch of old people. . .actually, all the other tourists were old people.  Anyway, I thought it was really funny and Jana felt so bad and Ellery was a slightly traumatized.  What a good memory!

So we probably did more. . .but several weeks have passed and I can't remember what else.  I remembering when she was here I thought to myself, "I need to write down what we're doing so I can remember."  but I didn't.  And now I can't remember.  

But, I'm so glad that she came to visit again.  I have a good sister.  I love her.  I think about Layla and Ellery being sisters and I'm so glad that I have two girls because I know what a blessing a sister is.  We should all be so lucky.

And goodbye to King Baby.  I sure liked getting to know him.  He is as adorable as he looks.  My kids can't wait to see him again.  They loved having him here.  And now he and I are bonded over big heads forever.