half way

Layla and me ~ six months ago

Last year, when my sister was in the throes of adjusting to motherhood for the first time, I kept giving her the same advice.


"I haven't done anything all day," she'd say.


You just had a baby.


"My house is a mess," she'd lament.


You just had a baby.


"I haven't exercised for a year,"  she'd confess.


You just had a baby, give yourself time.


"But my baby is six months old!" she'd reply.


That's okay.  You STILL just had a baby.  Six months isn't that long.  Don't be so hard on yourself.  You will get back to normal, I promise.  Take this time to adjust and give yourself a break.  You need it.


Now, I'm on the other end of that conversation.  Now, it's my sister telling me that I just had a baby.  It's a lot easier to give that advice, and actually see the truth in it, than to take it and live it myself.

But here's the conversation I've been having with myself lately:

"My house feels cluttered and always needs tidying."

You just had a baby.


"Whose body is this?  I don't even recognize myself."

You just had a baby.


"I don't have the energy that I once had.  I'm just so tired."

You just had a baby.


"My hair has never been uglier than it is right now."

You just had a baby and you don't have a stylist.

I am trying to remember that even though my baby is six months old (what?!) I have the whole first year to claim, "but I just had a baby."  It really is a year long process to adjust to a new little one.  I have these personal expectations, which I think a lot of us have, that I can take a few months after a baby, but way sooner than later I need to be on track again.  I just don't think I can live up to those expectations though.  And I'm letting that be okay.  Infants grow and change so rapidly.  The first year is a constant period of readjusting.  There really is not much you can count on with a baby in your life because in a few months, things will be different again.

And do I want a perfect house and beautiful hair and a flat stomach?  Um, yes!. . .of course I do.  But I want to cherish this year with my baby girl even more.  I'm working on enjoying her more, and spending less time and energy worrying about all that other stuff.  It will get done.  It will all change.  Life will be normal again.  But my little Layes will only be six moths old one time. . .and for one month.  I kind of want to be there for it.


Happy six months to my girl today.

thoughts on a sunday

No great pictures this week.  This is Ellery's silly-picture-face lately.  

• Brian is back.  We survived the first month of him being gone.  The last week was actually not too bad.  When you're the only one around to do everything, you just. . .do everything.  Kinda funny how that works.  

• I like to compare what Brian and I were each doing on Tuesday night.  Me in Beaverton:  Cleaning up all the toys, throwing together hot dogs for dinner, carting everyone to scouts with me to help the cubs make centerpieces for the blue and gold, Ellery pees in the middle of it all, bare legs and pee in her boots, clean it up, carry Layla, Ellery (no shoes), my huge bag and two centerpieces out to my car, then a quick/crazy bedtime.  Brian in Newport:  learning how to play the banjo, um, that's pretty much it.

• Three things about all that.  One, Ellery never has accidents anymore so what was that?  Two, I hate taking all three of my kids to cub scouts.  Three, Brian really did get private banjo lessons from the guy he's staying with.  Guess what Brian wants to buy?

• My parents and Nonnie each sent the kids Valentine cards with five dollars inside for each of the kids.  Since the only place we went that week was to preschool and the library I decided it might be fun to let them spend their money at the store.  We went to Fred Meyer to peruse the toy aisle.  I showed Ellery a few items- some Barbies, Zhu Zhu pet stuff, and then we got to the princess aisle.  She wanted all of it, but I showed her three things that I knew she'd want and had enough money for.  In seconds she knew which to buy.  Ariel and her two mermaid sisters have a new home.  Then it was McKay's turn.  We walked down every aisle about four times.  Really, we did.  He was as indecisive as I've ever seen and it took literally an hour for him to pick something out.  I was trying to be patient.  This was all about the experience, and we didn't need to rush.  But after an hour Layla started to need a nap and we still hadn't eaten lunch so I had to put on the pressure.  Even still we were there for probably fifteen more minutes as he tried to decide between those ridiculously expensive Schleich animals or a toy airplane.  It was torture for him.  I don't even know if he enjoyed it in the end.  I mean, he did, but it was pretty intense and I sure didn't enjoy it by the end.  He went with the airplane and then a little, tiny fox. 

• McKay was a stinker on the way home from school and said some mean things to his friends.  I guess I might as well say the mean things.  He said, "I don't want to be your friend anymore, I want new friends.  I'm sick you guys following me around."  Yikes.  The mom who was driving told me all about it.  I didn't quite know what to do.  I didn't really know if I would have told her if it would have happened with me, but that's not the point.  This kind of behavior is really unlike McKay and when I asked him about it he said, "I'm just going to work it out by myself mom.  I'm working it out!"  He clearly did not want me involved.  We had a long conversation about it, and instead of listening and understanding and being sensitive like he usually is, he got more angry.  Then finally he said, "Mom, the goodest thing about kids is that they forget.  They get in a fight and the next time they see each other they're friends again."  I still was not happy with what he said, but the boy does have a good point.  Kids do do that.  That was a big, long story, but I just thought it was cute that he was working it out by himself.  And in primary today he apologized, so I guess it is all worked out.

• I curled Ellery's hair for church.  It turned out really cute- beautiful, really-  and as I was sitting there next to her I marveled at how her hair looked better than mine and she's three years old.  Her hair has an adult quality to it.  It's thick and long and smooth and soft.  I still don't really know what to do with it.  She likes it down.  Always.  It's hard to talk her into anything besides that or a pony tail, and even then she will take it out after a couple hours.  

• I forgot to unpack the fingernail clippers and Brian took them back to Newport with him.  We didn't have any in the house and Layla's nails were SO long and needed to be cut badly.  All week I would cringe every time I fed her because she likes to kind of grab at my arms when she eats.  It was killing me.  By Friday she was almost drawing blood.  

• When Brian came home on Friday he picked Layla up and sat her on his lap.  She was frozen and just stared at him with these wide, worried eyes.  Then the screaming came.  So many tears.  I am shocked  by this because they were friends before he left and it had only been five days.  And also, she's never been scared of anything.  She doesn't react like that to things quite yet.  Except her daddy.  It took her a little bit to warm up to him again, but they're good now.  

• Brian thinks that I love her more than I loved our other babies.  I think that's ridiculous, but I do feel a pretty significant bond with her that I can't quite explain.  I really do feel like she is a bright spot in my life and I'm so glad I get to have her with me during this hard year.  She has made it harder, but she's made it so much better.  We need each other.  It works.

• I am completely addicted to the dark chocolate covered pomegranates from Costco.  So. Good.  My second bag is almost out and I've promised myself I'm not going to buy more. . .for awhile.  But it's going to be hard to resist.

• I have a hair appointment tomorrow.  Like a real one with a cute stylist and I'm really excited.  

• We continue to get lucky with the weather here.  We've had some cloudy, rainy days, but several days of sunshine and most of those warm enough to go outside for a bit.  On Saturday we went on a walk to the park and the kids played and ran around.  It felt so good.  And after that Brian played baseball outside with them for a long time.  They were good and tired by the time bedtime came.  

• Speaking of the weather, I've learned this week that I am very much affected by it right now.  I have SAD.  I don't know, really.  But there was a day that started off cloudy and gloomy, and that's exactly how I felt.  But in the middle of the day the sun came out and wouldn't you know it my mood took a drastic turn.  It was weird how instant it happened.  

• Today for family movie McKay chose The Sandlot.  He has watched this movie several times but this is the first time I've sad down and watched it with him.  Holy cow!  I've seen it before, but before I was not hearing all the bad words and inappropriate humor.  Pretty sure that one's going away for awhile.  I guess I need to remember to screen their movies if they are PG.  I actually should have learned that when we rented the most horrible Barbie mermaid movie last year.  It was just wrong.  Not bad, but just ridiculous and I don't want my daughters to see that kind of junk.  Yep, I'm saying that Barbie movies are junk.  I just really don't like their tones and the  messages and ideas they give off are not what I want my daughters to learn.  After that, and a few similar books from the library, I banned all Barbie material, aside from the dolls themselves, from our home.  

• On a related note, McKay already has a list of PG13 movies that he wants to see which include Pirates of the Caribean, Iron Man, Spiderman, pretty much all the superhero movies, and Rocky. It's going to be a long eight years.    

• McKay is excited for presidents day because that means a day off from school, and according to him they work really hard at school and they need that day off.

it's my new philosophy

I have a friend who's been inspiring me.  Her kids whip out the most creative art projects.  All on. their. own.  I am constantly impressed with the things that they make just using scrap paper, tape, cardboard and staples.  And one thing I've noticed is that my friend has these supplies out almost all the time for them to just use.  Like, whenever they want.

This got me thinking.  Maybe my kids would do more art/creative projects if it was more accessible to them.  You see, I like to have everything put away.  We have plenty of art supplies, but they are so "put away" that no one ever remembers they are there, including me.

The paper is buried in one cupboard, the makers kept in another drawer, the scissors and tape in my completely chaotic junk drawer in the kitchen, and then all the other stuff is stuffed in a box that is so full it's hard to know what all is in there.

So, I had an idea.  What if their art supplies were all in one location?  And what if *gasp* it wasn't put away, but out where they could access it any time, all the time?  Would they play with it more?  Would they do self-started projects?  Would they be creative and proud of the things that they made?

The answer:  yes.  Yes, yes, yes, yes!

Who cares if there is an ugly, plastic set of drawers in my dining room?  I did, but not anymore.  I realize that my kids creativity is more important than a house that's "just so".  Besides, don't they grow up anyway?  I'm sure before I know it I'll be wishing I had a need for an ugly plastic set of drawers instead of a perfectly neat house.  This is okay for right now.  No.  This is just right for right now.

I also reorganized the toys in their bedroom.  I figured the same principle applies.  If it's out or easy to access, it will be used.  More playing, more pretending and actually using their toys instead of having them neatly tucked away in the closet.  I'm happy to report I was right.  Even though we have to clean up the toys more often, I have to smile at the mess because they made it.  And that makes me happy.

*I'll have to add a picture of the shelf in their room later- I really love it.  But right now all the toys are in a big heap on the floor.  :)

a bit of thunder

And some cheese to go with it.  

I just love this little chunk so much.

i only want the pictures

We had a fabulous visit with Brian's parents and Marilyn a couple weeks ago.  I asked McKay what to say about their trip and he said, "I only care about the pictures".  So I'm taking a cue from my boy, and just focusing on the pictures, with just a few words.

I first must acknowledge that true to Ellery form, she threw up the morning they were to arrive.  I am beginning to just not get surprised anymore.  This child was sent to me to break me of my vomiting phobias.  She didn't eat much the first half of the day, but otherwise completely normal.  We are starting to wonder if her gaging reflex is related to nerves, excitement or nervous excitement.

Okay, now that that's out of the way, I give you the top ten from the trip:



{Ten}:  OMSI (Oregon Museum of Science & Industry, if you want to know :)

laser show ~ egypt exhibit ~ play, play, play! ~ a

fter, dinner at the original Old Spaghetti Factory on the waterfront

{Nine}:  Grandma brought the Wii

a really happy five year old ~ mario kart races ~ dancing the night away ~ ra-ra-rasputin!

{Eight}:  Stroll on a Sunday

beautiful scenery ~ squishy trees ~ benches dedicated to dead dogs 
also, s'mores brownies for dessert!

{Seven}:  Tillamook

no grilled cheese due to a cafe fire ~ ice cream for lunch! ~ fancy cheese for a delicious souvenir 

{Six}:  To the Coast

fog ~ tag on the beach ~ saw a chilly bride ~ grandma freezing ~ beautiful drive along the coast

{Five}:  Eagle Eye

we saw this eagle ~ it was cool ~ even though it was kinda far away

{Four}:  Quality Time

snuggles ~ books ~ games ~ playing ~ loving 

(really wish elle wasn't holding a big hot dog bun in this picture)

{Three}:  Some Sports

soccer ~ swinging ~ flag football ~ coach grandad ~ a happy boy ~ and my girly girl keeping up

{Two}:  Chuck E. Cheese

lucky kids ~ pizza ~ tokens ~ tickets ~ prizes ~ just fun

{One}:  Time to Talk

 this is marilyn ~ she's a good aunt ~ she is cute ~ we like her ~ she was brave at church

 I wish I had a picture that captured just hanging out and talking.  That's one thing I miss the most about living by our family.  Just spending time together doing nothing, really.  That was our favorite part.  We talked about how video chatting is great, but nothing compares to being together in real life.  So true.  We all really liked being together in real life for a few days.  It really was a great few days.  

It's always hard when family leaves and after this visit we all felt it.  It took us a few days to feel better.  

We sure loved having them. 

ellery

this girl...

doesn't like noodles but can eat her weight in bread and fruit

eats "daddy's bread with butter on it" nearly every morning

would rather have water than any other drink,

including soda and fruit punch

* * * * *

loves her baby sister

will do almost anything if i phrase it with "big sister"

has a  mean little scowl and hates time outs

can't wait to be a little momma

but still aspires to be "taylor swifts and sleeping beauty in a pink dress"

when she grows up

* * * * *

still wears a skirt pretty much everyday

can't live without her nightgowns

refuses to wear her clothes under any dress up costumes

is happiest when her hair is long and wild,

preferably naked so she can feel it whipping across her back

* * * * *

is into telling stories

that usually start like this

"one day , there was a little girl wearing a pink dress".

loves playing with barbies, ponies and anything  girly

but can't live without her  pocket-sized princesses.

comes up with the most wonderful names for her toys

* * * * *

loves to dance 

prefers to watch caillou over everything
loves singing princess songs
or really doing anything involving girls in beautiful dresses.
wants to be sleeping beauty when she grows up.
is  just such a bright spot in our family.

v-day

Just want to remember that our Valentine's day looked like this:

~Treats on the table in the morning- balloons, chocolate, books.

~Picking out red and pink clothes- Elle, pink from head to toe.  Mack, luckily found an old, red  jammie shirt         which I convinced him used to be a real, legitimate shirt.  Both were happy.  

~Finding little love notes around the house from a certain someone that made me smile all day long, especially the one complementing my ombre hair (which by the way is inadvertent).  

~Trip to McKay's preschool to go through his Valentine bag.

~Snow White, then making a huge mess in their room- which was fine because it meant they were playing.

~Pasta and chocolate fondue for dinner.

~FHE about love at home.  Wild children.

~Then Don't Eat Cupid followed by some awesome interpretive dance which I was instructed to film.  

~Missed dad who was getting blown around in the wind and rain in Newport, then spending some quality time with his second family. ;)

I was inspired today and was really able to enjoy my three little valentines.  Feeling an extra measure of patience that I've been praying for.  It was a good day.

sweet valentine

I thought about stashing the cutest Valentine I could think of in Brian's suitcase last night. . .

But I then I realized that if I couldn't have my real Valentine with me today,

this little babe is the next best thing.  

Happy Valentine's Day!

{especially to you sweetie}

thoughts on a sunday

making cookies w/ my sidekick ~ sweet sugar ~ working hard addressing superhero valentines 

• We got to join Brian in Newport this week.  A very sweet couple, who Brian had met only twice, offered to let us use their house in Newport while they were on vacation.  So nice.  So, so, so nice.  

• It's hard to stay in someone else's house with children.  They wanted to get into everything and it was hard for them to understand why they couldn't touch everything they saw.  We had to have a serious discussion on not putting real dog toys in their mouths while they were pretending to be my dogs.  

• I am already longing for summer- or even spring- where I can wear flowy skirts instead of stiff jeans.  Really sick of jeans right now.

• Yesterday I was playing on the floor with the kids when all the sudden I sat up and told Brian that if I didn't get a new office chair I just might die.  It really was that sudden.  It just hit me.  So he hopped on craigslist and within a couple hours I was driving home with a new little chair, which I am sitting on right now.  Our old one was wooden, and broken, and severely uncomfortable (although it's much cuter than this new one).  But I don't even care that there's now a big black office chair in my bedroom because I'm so very comfortable in it.

• Today was Stake Conference.  Why did we even go?  I heard nothing.  Well, I guess I heard a few things, but really it was mostly nothing.  Our kids were totally confused- going to a different building, with no primary.  And keeping them busy for two full hours takes just enough attention away from what's going on up front that we hear mostly nothing.

• We made sugar cookies today.  I had planned on making them for Halloween.  And then when that didn't happen, I thought Chrsitmas!  Turns out Valentine's Day is the magic holiday for sugar cookies. I don't make them too often, even when I plan to, and today I remembered how much work they are.  It was a long process, and of course the kids lose interest pretty fast.  We delivered five plates to friends and neighbors and still have about three leftover.  I'm in trouble.

• Layla is teething.  It seems like she's been teething for a month now.  Drool.  So much drool.  And she bites onto anything that gets near her mouth- especially fingers.

• While in Newport, Layla went to sleep SO great.  I'd lie her down and she'd just snuggle up to her blanket and close her eyes.  I thought she was such a good little baby.  And that's why when we came home and she cried when I put her in her in her bed I was surprised.  She had been so perfect!  I then noticed her little eyes buggin' out as she looked at her mobile hanging above her head.  Didn't have that in Newport.  Poor little thing didn't know if she was supposed to be playing or sleeping.  We took it out and there hasn't been any crying since. . .

• Unless. . .unless you count the crying she does at night.  I am so bipolar with my feelings with this little baby of mine.  Sometimes I think she is the most perfect, adorable thing that can do no wrong, and then night time comes.  And that's when I tell her that she's a naughty little baby for wanting to eat every two hours during the night.  She doesn't even eat every two hours during the day!  I would try to let her cry it out, and I am planning on it, one day, but when she cries she wakes everyone up and I just can't have that.  I'm hoping that in a couple weeks when she starts eating some solids it might magically change her nighttime habits.  I so hope it's that easy.  My perfect, little, naughty baby.

• When I was little my mom would always have a fun little something for us to wake up to on Valentine's day.  I loved it so much when I was little that I've continued it on with my kids.  This year, I wasn't a very sneaky Valentine.  Basically, everyone's already seen everything I have for them.  I'm still excited for them to wake up and see the table decorated with their little treats all set up.  

Happy Sunday!

thoughts on a monday

Guess who came to visit?  We had a really wonderful weekend with Grandma, Granddad, and Aunt Marilyn.  More on that to come. . .I swear on my life!

• We survived another week without Brian.  It was much harder this time.  I didn't have a good week.  By the time Thursday rolled around I was so tense and wound so tight that I was still in a bad move even when Brian came home a day early and with a fun weekend coming up.  It was pretty rough.  We get to go with him this week so that means only one more week alone for this round!  

• Even though having Brian gone is hard, we both agree that out of the twelve potential schedules he could have been assigned to this year, we are pretty happy with his.  He's at good, enjoyable hospitals and the traveling rotations could be a lot worse.

• Brian's family came on Friday and left this afternoon.  We had so much fun with them and I'm so glad we have a lot going on this week to distract us from feeling sad that they're gone.  

• Sometimes when I open the Ensign and start to read I feel like several articles were written and published just for me.  I love it when that happens.  This month I was lucky.

• Layla is getting quite hefty.  Perhaps it's because for a couple weeks now I've just been continually feeding her during the hours of three and six a.m.  That might  have something to do with it.  I sure know how to fatten up an infant.  

• Listen, I'm not one to talk about baby poop on my blog.  Except I'm totally going to today. . .and I think I did a little bit last week.  Okay, so maybe I am one to talk about it.  But baby poop is part of my life, what can I say.  I promise never to show pictures.  PROMISE.  Anyway, a couple weeks ago I bought a huge box of diapers from Costco.  I thought my little not even four month old baby would surely fit in size two's for the duration of the giant box.  Not so!  For the last three weeks she's been having blow-outs almost every time she goes.  And I know that when a baby starts to have too many of those that it only means one thing: time for the next size up!  Brian, who has been relaxing on the beach as I'm up to my elbows in, well, you know, thought it would be smart to just deal with it and use up the box.  I tried.  I tried for three weeks.  And now I'm done.  I bought a box of 3's today.  My life is about to change.

• And if I already talked about poop once, I can surely just add really quick that she's started a regular morning routine that starts with a big grunt at six a.m.  Every morning.  We're both still sleeping.  This is more annoying than I can even express.

• McKay discovered that he has one little tooth that is a teensy bit loose.  Stop what you're doing because this is huge news.  That boy has been waiting/hoping/praying for a loose tooth for a year now. 

• Another thing that boy is doing lately is saying some lengthy prayers.  I mostly love this.  He has really started to think about what he's saying instead of just repeating the same things every time.  He's also praying for others, which is great.  He's not rushing through them and they last more than five seconds now. . .sometimes a lot more.  Brian and I have to keep this in mind when we're choosing someone to pray if we're in a hurry.  But how can I even complain about that?  He's so sweet.  I honestly got so blessed to have that boy in my life.  He really is amazing and a good example to me.  

• Guess what?  I think that's all I've got.  I know, shocking.  

Happy Monday.

he

bites his fingernails down to nubs

loves listening to stories

makes a bed for his stuffed animals every night with his blankets

talks to them too, when he thinks no one is listening

is such a great older brother to his two sisters- they adore him

is  as sweet and innocent as can be.

venting

I know I really don't have a lot to complain about- I am so blessed- but guess what?  I might need to complain just a little bit.  I'm having a hard time.  This is hard.  Right now.  It's just hard.  This is not fun.  Sometimes, because I'm living it everyday, I don't realize how difficult it is.  But then I find myself thinking that I just can't wait for this year to be over.  Hurry, hurry, hurry.  Just be over.

I want my husband back.  I want him around more, of course, but I want him back.  What he's doing is extremely intense and taxing.  Taxing on his personality, on his body, on his mind.  It's huge.  Do you know how huge it is?  People's lives are in his hands every day- like really, their lives.  I can't even imagine, and yet he's just doing this everyday.  It will be nice when this is just a job for him and not everything, like it is right now.  It will be nice to have him back.

I want money.  I don't like saying that, but it's true.  It's not like a want a lot of money- just a little.  I want to be able to buy an article of clothing because I think it's cute, not because it's on clearance- and yes, I said on clearance, not on sale.  Sadly, there's a difference.  I am grateful for the things I've learned/am learning from this experience- things like what I can live without (which is a lot, actually) and what really matters and how to be thrifty, and how you can have a beautiful life without buying things all the time, but I would just like to buy a bottle of nail polish and not feel like I shouldn't have, you know?  Just guilt-free nail polish.  

Sometimes I think I shy away from complaining about what a hard time I'm having because it makes me feel weak.  When I complain or admit that this is really hard for me I feel like that means that I'm not strong.  I want to be a strong woman.  I want to be able to handle this and I wish that it just wasn't a big deal.  But it is a big deal.  I can try and act like it's no big thing for me, but that's acting.  I've decided that it's okay if I admit it.  I can still be strong even if I say "This sucks.  This just sucks."  And maybe saying that makes me feel a little stronger because I hardly ever use the word sucks- it's just not one of my words.  But it just feels right for this moment.

I guess this is kind of a "downer" post, but it's important for me to get it out.  I haven't actually written about any of my feelings on this subject because it almost seems too big, yet too distant to put into words.  Hard to explain.  But this blog is a record of my family.  And this is happening.  And this is honest.

I think it's important to be honest.  January has been a really hard month for me.  I don't always feel this way, but right now is just a low point, I guess.

I'm grateful for the good things in my life.  There are many.  I find myself at two polar ends of a lot of emotions lately.  Extremely grateful, yet feeling sorry for myself.  Happy, yet kind of down.  Anticipating this year being over with, yet cherishing every moment that my baby is still a baby.  Up and down, at the same time.